Sketches & Speeches: The “Seventies Hipster” Sketch
Bill: God, a seventies hipster!
Author: Rifftrax
“Some women don’t match their outfits to the counter. Can you imagine, Bridget?
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Talk Turkey.
“We now return to ‘Acid Trip Babies’ already in progress.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Pretend: Magic Sneakers.
“Left a little ‘jellicle’ in your slippers, pal.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Give Kitty a Bath.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Last Woman on Earth.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Ladybug, Ladybug, Winter is Coming.
Sketches and Speeches: The “Lady Mobster” Sketch
Mary Jo: Whoa, was this what it was like for you Bridget when you became a lady mobster?
“Tony, I’m afraid your son is Danish. There’s nothing we can do.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Know For Sure.
“Mommy’s lip sync is always off before her morning coffee.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Kitty Cleans Up.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Bailey Films” Sketch
Bill: Bailey Films, a division of the Bailey Building and Loan.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech
“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,
Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders
Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.
“They all come running for the great taste of Bert.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: King of Kong Island.
“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Ruined Heling” Sketch
Kevin: You know, it’s almost like Nazis have ruined heiling things for the rest of us.
“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.
“The ‘Keep Off The Grass’ cinematic universe is expanding very quickly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Keep Off The Grass.
“Kids love embroidery.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Katy.
“He gets so snippy when he’s sleeveless.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Karate Cop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Kangaroo Can’t Play Basketball” Sketch
Kevin: Wait a second. Is there a rule that says a kangaroo can’t play basketball?
Sketches and Speeches: The “Long Walk” Speech
“It was a long walk from his death row cell to what laid waiting for him.
“You know, you have to encourage kids like him or they turn to drugs and improv.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Junior Prom.
“She walks like Rod from Birdemic.”
Birdemic Callback Riff pulled from RiffTrack: Julie and Jack.
“Ah great, a joy ride. These usually end well in educational films.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Joy Ride.
“How do these shorts manage to make the concept of children seem creepy?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Join Hands, Let Go!
“Post-op Orville Redenbacher was an excellent cosmetology educator.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jobs in Cosmetology.
“Wearing his contempt like a badge; referring to his classmates as sheeple.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jimmy of the Safety Patrol.
“Well, “cool” in the sense orthopedic headgear and Ziggy comics are cool.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack-O.
“When you first open it, the hamster urine can be pretty powerful.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack The Giant Killer.
“Oh relax, it’s not poison. It’s elephant semen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
“You’re dead kid. I’m this land’s Usain Bolt.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jack and the Beanstalk.
“Pa, I want to be an influencer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: It’s A Wonderful Life.
“It seems like things are getting better but as soon as someone drops a candy wrapper it will be The Monsters Are Due In Maple Street all over again.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: It Must Be The Neighbors.
“I just want to hold a file today that isn’t damp from sheriff sweat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Invasion of the Bee Girls (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Laplanders can’t estimate size, that’s my favorite racists stereotype.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Invasion of the Animal People.
“Junior high health class was especially tough on William Cameron Menzies.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Invaders from Mars.
“His debut gets a Jar Jar Binks like reception.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Individual Differences.
“I miss the thrill of mom’s melancholy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: In Between.
“Game. Set. Blanford.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Improve Your Pronunciation.
“Remember, blind obedience is the only cure for clown induced depression.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: If Mirrors Could Speak.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Learning People’s Name” Sketch
Bill: Icebreaker. Get ready for ninety minutes of a corporate retreat where everyone sits in a circle learning people’s name through a fun game.
Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man
Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.
“There’s a Kringle on the wing of the plane.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus.
“Bob regrets not eating his twin in the womb.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How To Keep A Job.
Sketches & Speeches: The “That’s Classifieds” Sketch
Bridget: What ads are you putting in the paper?
“Yes, always capitalize ‘fart.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: How to be a Friend.
“The sadly, ironic juxtaposition you just saw in the cutaways was a lie, digitally manipulated by longtime enemies of Fred.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How Much Affection?
PixTrax: “Bentals Unlimited. I wonder if they bent roats. I’d love to take my fids kishing.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Honor and Glory.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch
Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?
“You got Venmo or are you one of those Zelle weirdos?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Hijacked: Flight 285.
“Traffic Education Unit: teaching about, and advocating for, a Steve Winwood based progressive rock group since 1945.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Highway Mania.
