Sketches & Speeches: The “Gritty Reboot” Sketch
Kevin: It’s the gritty reboot of ‘Setting Up A Room.’
Author: Rifftrax
“The history of cinema has a lot of mail checking scenes, but this one is definitely the best. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say ‘the best?’ I meant the ‘longest.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Miami Connection.
“And if you’ve never seen this guy back down a ladder, you are in for a treat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mesa of Lost Women.
“Okay, this sword fight is reaching ‘Hey Jude’ levels of over-staying its welcome.”
Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin: The Return.
“If only movies featured ironic comeuppances. I’d be worried for him.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders.
Riff & React: Bridget & Meet Mrs. Swenson
Movie: Alright, the Packers will be here in a few minutes!
“Are you my new dad this week?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measuring Man!
“Eat pigeon crap, heckler scum.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measure Metric.
“Here’s a great educational program about digesting your food which is preventing you from digesting your food.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mealtime Manners & Health.
“Spanish guys with guns swarming over a wall—it’s a Lou Dobbs fever dream.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: McBain.
“Why did they make this prison so hard to get out of?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Maximum Revenge.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”
Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—
“The sound of something circling a drain. I can’t imagine a better way to end an ACI short.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Masks of Grass.
Riff & React: Kevin & Martial Law 2
Movie: So, who’s the new girl?
PixTrax: “Classic. They’re playing good cop, Kenny Loggins-resembling cop.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Martial Law.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Married Too Young.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Marriage is a Partnership
“You’re less popular than the kid who called teacher ‘mommy.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Manners in School.
“Sun visor gun’s got nothing on ass-knife.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dangerous Men.*
“‘A Touch of Pacino’ is my new line of poultry seasoning.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Powers of Darkness” Sketch
Mike: I summoned all the powers of darkness to bring my plush toy collection to life.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Giant X” Sketch
Bill: Oh god, a giant ‘X’ from nowhere!
“Made that rice disappear quicker than Jonah Hill at a Chinese buffet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Magical Disappearing Money.
“Victims like the neighbor’s pet chicken, Richard M. Chickson.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Lycan Colony.
“That’s Dr. Gym Teacher to you. Now, drop and give me twenty.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Lunchroom Manners.
“We need to protect people from reactions we can’t predict.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Lucky Day.
PixTrax: “He should be at the skinny Adam West convention.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Lovely But Deadly.
“Don’t let Keith Moon drive.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Love That Car!
Riff & React: Mike and Live and Learn
Movie: A campfire can be a lot fun, but it can also be very dangerous.
“Pipe down the Jewish a little, Mushnick. You make Maimonides seem like Tab Hunter.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Little Shop of Horrors.
“Yeah, grandma loves wheat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Little Red Riding Hood.
“I can has battle to death with skunk baby?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Little Lost Scent.
“My father said I’d never be able to extort city governments with a light blaster. How do you like me now, dad!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Light Blast.
“My god! They’re killing non-consumers!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Life in the Suburbs.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Seventies Hipster” Sketch
Bill: God, a seventies hipster!
“Some women don’t match their outfits to the counter. Can you imagine, Bridget?
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Talk Turkey.
“We now return to ‘Acid Trip Babies’ already in progress.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Pretend: Magic Sneakers.
“Left a little ‘jellicle’ in your slippers, pal.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Give Kitty a Bath.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Last Woman on Earth.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Ladybug, Ladybug, Winter is Coming.
Sketches and Speeches: The “Lady Mobster” Sketch
Mary Jo: Whoa, was this what it was like for you Bridget when you became a lady mobster?
“Tony, I’m afraid your son is Danish. There’s nothing we can do.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Know For Sure.
“Mommy’s lip sync is always off before her morning coffee.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Kitty Cleans Up.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Bailey Films” Sketch
Bill: Bailey Films, a division of the Bailey Building and Loan.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech
“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,
Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders
Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.
“They all come running for the great taste of Bert.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: King of Kong Island.
“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Ruined Heling” Sketch
Kevin: You know, it’s almost like Nazis have ruined heiling things for the rest of us.
“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.
“The ‘Keep Off The Grass’ cinematic universe is expanding very quickly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Keep Off The Grass.
