Sketches & Speeches: The “President Ford” Sketch
Bill: President Ford is about to speak.Mike: He was elected in out hearts. The “President Ford” Sketch pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Someday.
Author: Rifftrax
RiffTrax Track:
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Social Acceptability.
TBD
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Soapy The Germ Fighter (Live Edition).
Sketches & Speeches: The “Longest Snowmobiling Sequence Since Records Began” Sketch
Ian: This must be the longest snowmobiling sequence since records began.
“Is it the excessive skull thickness?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Snap Out Of It!
“All good friendships start with the bequeathing of a shovel.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Skipper Learns a Lesson.
“Death takes a dump on us all at some point.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Six Murderous Beliefs.
“Tool Sheds Enterers, this fall on Nat Geo Channel.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: Sisters of Death.
“Anybody need anything Walked or Texas ranged?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Silent Rage.
“Not many people heard it, but everyone single one who did went out and wrote their own hymn about stuff being quiet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol.
“I hope you kids like Scotch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shy Guy.
“My apologies, sir. I know what it’s like to lose a janitor.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Shrunken Heads.
“Please don’t be a Charlie Chan movie. I’m not up to riffing anything problematic.”
The first riff from RiffTrax Presents: Sherlock Holmes: Terror By Night.
“SpongeBob Band-Aids turn me on.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Sherlock Holmes: Dressed To Kill.
“I wrote it myself, highlighting his love of mojitos and cat memes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Sherlock Holmes and the Woman in Green.
“I feel like you really get me, Rolf.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon.
“Hate to snap-judge, but England looks kinda gray.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace.
“Hey kids, proper grammar is everyone’s family.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Max Havoc: Ring of Fire.
“Oh, come on! Anyone else’s pee except Igor’s.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: She Demons.
“Well, you know this is about a woman because she’s got the heat full blast.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: SHE.
“Treat the cone like a lover’s taunt nipple.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shapes We Live With.
“Ahh! Bury me with my Charlene Tilton poster.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shake Hands With Danger.
“I’m stickier than Tila Tequila on a Friday night.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Seven Little Ducks.
“Her disgust at the currently allotted reading area fills her mouth with bile.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up a Room.
“Man, I hate cocky seniors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Senior Power.
“Come on! You call this a muffin eating scene?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Self-Conscious Guy.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the Haircut 100 concert.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Seat Belts: The Life Saving Habit.
Riff & React: Ian & Matthew & Scared to Death
Movie: Someone has been giving her orders via mental telepathy.
“Gee, it’s not often you meet a guy who knows a Scottish guy. Should I let my heart go?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Scared To Death.
“Ding. Don’t talk to men with Bob Dylan moustaches.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Say No to Strangers.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch
Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.
“Oh knee buttons, will you ever bring me peace?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Summer House.
“What do you think, background pervert?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Santa’s Spaceship.
“Back to the Snowland? Man, optimize your supply chain!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa Claus’ Workshop.
“And the children are thrown into a frenzy not seen since Stravinsky debuted The Rite of Spring.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy.
“And tea kettles are my only form of communication.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
“Yep, nothing says soldier like tight, red jeggings.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Santa and the Fairy Snow Queen.
“Guys, has Pumpkin Patch Pictures ever made a bad film?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: San Franpsycho.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Narrating Another Woman” Sketch
Kevin: That night, mother found out father had been narrating another woman.
“He forgot to stay groovy and guard himself against stagflation.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety Woman: In Danger Out of Doors.
“Umm, Gila was the doctor not the monster actually.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety with Animals.
“And literacy is out to a commanding, early lead.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety As We Play.
“Hey, they’re running out of ‘whoo whoo whoo whoo.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety – Harm Hides at Home.
“Young Bruce Springsteen, you stop running right now. And no, you are not born to do it, mister.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safe Living at School.
“I think I ruptured my bowl full of jelly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
“‘Brice Mack.’ Pretty sure that’s one of the names we invented for the guy in Space Mutiny.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
“Yep, if you earned an eye roll from Joe Estevez it’s time sort out your life.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rollergator
RiffTrax Tracks: “We Accept The Challenge”
“We Accept The Challenge” pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
PixTrax: “The Art Garfunkel Army has finally seized power.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Judson Landis will collaborate anything if the price is right. He’s a collabo-whore.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Right or Wrong?
“Robot testicle flashback.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Special: 90s Cyber Thrillers.
“Tolkien slash fiction. ‘Fifty Shades of Gandalf the Grey.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Horror Express (by Matthew J. Elliott).
“Good night fat astronaut. May flights of aliens sing thee to thy rest”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: HANGAR 18 (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Now, when they promised me a model sequence I was hoping for something with Kate Upton and a skipping rope.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Flight to Mars (Matthew J. Elliott, Ian Potter)
“A Plymouth Reliant shot through a chain link fence? Dial back the visual splendor please!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Time Chasers.
“Yes, the things you use to pick up dog poo is now a major motion picture.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: SUMMER SHORTS BEACH PARTY.
“Hey, I’m a reptile. Anyone know why I have breasts?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Star Raiders.
PixTrax: “‘Give me the Gabe Kaplan,’ she told her hairdresser.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Space Mutiny.
“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.
“You are a bikini bar waitress. Show some dignity!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado.
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Movie: I never saw such lazy people.
“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
“Woman, there’s another darn metal thing in the way of my hand scooping!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Samurai Cop
Movie: Feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts.
“Or my name isn’t the Dad from Alf.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Reefer Madness.
“Attention aliens, will you leave if we give you Shirley MacLaine?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space.
PixTrax: “Hey, it’s the director.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Octaman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch
Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing
“Finally, a movie about clown thermometers. Thank you.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: MST3K Reunion.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Dragon Sound and Friendship For Life” Sketch.
Kevin: Well, that’s it. I’m burning all my Beatles albums. Dragon Sound and friendship for life. Yeah!
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer
Movie: We have plans to make. The dawn comes much too soon.
PixTrax: “Chester A. Arthur ladies and gentlemen.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: House on Haunted Hill.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”
“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.
“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.
“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”
RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!
“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.
“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch
Mike: Castleton college?
“Think Manos ever hangs out with Xenu at a bar for crappy deities?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: “Manos” the Hands of Fate.
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
Riff & React: Mary Jo & Ol’ #23
Movie: Maybe some of your parents have reupholster some old furniture and they can teach us as we go?
“Is this the film where they send the dogs to the gym and cats have to stay and watch it?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: It’s a Cat’s Life.
“I don’t think we can survive on boogers.”
Riff pulled from Holiday From Rules.
“Hey, my bare boobs put you through private school.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: He Sees You When You’re Sleeping.
Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer
Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!
“Rosemary’s one flaw was her man thumb.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: Good Grooming for Girls.
“What color do I feel like pooping?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: Frances and Her Rabbit.
“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!
RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”
“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.
“Phase one: get firehouse chimp. Phase two: question mark, question mark, question mark. Phase three: a more effective fire department.”
Riff pulled RiffTrax Shorts: Chimp The Fireman.
“I think you misinterpreted my need to poop.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Children of the Bride.
“Kids love ‘Birthplace of Millard Fillmore.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care Of Things.
Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun
Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.
RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”
The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.
“All my best teachers stood six inches from my face and whispered their lessons creepily in my ear.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Retro Puppet Master.
“No doubt there’s already Rescueman-Safety Woman fanfic out there.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rescueman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Myself Being Kidnapped” Sketch
Mary Jo: You know what, I hand it to her. I personally wouldn’t want to draw attention to myself being kidnapped.
“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.
“Your name is Dog Balls McQuack?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Remember Me.
PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”
PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.
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