Author: Rifftrax
“Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend break dancing for their patients who chew gum.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Flash That Smile.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Tiny Stool” Sketch
Ian: He was sitting on a ridiculously tiny stool.
“It’s time for fish tracks.”
Riff pulled from Fishin’ With RiffTrax.
“Kids, all good first aid involves befouling the public water supply.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: First Aid for Children – I Can Do It Myself.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Estonia” Sketch
Kevin: What do we want?
“This screenplay broke the world record for the use of the word ‘lumbering.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Final Justice.
“Stupid non-Wings Hauser actor. Why aren’t you Wings Hauser? God, I miss Wings Hauser. Now, that man can microwave a croissant.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fever Lake.
“Santa Claus and kangaroos—yep, it’s Thanksgiving alright.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Festival of Fun Days.
“I’m disappointed with your first quarter sales report, Thompson.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Feelings: I’m Feeling Alone.
“He spends more time in the basement than the New York Jets.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
“The art department nailed what I thought her closet would look like.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Feeders.
Nick Nolte Moment From Fears Of Children
Bill: Oh hey, Mr. Nolte.
“Fear, my reaction to new ideas and surroundings.”
The First Riff from RiffTrax Presents: Fear.
“Mmm, authentic cactus bacon and horse eggs.”
Riff pulled RiffTrax Shorts: Fashion Horizons.
PixTrax: “LBJ: avid snowmobiler.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Farm Family in Winter.
“Oh no, all the cows are wearing the same outfit.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Farm Family in Summer.
“Hey, a little privacy. I’m trying to pollinate here.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Farm Family in Spring.
“You know what though Mary Jo, if I lived on a farm I’d want it to be in the city, like with an open concept.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Farm Family in Autumn.
“Thanks for inviting me over to lunch, Jimmy. Your mom is delicious.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Farm Babies and Their Mothers.
“A farm is a grotesque eating machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Farm Animals.
“Welcome to Waldrick, a tiny country bordered by Fredonia, Gilder, and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fangs of the Living Dead.
“Mom knew I despised crockery of any kind.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Family Teamwork.
“Cheerios, the Josh Groban of breakfast cereals.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Families: Food and Eating.
PixTrax: “Stand on the right if you’re fabulous!”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Families: Earning and Spending.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Guy From That Terrible Star Trek Movie” Sketch
Bill: Help! That guy from that terrible Star Trek movie is grabbing us.
“Never take dietary advice from a man whose head looks like a boiled onion.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Fad Diet Circus.
“Motionless in a Brady Bunch box.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Emergencies – What Would You Do?
“Yeah, I studied clarinet at Berkeley. Punched my conductor once. Now, I’m doing egg council shorts.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Eggs To Market.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Are You High On Something “Sketch
Movie: Are you high on something?
“Does he do his homework and then listen to baseball on the radio? Or does he smear peanut butter on his chest and snort frozen peas?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Each Child is Different.
“Mr. Grey began to change the typewriter ribbon, letting the thin strip of feathery fabric cascade over her wool-suited, beclad bosom.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Duties of a Secretary.
“Be ectothermic—lay leathery eggs in a sand hole.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Duck and Cover.
“It’s the Lego William Burroughs starter kit.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Drugs Are Like That.
“‘Zupnick-Curtis Enterprises’—when you want your film production to sound like office supplies.”
The first riff of RiffTrax Presents: Dreamscape.
“Ah Halloween, so many horn-based memories.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Drawing for Beginners: The Triangle.
“Or to put it simply, draw one side of a square a bunch of times.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Drawing for Beginners: The Square.
“Elise Ruffini, professor of advanced rectangleology, and Harriet Knapp, parallelogram enthusiast.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Drawing For Beginners: The Rectangle.
Riff & React: Kevin & Dragon Wars: D-War
Movie: I’ve covered some crazy stories.
“Look at this, two stupid robots sitting in front of a dumb movie.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who and the Daleks.
“I used to play synthesizer for the group ‘New Balance Factor.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Down and Out.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Power Corp” Sketch
Movie: In other news, a plane containing medical supplies exploded last night and authorities believe it’s the work of the Power Corp.
“It was time to go to YouTube comments and tell classical violinists they’re ugly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Don’t Get Angry.
“Oh, ‘When They Go Bush’ that’s the title of Lou Diamond Phillips’ book about his wife leaving him for Melissa Ethridge.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Don’t Be a Bloody Idiot.
“I shouldn’t do it, but how many people can ever say they had sex with a dinosaur?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dinosaurus.
Riff & React: Mike & Dinosaurs: The Age of the Terrible Lizard
Movie: They were reptiles and they were hatched from eggs.
“Okay fruit, prepare to be looked at by a real pro.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Dining Together.
“London isn’t international. It’s just in a different country.”
The first riff from RiffTrax Presents: Devil Girl From Mars.
PixTrax: “A young Rachel Maddow looks perplexed.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Decisions Decisions.
“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: December Holidays.
“Live Chinese and krill comedy! Come see the very best in Chairman Mao impressions and crawfish anecdotes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Death Promise.
