“Sorry about the mess in here guys. I kinda live out of my dirigible.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Planet Outlaws (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
Author: Rifftrax
“Mary Appleseth wanted top billing but got crushed by the powerful Derna Wylde publicly machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Planet of Dinosaurs.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
“Wait! Don’t re-toast the toast, you idiots!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Perc! Pop! Sprinkle!
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage
Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.
“Sounds like ‘Tom’s Diner’ as performed by John Cage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: People Soup.
“‘Pearl of the Orient’ is the name of my drag cabaret character.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Pearl of the Orient.
“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch
Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.
“Look at that, poor kid’s addicted to sandwich fumes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Paper and I.
“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.
“The Count from Sesame Street has finally gone folk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey.
“Monkeys—always secreting hydrochloric acid.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Got Fat.
“Ophelia Dinsmore? That’s a flat out Monty Python name.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: On Guard – Bunco!
“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.
Riff & React: Mary Jo & Oh, Boy! Babies!
Movie: Okay everybody, let’s get them diapered.
“The good, the bad, and the straight to video.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion 2: Backlash.
“One request, have townsfolk throw mud instead of tomatoes at me. I have a lycopene allergy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion.
“For instance, my hair says that I’m a pedantic douche.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nutrition: The All-American Meal.
“He’s the John Cage’s 4’33” of taking a dump.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Krasner.
“Well, anyway, here’s my speech entitled ‘Things I Shouldn’t Have Licked.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Gives a Speech.
“Want to lick my squirrel?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Checks In.
“Yah, we need the reggae music now, Mary Jo. We make everybody feel high.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Nobody Tells Me What to Do!
“Enjoy the Dragon Sound concert tonight, kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: No Retreat, No Surrender.
“Make them suffer. Only let them have access to those weird video games you can play on hotel room TVs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts: SF Sketchfest 2016.
“This looks like something that would appear in Homer Simpson’s head when he was supposed to be reading a safety manual.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Cracker.
“Kindergarten: over ninety-percent ‘storage problem solving!'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts – SF Sketchfest 2015.
“Why not? You’re five. It’s time to know your flour sifters!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts – SF Sketchfest 2013.
“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).
“Rabbits look like they’re posing for their album cover. Lead singer in the middle. Guitarist on the right. Idiot replacement drummer on the top.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Lepus.
Riff & React: Kevin & Neutron The Atomic Superman vs. The Death Robots
Movie: This is Professor Mensies.
“Hi. Bob Fungus. Which way is molding?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Father Frost.
“Eat my sleigh-wash you sawed-off, little freaks. I’m going to Ibiza!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.
“No men were emasculated in the making of this film.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Naturally a Girl.
“I have some very exciting news about decimal points.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: My Mother Was Never a Kid.
“You say: ‘Calm down, it’s impossible to contract freckles.’
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: My Brother is Afraid of Just About Everything.
“I’m Wings Hauser. Red Bull gives you meeeee!!!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mutant.
“Whose natural poured concrete habitat had been meticulously recreated.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mr. Moto Takes a Walk.
“That and to issue confusing boners.”
Stiff Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mr. B Natural.
“Well, calm down. This is no Wiggles concert. This is daycare. This is ‘The Show.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Mother of the Bride.
“Best anal glands in the business, kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mother Goose’s Birthday Party with Ronald McDonald.
“Steam valves are for losers. Pans of gasoline, baby.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: More Dangerous Than Dynamite.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Doing Words” Sketch
Mike: Doing words? Oh, let’s see. Well, roast comes to mind. Also, parboil, saute, baste, marinate, and dice.
“If we don’t hurry, all the good husbands will be taken.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Molly Grows Up.
“Because I need to catch up on my friend’s web series first. It’s about dating in L.A.—very fresh.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident.
“This here narrative has entered a Möbius strip of repeatin’ violence.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Atomic Garden.
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon (Mike Nelson and Fred Willard edition).
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gritty Reboot” Sketch
Kevin: It’s the gritty reboot of ‘Setting Up A Room.’
