Sketches & Speeches: The “I Know A Girl” Sketch
Mike: I know a girl who can tie one of these with her tongue.
Category: Mike Nelson
Sketches & Speeches: The “That Is Not A Cylinder” Sketch
Kevin: Kid, it’s the narrator. I’m locked out. That is not a cylinder. Kid, let me in.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Blood Exchanger Sketch”
Bill: We have a blood exchanger?
“The beer is pumped directly into John Goodman.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: As We Like It.
Nick Nolte Moment From Arachnia
Kevin: Oh, it’s Nick Nolte’s summer place.
“‘Aqua Frolics’ from the people that brought you ‘Asphalt Antics.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Aqua Frolics.
“So, Campbell Soup is made from wood if I understand this short correctly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: American Thrift Part 2.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Alone At Home Speech”
“Alone at Home is not to be confused with Home Alone,
Nick Nolte Moment From Alien Outlaw
Bill: Nick Nolte’s mountain home.
“Merlin does it all with the help of a tongue computer and a skunk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Alias St. Nick.
“So her mom is an enthusiastic gay man. So what?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Alcohol Trigger Films.
“The depressed proboscis monkey wondered if his minstrel act was, perhaps, as offensive as the critics said.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Aesop’s Sound Fables: Frozen Frolics.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Wendall W. Wright Sketch”
Bill: Wendall W. Wright was a wise, wonderful, worthy, water-skier as well as a wanker.
PixTrax: “It just dawned on him that he has history’s worst soul patch.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: A Talking Cat!?!
“Care to grab an under done potato with me?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Carol.
“We now join Juan and the Donkey Puncher on KMEX 103.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Boy of Mexico: Juan and his Donkey.
PixTrax: “Buff Hayden Christensen.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: 1990: Bronx Warriors.
“Next week on ‘Elderly Women Rummaging Through Things.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Stitches.
“And now back to the ‘Real World: Nilbog.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Troll 2.
“‘That’s Our Bruce,’ Fridays at eight.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.
PixTrax: “We now return to ‘The Adventures of Young John Cleese.'”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Next, on ‘America’s Funniest Dimensional Transporter Bloopers.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Prisoners of the Lost Universe.
“‘Douche Bottle and Skank,’ this fall on TNT.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Laser Mission.
“Next week on ‘Law and Order: Dumpster Pusher Unit.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The House On Sorority Row.
“Tonight on ‘Law and Order: Special Outfits Unit.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Superargo and the Faceless Giants.
“Law and Order: Heavy Petting Unit.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: “MANOS” The Hands of Fate.
“Satan talks to Mona, tonight on ‘Who’s The Boss?'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark.
“Coming soon to ABC, ‘Extreme Home Invasion Makeover.’ They’re going to threaten your life and critique your wood paneling.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Samurai Cop.
“‘Cat Lover and The Software Salesman,’ this fall on the CW.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Bird Plague Movie” Sketch
Mike: I just don’t understand how we’re this far into a bird plague movie with no discussion of stock options.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Mass Solar” Sketch
Bill: About my new company, Mass Solar.
Riff & React: “Bigfoot was forced to retreat deeper into the timberlands.”
Movie: Bigfoot was forced to retreat deeper into the timberlands.
“Well, somehow the spruce bark beetles are to blame.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.
“No wait—that’s a bark beetle infestation.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Icebreaker.
“Spruce bark beetles. I’d know their foul handiwork anywhere.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Grizzly.
“Sorry, I thought I saw a spruce bark beetle.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Berserker: Hell’s Warrior.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Tree-Hugger Guy” Sketch
Bill: I hear a mountain lion.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Becky In Birdemic” Speech
Mike: Just a warning, Jack’s weeping at Julie’s grave is even more emotional than when the eagles killed Becky in Birdemic.
“This makes the Half Moon Bay Art and Pumpkin Festival look like a trip to Disneyland.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rollergator.
Riff & React: “Ten million dollars.”
Movie: Ten million dollars.
“Rest of the movie is her picking up Rod from Birdemic and comparing their Mustangs’ mpg.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Astro Zombies.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Rod From Birdemic” Sketch
Kevin: This feels like Rod Sterling should step out and do a monologue.
PixTrax: “Don’t let James Nguyen put footage of this in a terrible movie.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Psycho II.
“Rob and Nathalie had a better date at good Viet-mese restaurant.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
Sketches & Speeches: The “James Nguyen Trucker Picture” Sketch
Mike: This scene of an 18-wheeler slowly starting and pulling away guest directed by James Nguyen.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Diving Scenes’ First Cousin” Sketch
Kevin: And here comes driving scenes’ first cousin, carefully signaling and turning into a parking lot scene.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Directed By Mr. James Nguyen” Sketch
Mike: Parking scene guest directed by Mr. James Nguyen.
“‘Emergency vehicles parking,’ James Nguyen’s idea of a great disaster movie.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Hijacked Flight 285.
