“Oh, when I get bored I mutilate phallic objects.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!
Author: Rifftrax
“Hey, tough guy. Yo, big shooter. Hey, steak escape. Ho ho, funky bunch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Night Before Christmas.
“Okay, now try beckoning not like a wraith trying to lure us into a hell dimension.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Song For Santa.
“Yep, I’d love to help, but I’m spreading leptospirosis into this water right now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.
“Hey Timmy, could you grab my balls like 100 percent less?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
Sketches & Speeches: “The Polonia Brothers Erotica Sketch”
Kevin: Oh yes. Soap up there, mustache. That’s how Kevie likes it.
“Oh, when I get bored I mutilate phallic objects.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!
“The new Marmadukes are in. This will keep us laughing for months.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
“Kids love it when furries have labor disputes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.
PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, the White Stripes babies.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
“Sure, text books. Add those to the list of things that belong in a little girl’s room right under full-size piano and tree candles.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Dream.
“Oh boy! I’ve always wanted a creepy bandleader who says ‘yowser. ‘”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Gifts From The Air.
“I don’t know. I don’t think, say Carl Reiner, has a lot of growing up to do.”
Carl Reiner March 20, 1922 – June 29, 2020
“Fake Roger Daltrey is just pissed because she stepped on his chance to do a ‘meet the new boss, same as the old boss’ thing.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
“Nikki Sixx once woke up with a needle still in his arm, but you know, respectfully doing household chores is pretty metal too.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Riff & React: “Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.”
Movie: Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.
“Cyrus Clemmons, he use to play saxophone with Bryce Sprungsteen, Steamy Zan Fant, Jack Steinberg, and the rest of the Three Street Band.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flatts.
“Well, his hatred of doors is nothing compared to my hatred of The Doors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Tourist Trap.
“They loved super annoying noise in the sixties. I mean, between this and The Doors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis has seen better days.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Beast of the Yellow Night.
PixTrax: “Operator, I’m wearing a thing that makes me look like Anthony Kiedis.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Last Woman on Earth.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis, civil servant.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Death Promise.
“The young tramp was before the tramp got powers and became Supertramp.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.
PixTrax: “The Journey and Boston album covers are at war.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.
“‘Uncharted Journeys to the Sun,’ is this a mellow crooner cover of a Rush song?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
PixTrax: “If you stare into it long enough you join Emerson, Lake and Palmer.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Return.
“Oh great! Now, a prog rock concert is gonna to start. Run kid, run.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Emerson, Lake and Palmer Song Is Trying to Start Sketch”
Mike: An Emerson, Lake and Palmer song is trying to start!
“Based on the noise, I’d say we’re hiding in Keith Emerson’s closet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare.
“I thought phony Beatlemania had bitten the dust. Was everything The Clash taught me a lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
“Glen Danzig will watch you bathe outdoors. Just try our new service. Get 15 percent off your first order with discount code ‘Glen Danzig will watch you bathe outdoors.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Berserker: Hell’s Warrior.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Boys Sketch”
Mike: Maybe these are “The Boys?”
“It looks like a hotel room that got trashed by The Decemberists.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up A Room.
“I don’t know. This underwater stage production of The Wall just isn’t hitting home for me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
“Big missed opportunity not queuing up something off of Atom Heart Mother for this fight.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
PixTrax: “Someday, Pink Floyd will record a song about this.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.
“Patty Smyth is pissed. She’s going to shoot at them like they’re the walls of heartache.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.
“‘Rumours on the Street,’ Fleetwood Mac’s unfortunate attempt at a hip hop album.”
Riff Pulled from RiffTrax: Velvet Smooth.
“We’ll go our own way per Fleetwood Mac’s advice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.
“Okay, Fleetwood Mac rules. Everyone grab a new partner and switch beds.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Dresden 1945 Sketch”
Mike: Mmm, I guess we’re in Dresden 1945?
“Lumbering numbskulls. Unthinking. Unquestioning in their obedience. Yep, Morrissey fans every one.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Horror Express.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Are You Ready To Rock Sketch”
Kevin: Are you ready to rock?
“Use the Force, Zindy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Zindy The Swamp Boy.
“So they all have regrettable Star Wars tattoos. Who cares?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yesterday’s Target.
