“He’s been weird ever since those chimps tossed him.”
Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 5: Animals Behaving Badly
Author: Rifftrax
Riff & React: Kevin & Total Riff Off Episode 4: Man V. Monster
Movie: I could soon be face-to-face with a monster.
“Gator trapping is mostly about the laughs.”
Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 3: Guy and a Goose.
“So, now it’s multiple bats? I’m starting to doubt this guy’s degree in hogwash-ology.”
Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 2: Demon Bat.
“In short, the Shrimp-pocalypse is nigh. Weak humans bow before your new crustacean masters.”
Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 1: Killer Shrimp N’ Friends
“Weaker areas of knowledge include shoe purchasing and pants maintenance”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Tooth Truth with Harv and Marv.
“Such haphazard bunny placement.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Tommy’s Day.
“You know, if she didn’t do all this crap maybe she wouldn’t have grandma toes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Toes Tell/Whose Shoes?
“This is God. Meat Loaf was my greatest mistake. Sorry.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: To Catch a Yeti.
“So, two years ago I got kicked in the head by a Clydesdale. Now, I make clocks out of children.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Tic Toc Time Clock.
“They are running out of rhymes, they’ll have to go with Peter Tork.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Three Magic Words.
“Okay, one more time in the shape of your butt—ah, my butt—a butt! Never mind.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: This is Roller Skating.
“Careful, handling oblong tins can lead to picnic boning.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: This is Hormel.
“The number one and number two reasons for missed baseball games: Tommy John surgery and bracket repair.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Things Are Different Now.
Crocodile Dundee Riff From RiffTrax: Things
Kevin: I’d bring Crocodile Dundee in to comment on the knife situation, but I can’t subject him to this.
“You know, of all the things I thought we’d see in this movie, the deflowering of a camping stove is not one of them”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Wonderful Land of Oz.
“You know what they say, you’re never truly broke if you have rage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Wizard.
“No one’s home. Time for some trademark Glen Ford skinny dipping. Just got to sunscreen-up the Glen Ford junk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Visitor.
“Next episode, please!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: The Veil – Part 2.
“Anyone old enough to remember when Michael York was considered a movie star? No?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: The Veil – Part 1.
“So what’s weirder, a talking dog or dog that wants to watch a kid rehearse theater?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Value of Teamwork.
“These shoulder pads are a full time job.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Troublemaker.
“Now there are tampons in the cigarette machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Trouble With Women.
Riff & React: Mike & The Toy Maker
Movie: I want to tell you a story about two puppets I made.
“You know I have a bad feeling about this. White mice are the ‘red shirts’ of the animal kingdom.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Tiny Astronaut.
“But then I remembered Chuck is a heroin addict. Our supply was probably where it always was in the bag labeled heroin right in the cabinet labeled heroin.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Terrible Truth.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Talking Cat!?!” Sketch
Kevin: The talking cat!?!
“Lesson number one for winter survival, do not watch the Star Wars Holiday Special.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Tale of Moose Baby.
“Stop handing me swords. My weapon is devastating sarcasm.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sword and the Sorcerer.
“For once, I’m glad I didn’t go to refrigeration school.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Spring Collection.
“Nerd Defender, this fall on CBS.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
“These two are about as covert as a pride parade.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness.
“Eat a fish, pull your beard, laugh about it—all classic snowman stuff!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Snowman.
“You know, as soon as this town gets Sara on track they can tackle the booming meth problem.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Snob.
“I like my ‘five-tini’ up, with an olive, no elf.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Shoemaker and the Elves.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Who’s Your Favorite Character So Far” Sketch
Bill: So, who’s your favorite character so far?
“You guys want any more monkey nads? If not I’m going to scrape the grill.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Revenge of Doctor X.
“We demand freedom for ham slices now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Second Annual Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas Special.
Riff & React: Mike & The Return
Movie: I’m not used to lady scientists running through the streets of my little town.
“I should warn you, my pants have a touch of Lycra for an easy feel.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Retrievers.
“I’ll dominate all conifers.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Relaxed Wife + Consuming Women.
“So, she’s just going to sit there in the duck urine?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Red Hen.
“Oh Dick, I just love Slayer!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Prom: It’s A Pleasure.
“The door just opened and now it smells like Bela Lugosi in here. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Phantom Creeps.
“Those are the exact same words people use when trying to describe Rosie O’Donnell: ‘Ah, they. Um, them. Or, she. No, um, her. It! Yeah.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Parts of Speech.
“I’m giving you a wedgie with my mind.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Other Fellow’s Feelings.
“A common Transylvanian food that may be killing you. We’ll have the full story at ten.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Night That Dracula Saved The World.
“What child wouldn’t want a swan replica?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Night Before Christmas.
“Way to stereotype. Of course, the shoplifter is a folk-rock contemporary fan.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Myths of Shoplifting.