“‘Action International,’ parent company to ‘Romantic Comedy Regional.'”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Deadly Prey.
“He managed to be lascivious about rubble.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Deadly Instincts.
“Sad people soullessly stamping out product. This is how I picture Marvel films.”
Riff pulled from Day of the Shorts: SF Sketchfest 2019.
“Ah, the California Angels. Such an uncomplicated, natural sounding team name. I hope it never changes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Day of the Animals.
“Almonds! Who do you think we are, King Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: David and Hazel: A Story in Communication.
“My hand! I needed that to feel up 7 of 9.”
Star Trek Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dark Future.
“If I was homeless, I’d definitely urinate here!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Shorts: Danger Keep Out!
“And can my resemblance to Mark Trail help in anyway?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Damaged Goods.
PixTrax: “They’ve found a Metroid save point.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Cyborg Cop 2.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Doesn’t This Director Know How To Make A Horror Movie?” Speech
“Come on, this is ridiculous. Doesn’t this director know how to make a horror movie?
“Those green egg trees are missing something. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Courtesy: A Good Eggsample.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Hard Bop” Sketch
Bill: Kids really enjoy their hard bop, don’t they?
RiffTrax Tracks: County Fair Super Mix
RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: County Fair.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Suzanne Pleshette” Speech
“Hi, folks. I’m Corkren Theopolis Crow. You may remember me from Alfred Hitchcock’s classic thriller, The Birds. I got to pluck Suzanne Pleshette’s eyes out. You know, working with Ms. Pleshette was a delight. She was a real pro and her eyeballs were delicious. And now here’s our story.” The “Suzanne Pleshette” Speech pulled from […]
PixTrax: “Joseph Goebbels loves his recumbent bike.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cork – Crashes and Curiosities.
“I am a William Katt doppelganger, sir, and I deserve respect.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cops: Who Needs Them?
“Someone in the audience has to go to the bathroom but they’re worried he might light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle while they’re in there.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cool As Ice.
“Got a tartare of ear shell clams on two, make the Chateaubriand walk, and give the panna cotta wings!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cooks and Chefs.
“Tim is easily surprised by batter textures. It’s an endearing quirk of his.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cooking Terms.
“Hey, please don’t insult the puss-filled eggs by comparing them to Coors Light.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Contamination.
“Huh? Constance Bennett presents her daily beauty rituals. I wonder what this one’s about?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Constance Bennett’s Daily Beauty Rituals.
“Ah, urinals and comic sans. Together at last.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Color It Clean.
“You know, when you think about it, there’s almost a certain logic to it that people associate coffee houses with coffee.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Coffeehouse Rendezvous.
“Aneurysms tickle.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Clean and Neat with Harv and Marv.
“That was one wild night—drank a bottle of Old Grand-dad, smoked a packed of cigarettes, and studied plankton till dawn.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The City of the Dead.
“A codependent fairy godmother.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Cindy Goes To A Party.
“Whoa! A face like a squid’s anus.”
Riff pulled from Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.
“The doughnuts give me the husky energy I need.”
Riff pulled from Christmas with RiffTrax featuring Magic Christmas Tree.
“Is dad a retired stooge or something?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Toyshop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Not He-Man” Sketch
Bill: Now, which one these figures is Stinkor, the Evil Master of Odors?
“Chairman Mao goes nuts for a good nativity scene.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax shorts: Christmas Customs Near and Far.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Discussing Watchmen” Speech
“No, see, I have to agree with Alan Moore that the whole Before Watchmen thing is shameless.
“I hope Santa doesn’t bring him corn on the cob.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Charlie’s Christmas Secret.
“He was kinda the Pete Best of the group.”
The Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Charade.
PixTrax: “Hey, this would make a good Star Trek set.”
Star Trek PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Cat-Women of the Moon.
“Warnings by fish-headed Star Wars characters not withstanding”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Carnivorous Plants.
“These two can’t stand each other, but they put it aside for the love of the dredging.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Carnival of Souls.
“Every kitchen needs an Andy Warhol installation.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Campbell’s Soup: The Magic Shelf.
“Dear Diary, my bowtie hates me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Call It Free Part 2.
“And replace the panties and check the tension of the g-string.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Call It Free Part 1.
“And don’t let your son join a band called ‘The Skinless Wieners.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Buying Food.
“The Muppets look more natural riding bikes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Busy Bodies.
“Can my pocket help?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Building Better Paragraphs.”
“Pregnant women and the elderly should not attempt sub-topics without a doctor’s approval.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Building An Outline.
PixTrax: “Suddenly, out of nowhere, Duane Allman appeared.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Buffalo Rider.
PixTrax: “Bryan Ferry and Bruce Dern: mad scientists.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Bridget and Mary Jo’s Halloween Safety and Monster Movie Mash-up.
“This Amazonian rainforest heat calls for a wool pashmina.”
Riff pulled RiffTrax Presents: Bride of the Gorilla.
“The worst complaint of all is Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo wasn’t long enough.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Breaker! Breaker!
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