“I feel a great disturbance in the Yambao.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yambao.
“So, throwing tantrums is his main power. He’s like a way cooler version of Kylo Ren.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Wes Craven’s Mind Ripper.
“So, is he a padawan learner or a stormtrooper? These Star Wars Blu-rays are really confusing.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Warriors of the Wasteland.
“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes–two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.
“Malla? They’re praying to Chewbacca’s wife?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness.
Riff & React: “There’s a force in this room.”
Movie: There’s a force in this room.
“I assume for 1930s audiences seeing this pack of dogs on screen was the equivalent of a hundred Death Stars.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Most Dangerous Game.
RiffTrax Track: “Can It Nerd”
“Can It Nerd” pulled from RiffTrax: The Little Unicorn.
“Ah, Luke is here to free Leia and Han from—I’m kidding. It’s a barely disguised Jaime Pressly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Journey: Absolution.
“Always have to take an elective before you begin Jedi training.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bride and The Beast.
“I got metachorlreians coming out of my ass, I tells ya.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Supersonic Man.
“You call that a hyperdrive? I’ve seen more torque on a BB-8.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.
“A text from General Akbar. It says: ‘It’s a tra’–I’ll finish it later. “
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer.
“Reno: the Tosche Station of Nevada.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“The last person I was this happy to see burn was Anakin Skywalker.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ghost House.
“Not to be confused with ‘Fisto Fury.’ That is some very disturbing fan fiction about Kit Fitso.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.
“They did it. They invented a kid more annoying then Jake Lloyd. I didn’t think it was possible.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Firehead.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Undramatic Digital Fantasy Effects Sketch”
Kevin: So, at what age do you stop being interested in really undramatic digital fantasy effects?
PixTrax: “R2 fell in with some bad droids.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who: Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.
“Someday, with any luck, I’ll be ‘Grand Moff’ of a place like this.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who and The Daleks.
“Ohh, this one’s big enough to tauntaun.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Deadly Prey.
“Yeah, it’s a bit late to start dropping fourth-rate Han Solo quips, pal.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cyber Tracker.
Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”
Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.
“They can’t fix the bike until their nephew returns with some power converters.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cool as Ice.
“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
“Hey, a stormtrooper finally hit somebody.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Battlefield Earth.
“This excitement is what Star Wars failed to deliver by not showing Luke picking up the power converters at Tosche Station.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Attack From Space.
PixTrax: “Welcome to Skywalker Ranch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Alien Outlaw.
“147 parsecs!?! Han Solo could have made the Kessel Run 12 times by now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe.
Sketches & Speeches: “The I’m Gonna Come Back and Haunt You, Okay? Speech”
“Ohai Mark. Hai Denny. Hai Lisa.
“Even in death he smells of expired buttermilk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“The unspecified banking industry has just been hell lately.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is a dried apple in a wig.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“This is all wrong. This isn’t how people play football. Where’s the tuxes?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“In terms of erotic moments, this rates right in between Craig Stadler’s win at the ’82 Masters and President Taft’s inauguration.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Oh baby, talk naughty to me in an incomprehensible accent.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Hot chocolate and a mint tea, are you guys headed to Lilithfair?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Not like jean jackets, man. Jean jackets make total sense to me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“He’s like Richard Nixon setting up the Watergate recordings only not as sexy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“It is pretty customary to buy your mother-in-law’s friend a house.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“I think I broke me underwears.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Sorry guys, I miss read the email. Thought we were meeting on the fake roof not the fake alley.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“He’s so dreamy in a Macaroni Grill waiter kinda of way.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Gentlemen, please. I am wearing a beanie!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Yeah, and that’s why Russel Stover was just drowning in poon.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“My banking shirt. I need that for banking.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Riff & React: “If you love me you’ll drink this.”
Movie: If you love me you’ll drink this.
“Ah yes, Dominos’ I-was-born-without-taste-buds special.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Efficient Sex Scene Sketch”
Kevin: Now, why can’t the sex scenes be that efficient?
“Just sitting next to a framed picture of a spoon.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“How did he get this rose to smell like old cat food?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Who sets their alarm for 28 minutes past the hour?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Poor Usher Sketch”
Mike: Man, poor usher, huh?