“The human is my lunch, Brad.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: The Return of Swamp Thing.
“I’m going with ‘D’ because ‘Bedonger’ is a hilarious name.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Mysterious Message.
“’Hidden Sugar’ is the name of a smooth jazz album I recorded with Al Jarreau in the eighties.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Munchers.
“Hey, if you come across Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly, run. They’re just making it up as they go.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Most Dangerous Game.
“She could tell the skeleton belonged to a white person by The Decemberists ticket in its pocket.”
Rock ‘n’ Riffs pulled from RiffTrax: The Minion.
Riff & React: Bill & The Million Eyes of Sumuru
Movie: You know Rome?
“Discussing aging against a backdrop of today’s hottest baroque hits.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Maturing Woman.
“Watching one pool through another pool—this world is very pool-based.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Magic Sword.
“I love stuff from other people’s mouths.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Magic Shop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Piltdown Man” Sketch
Mike: Whoa, he went there.
“All cartoons led me to believe that long underwear with butt flaps would be a bigger part of my life.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Little King: Christmas Night.
“Finally, a movie that blends my two loves: close-ups of trash and the music of Iron Butterfly.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Litter Monster.
“If there’s only one collaborator, who’d she collaborate with?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Lemonade Stand: What’s Fair?
“‘That’s My Severed Trachea.’ This fall on TBS. Very funny.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Slumber Party.
“Usually with this many shirtless guys in one place, in the eighties, you’d expect a karate rivalry to break out.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Shark.
“Shoes on the couch. Well, I guess it really is the apocalypse.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Man on Earth.
“Poor dope. He always wanted a pool. In the end, he got himself a pool, but the price turned out to be a little high.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Lady and the Rocket.
Riff & React: The Kids Guide to the Internet
Movie: Yahoo. I’ve heard of that.Connor or Sean: —Yahoo’s new slogan.
“Can we speak frankly about your stankiness?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts with Bridget & Mary Jo: The Joy of Living With Fragrance
“Little bastard was sneaking out for KFC Double Downs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant.
PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, even Cheaper Trick.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The House on Sorority Row.
PixTrax: “Wow, the inner tube under your pants look was huge in the sixties.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Hothead / The Forgetter.
“Right now, he’s going to pretend he’s Caroline in the City.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Home of the Future.
Riff & React: Kevin & The Hideous Sun Demon
Movie: Now, we know that each individual goes through this evolutionary process before he is born.
“I’ve seen enough tortoise ass to last a lifetime.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Hare & The Tortoise.
Sketches & Speeches: The “We Can Go Have Sex” Sketch
Kevin: We can go have sex.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gossip” Sketch
Mary Jo: Bridget, I want to gossip about you, but you’re my only coworker. So, do you mind?
“She’s like Sgt. Shultz but with a better midriff.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.
“You make me wish your sister and I never had kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Galaxy Invader.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Johnson, but our policy won’t allow us to take checks written to the order of your ass.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: The Front Line.
“Finally, all the fun of looking at a fish tank without having to actually look at a fish tank.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Fish That Nearly Drowned.
“I hope this doesn’t sound culturally insensitive, but your religion eats.”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Wild Women of Wongo.
“Probably shouldn’t poop here. That would be a pretty big clue.”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Killers from Space.
“Did we order an ass?”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark.
“Yes, sir. This is what I do it for. To be lifted and caressed by other bediapered men.”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Giant of Marathon.
“Finally, a cult where fat guys can sway all they want.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Devil’s Hand.
“‘The Day I Died’ the follow up to ‘The Night I Ate Two Baconator Triple Combos.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Day I Died.
“Oddball times like 5 quirky and 17 o’clock.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark Power.
“Alyson Hannigan in American Pie 22: Septuagenarian Antics.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark.
“Damn kids; always interrupting my plant-sex.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Creeps Machine.
“He looks like a man who has strong opinions about the differences in quality between Hooters franchises.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Crater Lake Monster.
“Oh, leave her be. She has a Yankees jersey, a Mets clock, and a Dodgers posters. She’s clearly a very confused child.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Clean Club.
“We interrupt this mind-numbingly dull safety film to bring you a mind-numbingly dull safety film.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 2).
“Safer than Safeville and Safetown? You’re mad!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 1).
“Reproach and everlasting shame sits mocking in my pigtails.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Calendar: How To Use It.
“Always have to take an elective before you begin Jedi training.”
Star Wars Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bride and the Beast.
“People’s dreams are so boring even if they are wearing chaps in them.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Boy Who Didn’t Listen.
“The tam o’ shanter, the haggis of the hat world.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Retrograde Thrust” Sketch
Mary Jo: Oh yeah, that must be the retrograde thrust.
“Do you like my tam o’ shanter?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: The Blessed Midnight.
Keep Rolling! 
You must be logged in to post a comment.