“Kids love embroidery.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Katy.
“He gets so snippy when he’s sleeveless.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Karate Cop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Kangaroo Can’t Play Basketball” Sketch
Kevin: Wait a second. Is there a rule that says a kangaroo can’t play basketball?
Sketches and Speeches: The “Long Walk” Speech
“It was a long walk from his death row cell to what laid waiting for him.
“You know, you have to encourage kids like him or they turn to drugs and improv.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Junior Prom.
“She walks like Rod from Birdemic.”
Birdemic Callback Riff pulled from RiffTrack: Julie and Jack.
“Ah great, a joy ride. These usually end well in educational films.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Joy Ride.
“How do these shorts manage to make the concept of children seem creepy?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Join Hands, Let Go!
“Post-op Orville Redenbacher was an excellent cosmetology educator.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jobs in Cosmetology.
“Wearing his contempt like a badge; referring to his classmates as sheeple.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jimmy of the Safety Patrol.
“Well, “cool” in the sense orthopedic headgear and Ziggy comics are cool.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack-O.
“When you first open it, the hamster urine can be pretty powerful.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack The Giant Killer.
“Oh relax, it’s not poison. It’s elephant semen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
“You’re dead kid. I’m this land’s Usain Bolt.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jack and the Beanstalk.
“Pa, I want to be an influencer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: It’s A Wonderful Life.
“It seems like things are getting better but as soon as someone drops a candy wrapper it will be The Monsters Are Due In Maple Street all over again.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: It Must Be The Neighbors.
“I just want to hold a file today that isn’t damp from sheriff sweat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Invasion of the Bee Girls (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Laplanders can’t estimate size, that’s my favorite racists stereotype.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Invasion of the Animal People.
“Junior high health class was especially tough on William Cameron Menzies.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Invaders from Mars.
“His debut gets a Jar Jar Binks like reception.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Individual Differences.
“I miss the thrill of mom’s melancholy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: In Between.
“Game. Set. Blanford.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Improve Your Pronunciation.
“Remember, blind obedience is the only cure for clown induced depression.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: If Mirrors Could Speak.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Learning People’s Name” Sketch
Bill: Icebreaker. Get ready for ninety minutes of a corporate retreat where everyone sits in a circle learning people’s name through a fun game.
Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man
Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.
“There’s a Kringle on the wing of the plane.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus.
“Bob regrets not eating his twin in the womb.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How To Keep A Job.
Sketches & Speeches: The “That’s Classifieds” Sketch
Bridget: What ads are you putting in the paper?
“Yes, always capitalize ‘fart.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: How to be a Friend.
“The sadly, ironic juxtaposition you just saw in the cutaways was a lie, digitally manipulated by longtime enemies of Fred.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How Much Affection?
PixTrax: “Bentals Unlimited. I wonder if they bent roats. I’d love to take my fids kishing.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Honor and Glory.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch
Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?
“You got Venmo or are you one of those Zelle weirdos?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Hijacked: Flight 285.
“Traffic Education Unit: teaching about, and advocating for, a Steve Winwood based progressive rock group since 1945.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Highway Mania.
“Which one of you jerk wads got my essay on Hume’s Dialogues Concerning Natural Religions?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: High School U.S.A.
“Are you ready for some Hinkelfinking?
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: High School Hero.
Riff & React: Mike & Health: Your Posture
Movie: You’re neat and clean and healthy looking.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch
Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.
“But don’t post anything on Facebook. King Herod is always online.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Have A Mary Jo Christmas and A Bridget New Year!
“I’m a cowboy, but I just love teaching dressage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts.
“Boats. Photography. Caffeinated beverages. This movie has everything.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Before I Say Goodbye*
“We can’t spare seven seconds to draw a face on the bag!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Halloween Party.
PixTrax: “It stinks.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Gumby: The Movie
Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly
Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.
“God damn, you old-school sapping weeds!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goodbye, Weeds.
“This boy in his underpants, dragging a log, illustrates it well.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Health Practices.
“Chew deep into the afternoon.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Eating Habits.
“Actual bears cooking porridge. Even ACI tipped their hat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
Keep Rolling! 
You must be logged in to post a comment.