“The history of cinema has a lot of mail checking scenes, but this one is definitely the best. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say ‘the best?’ I meant the ‘longest.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Miami Connection.
“And if you’ve never seen this guy back down a ladder, you are in for a treat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mesa of Lost Women.
“Okay, this sword fight is reaching ‘Hey Jude’ levels of over-staying its welcome.”
Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin: The Return.
“If only movies featured ironic comeuppances. I’d be worried for him.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders.
Riff & React: Bridget & Meet Mrs. Swenson
Movie: Alright, the Packers will be here in a few minutes!
“Are you my new dad this week?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measuring Man!
“Eat pigeon crap, heckler scum.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measure Metric.
“Here’s a great educational program about digesting your food which is preventing you from digesting your food.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mealtime Manners & Health.
“Spanish guys with guns swarming over a wall—it’s a Lou Dobbs fever dream.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: McBain.
“Why did they make this prison so hard to get out of?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Maximum Revenge.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”
Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—
“The sound of something circling a drain. I can’t imagine a better way to end an ACI short.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Masks of Grass.
Riff & React: Kevin & Martial Law 2
Movie: So, who’s the new girl?
PixTrax: “Classic. They’re playing good cop, Kenny Loggins-resembling cop.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Martial Law.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Married Too Young.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Marriage is a Partnership
“You’re less popular than the kid who called teacher ‘mommy.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Manners in School.
“Sun visor gun’s got nothing on ass-knife.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dangerous Men.*
“‘A Touch of Pacino’ is my new line of poultry seasoning.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Powers of Darkness” Sketch
Mike: I summoned all the powers of darkness to bring my plush toy collection to life.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Giant X” Sketch
Bill: Oh god, a giant ‘X’ from nowhere!
“Made that rice disappear quicker than Jonah Hill at a Chinese buffet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Magical Disappearing Money.
“Victims like the neighbor’s pet chicken, Richard M. Chickson.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Lycan Colony.
“That’s Dr. Gym Teacher to you. Now, drop and give me twenty.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Lunchroom Manners.
“We need to protect people from reactions we can’t predict.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Lucky Day.
PixTrax: “He should be at the skinny Adam West convention.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Lovely But Deadly.
“Don’t let Keith Moon drive.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Love That Car!
Riff & React: Mike and Live and Learn
Movie: A campfire can be a lot fun, but it can also be very dangerous.
“Pipe down the Jewish a little, Mushnick. You make Maimonides seem like Tab Hunter.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Little Shop of Horrors.
“Yeah, grandma loves wheat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Little Red Riding Hood.
“I can has battle to death with skunk baby?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Little Lost Scent.
“My father said I’d never be able to extort city governments with a light blaster. How do you like me now, dad!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Light Blast.
“My god! They’re killing non-consumers!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Life in the Suburbs.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Seventies Hipster” Sketch
Bill: God, a seventies hipster!
“Some women don’t match their outfits to the counter. Can you imagine, Bridget?
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Talk Turkey.
“We now return to ‘Acid Trip Babies’ already in progress.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Pretend: Magic Sneakers.
“Left a little ‘jellicle’ in your slippers, pal.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Give Kitty a Bath.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Last Woman on Earth.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Ladybug, Ladybug, Winter is Coming.
Sketches and Speeches: The “Lady Mobster” Sketch
Mary Jo: Whoa, was this what it was like for you Bridget when you became a lady mobster?
“Tony, I’m afraid your son is Danish. There’s nothing we can do.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Know For Sure.
“Mommy’s lip sync is always off before her morning coffee.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Kitty Cleans Up.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Bailey Films” Sketch
Bill: Bailey Films, a division of the Bailey Building and Loan.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech
“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,
Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders
Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.
“They all come running for the great taste of Bert.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: King of Kong Island.
“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Ruined Heling” Sketch
Kevin: You know, it’s almost like Nazis have ruined heiling things for the rest of us.
“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.
Keep Rolling! 
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