Sketches & Speeches: The “James Nguyen’s Taxi Driver” Sketch
Mike: James Nguyen’s Taxi Driver.
“James Nguyen waves his coat hanger as a sign of respect.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rats Night of Terror.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Our First Birdemic” Sketch
Kevin: Ot-oh, she’s going to pull a Becky on the beach.
Riff & React: “Anybody you chose.”
Movie: Anybody you chose.
Sketches & Speeches: The “If Dogs Wrote The Beatles Songs” Sketch
Bill: He’s laughing cause he remembers that great hashtag pun on Twitter last night.
Riff & React: “The other two have disappeared.”
Movie: The other two have disappeared.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Ringo’s a Chicken” Sketch
Bill: That’s my favorite Beatles movie. Yellow Submarine was too weird. What the hell is with Magical Mystery Tour?
Riff & React: “Is it possible that the man who was talking to you outside the door, came into the living room through that window?”
Movie: Is it possible that the man who was talking to you outside the door, came into the living room through that window?
“Omus’ robots. Writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear. Robots comes near.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Shape of Things To Come.
“I thought phony Beatlemania had bitten dust. Was everything The Clash taught me a lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
PixTrax: “This is The Beatles lowest moment since ‘Wild Honey Pie.'”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Terror at Tenkiller.
Riff & React: Mike & Missile to the Moon – Three Riffer Edition
Movie: It seems their troubles began about twenty years ago.
Riff & React: Mike & Kiss of the Tarantula
Movie: How can two brothers be so different?
Riff & React: Mike & The Return
Movie: I’m not used to lady scientists running through the streets of my little town.
Riff & React: Mike & Dinosaurus
Movie: I have found a caveman.
Riff & React: Mike & Ator, The Fighting Eagle
Movie: You will be mine until you have no strength left to gratify me.
Riff & React: Mike & Nightmare at Noon
Movie: I Love You.
Riff & React: Mike & Yesterday’s Target
Movie: Is there a pharmacy around here?
Riff & React: Mike & Prisoners of the Lost Universe
Movie: I thought you were about to suffer a fate worse than death.
Riff & React: Mike & “MANOS” The Hands of Fate
Movie: No matter where we go, he is with us.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Ice Cream Man
Mike: Golden Corral’s new slogan—ah dang, I can’t quite make that work.
Sketches & Speeches: The “You Golden Corralled Us” Sketch
Movie: Very close to success.
“A woman being thrown into a buffet table. If I want to see that I’ll just head to Golden Corral.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Lovely But Deadly.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Son of Sinbad
Movie: Stop feeding your ugly faces and listen to me.
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By Carnival of Souls.
Movie: It was unsanitary but delicious.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Night of the Yellow Beast
Movie: Come now, it’s good meat. Probably better than anything you ever tasted. Eat, my boy.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fever Lake
Movie: Cause what I’m about to do isn’t legal and I don’t want any witnesses.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Rats Night of Terror
Movie: Hey, food!
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served by Vengeance of the Dead
“Golden Corral’s new slogan.”
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By Yor, The Hunter From the Future
Movie: Why did you come to this land of death?
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By RiffTrax: A Talking Cat!?!
“You deserve toe-free appetizers, after the class action lawsuit–Golden Corral’s new slogan.”
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By RiffTrax: Star Games
Movie: Don’t swallow. Don’t swallow. Just chew.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Army of Ziggys Sketch”
Bill: Man, I just realized he’s making an army of Ziggys.
“Which is my favorite kidnapping in this movie–don’t make me decide.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus.
PixTrax: “Welcome back to the secret lives of rural Liberace impersonators.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
“Man, that is one messed up amphibian.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
“Mark was tragically born with the body of a shop teacher.”
Riff pulled from Christmas with RiffTrax featuring The Magic Christmas Tree.
“Is there a human who can do that? I’m not comfortable with talking rumina.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.
“Hey, tough guy. Yo, big shooter. Hey, steak escape. Ho ho, funky bunch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Night Before Christmas.
“Yep, I’d love to help, but I’m spreading leptospirosis into this water right now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
“The new Marmadukes are in. This will keep us laughing for months.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, the White Stripes babies.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
“Oh boy! I’ve always wanted a creepy bandleader who says ‘yowser. ‘”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Gifts From The Air.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis has seen better days.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Beast of the Yellow Night.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis, civil servant.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Death Promise.
PixTrax: “If you stare into it long enough you join Emerson, Lake and Palmer.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Return.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Emerson, Lake and Palmer Song Is Trying to Start Sketch”
Mike: An Emerson, Lake and Palmer song is trying to start!
“I thought phony Beatlemania had bitten the dust. Was everything The Clash taught me a lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Boys Sketch”
Mike: Maybe these are “The Boys?”
“I don’t know. This underwater stage production of The Wall just isn’t hitting home for me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
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