“Which one of you jerk wads got my essay on Hume’s Dialogues Concerning Natural Religions?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: High School U.S.A.
“Are you ready for some Hinkelfinking?
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: High School Hero.
Riff & React: Mike & Health: Your Posture
Movie: You’re neat and clean and healthy looking.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch
Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.
“But don’t post anything on Facebook. King Herod is always online.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Have A Mary Jo Christmas and A Bridget New Year!
“I’m a cowboy, but I just love teaching dressage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts.
“Boats. Photography. Caffeinated beverages. This movie has everything.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Before I Say Goodbye*
“We can’t spare seven seconds to draw a face on the bag!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Halloween Party.
PixTrax: “It stinks.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Gumby: The Movie
Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly
Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.
“God damn, you old-school sapping weeds!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goodbye, Weeds.
“This boy in his underpants, dragging a log, illustrates it well.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Health Practices.
“Chew deep into the afternoon.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Eating Habits.
“Actual bears cooking porridge. Even ACI tipped their hat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
“‘Judson T’—a decent Landis, sure, but no ‘Kenesaw Mountain.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Going Steady?
“Ugh. Every search party has to have a dreamer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“Okay, give me the full Clockwork Orange, doc. I can take it.”
RIff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Glasses for Susan.
“So, all fungi please report to the cafeteria.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Girls Are Better Than Ever.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gifts From The Air Cast List” Speech
“Yes, it’s Gifts from The Air with all your favorite characters:
“Okay look, not to Giant-splain you here or anything, but that’s gonna be your relay or your starter.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Giant From The Unknown.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Chew Bubble Gum” Sketch
Movie: I think if you just chew that bubble gum maybe a little bit less.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Ghosthouse Drinking Song”
The “Ghosthouse Drinking Song” pulled from RiffTrax: Ghosthouse.
“When you get to hell, tell Hitler he’s a dick.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Ghost Rider.
“Willie is only vaguely familiar with the construction of his most prized possession.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Getting Angry.
“I filled a tire with pudding and set it on fire.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Get That Job.
“The smell of manure is traded for the stench of human depravity.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Geography of Your Community.
“We should all start judging time in terms of when scientists arrive at airports.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Gammera The Invincible.
“Good, our new copy of ‘Hideous 80s Couples in Wretched Ugly Kitchens Monthly’ is here.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Zone.
“Give me a good beer-belly beer. I gotta maintain.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Force.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Fungicide” Sketch
Bill: Fungicide: Life on the Streets.
“Ah yes, Moon Land. Great country before it got bombed back into the stone age in the third Balloon Land War.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fun In Balloon Land.
“Man, public education in the forties was surprisingly train-based.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Frustrating Fours and Fascinating Fives.
“I wonder what kind of jobs you can get with a degree in mystical camping?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Frozen Scream.
“Reminds me of my youth. Sitting on the playground, divining I Ching hexagrams.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Friends.
“My heart. The doctor said I should avoid too much pizzazz.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Freddie Steps Out.
“Once you see me eat 25 White Castle hamburgers, you’ll never want another woman.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Frankenstein’s Daughter.
“‘Beneath the grotto’ is also where I’m gonna need you to focus my sponge bath.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Frankenstein Island.
Sketches & Speeches: The “It’s A Thing With Stuff” Sketch
Kevin: It’s a thing with stuff.
“Hey, Mac. Hi, pal. How ya doing, lady? Hey, there he is.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Flying Stewardess.
“Yeah, okay, but let’s go back to the guy flying on a giant metal wang.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Flying Saucer Mystery.
“Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend break dancing for their patients who chew gum.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Flash That Smile.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Tiny Stool” Sketch
Ian: He was sitting on a ridiculously tiny stool.
“It’s time for fish tracks.”
Riff pulled from Fishin’ With RiffTrax.
“Kids, all good first aid involves befouling the public water supply.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: First Aid for Children – I Can Do It Myself.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Estonia” Sketch
Kevin: What do we want?
“This screenplay broke the world record for the use of the word ‘lumbering.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Final Justice.
“Stupid non-Wings Hauser actor. Why aren’t you Wings Hauser? God, I miss Wings Hauser. Now, that man can microwave a croissant.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fever Lake.
“Santa Claus and kangaroos—yep, it’s Thanksgiving alright.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Festival of Fun Days.
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