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…Because some Riffs have it coming!

Category: Mike Nelson

Written by RifftraxMay 14, 2020May 13, 2020

“Not to be confused with ‘Fisto Fury.’ That is some very disturbing fan fiction about Kit Fitso.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.

Written by RifftraxMay 12, 2020May 11, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Undramatic Digital Fantasy Effects Sketch”

Kevin: So, at what age do you stop being interested in really undramatic digital fantasy effects?

Written by RifftraxMay 7, 2020May 2, 2020

Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”

Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.

Written by RifftraxMay 5, 2020May 2, 2020

“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.

Written by RifftraxMay 3, 2020May 1, 2020

“This excitement is what Star Wars failed to deliver by not showing Luke picking up the power converters at Tosche Station.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Attack From Space.

Written by RifftraxMay 2, 2020May 1, 2020

PixTrax: “Welcome to Skywalker Ranch.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Alien Outlaw.

Written by RifftraxApril 30, 2020April 30, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The I’m Gonna Come Back and Haunt You, Okay? Speech”

“Ohai Mark. Hai Denny. Hai Lisa.

Written by RifftraxApril 29, 2020April 11, 2020

“Even in death he smells of expired buttermilk.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 27, 2020April 11, 2020

“I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is a dried apple in a wig.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 20, 2020April 11, 2020

“It is pretty customary to buy your mother-in-law’s friend a house.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 18, 2020April 11, 2020

“Sorry guys, I miss read the email. Thought we were meeting on the fake roof not the fake alley.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 16, 2020April 11, 2020

“Gentlemen, please. I am wearing a beanie!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 13, 2020April 16, 2020

Riff & React: “If you love me you’ll drink this.”

Movie: If you love me you’ll drink this.

Written by RifftraxApril 11, 2020April 11, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Efficient Sex Scene Sketch”

Kevin: Now, why can’t the sex scenes be that efficient?

Written by RifftraxApril 8, 2020April 2, 2020

“How did he get this rose to smell like old cat food?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 6, 2020April 2, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Poor Usher Sketch”

Mike: Man, poor usher, huh?

Written by RifftraxApril 3, 2020April 2, 2020

“As soon as I brillo off the residue of that kiss.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxMarch 31, 2020March 30, 2020

“A Joshua Tree! Look out for stray Bonos!”

First riff from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.

Written by RifftraxMarch 27, 2020March 1, 2020

“Filmark. Like Noah’s Ark if all the animals were very sick.”

First riff from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.

Written by RifftraxMarch 24, 2020March 1, 2020

“Woolner Brothers. Hey Warner Brothers, does your “w” have a really cool flame on top of it? Yeah, we didn’t think so.”

First riff from RiffTrax: Hillbillys in a Haunted House.

Written by RifftraxMarch 23, 2020March 5, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Day The First Man Sketch.”

Mike: The day Lincoln got shot.

Written by RifftraxMarch 21, 2020March 2, 2020

“You remember before Bernie Sanders, when the country was crawling with Polonia bros.”

First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders 2: Slay Bells.

Written by RifftraxMarch 20, 2020March 2, 2020

“My kids never forgive me when I bought Super Polonia Brothers for Nintendo.”

First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders.

Written by RifftraxMarch 19, 2020March 5, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Sprach Zarathustra Speech.”

Kevin: Sounds like Sprach Zarathustra.

Written by RifftraxMarch 17, 2020March 1, 2020

PixTrax: “We now take you live to the set of the seventies porn film, The Life and Times of Grizzly Ass Hams.”

First riff from RiffTrax: The Guy From Harlem.

Written by RifftraxMarch 16, 2020March 5, 2020

Sketches and Speeches: “The Jesse Ventura Sketch”

Mike: Guys, I’m not sure what’s coming but this music is getting me pretty pumped up about it.

Written by RifftraxMarch 12, 2020March 1, 2020

PixTrax: “A font that says I hate your eyes.”

First riff from RiffTrax: Frankenstein Island.

Written by RifftraxMarch 11, 2020March 5, 2020

Sketches and Speeches: “The Signal Lamp Sketch.”

Mike: A signal lamp trying to tell us something. Kevin, please decode.

Written by RifftraxMarch 9, 2020March 9, 2020

PixTrax: “We now join an Iron Butterfly video already in progress.”

The first riff from RiffTrax: Superargo and the Faceless Giants.

Written by RifftraxMarch 7, 2020March 5, 2020

Speeches & Sketches: “The Japan Sketch.”

Mike: This movie brought to you by Japan.

Written by RifftraxMarch 6, 2020February 16, 2020

“Edgewood Studios: we survived Time Chasers and Radical Jack. You think you can stop Edgewood Studios? Nothing can stop Edgewood Studios!”

The first riff from RiffTrax: Icebreaker.

Written by RifftraxMarch 4, 2020March 4, 2020

Speeches & Sketches: “The Four Seasons For Life Sketch”

Kevin: The Frankie Valli Institute!?! Ah crap, I was hoping for a sneak preview of The Jersey Boys film adaptation.

Written by RifftraxMarch 1, 2020February 15, 2020

“First, there was only darkness. Then there was synth.”

The first riff from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 28, 2020February 16, 2020

“Cause that’s what superheroes do. They remain motionless while known criminals strip off their clothes.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Ruse (Episode 11).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 26, 2020February 10, 2020

“Journal of Vicky Vale, intrepid girl reporter. As I crept toward The Harbor Club, the odors of hooliganism and loaded potato skins mingled threateningly in the air.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 23, 2020February 7, 2020

“The Macarena starts arm out palm down, Callahan. You’re off the force!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14)

Written by RifftraxFebruary 21, 2020February 7, 2020

“Batman and Robin presumed dead or squatting.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman’s Last Chance (Episode 10).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 18, 2020February 13, 2020

“I hear Batman doesn’t like green beans. You guys ever hear that?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Target Robin (Episode 6).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 16, 2020February 16, 2020

“I once broke into his garage and ate a bag of his potting soil.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman’s Last Chance (Episode 10).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 15, 2020April 20, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Much More Discrete Sketch”

Kevin: This is much more discrete then simply walking to the rendezvous point.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 14, 2020February 14, 2020

“Hand stamp undamaged—good! Sorry CBGB, The Wizard only pays one cover charge.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 13, 2020February 14, 2020

“I drank too much Moxie on the way here. I’m going to find a tinkle bush.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard’s Challenge (Episode 13).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 9, 2020February 3, 2020

“I want your insight as a dissipated gadabout.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts:  Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 8, 2020February 7, 2020

“There they go. John Goodman’s dirty undies.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Meets the Wizard! (Episode 8).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 7, 2020February 6, 2020

“I feel like even more of a douche smoking one of these and I’m already Robin.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Fatal Blast (Episode 7).

Written by RifftraxFebruary 1, 2020February 3, 2020

“First, I’m going to make Bill O’Reilly and Shaquille O’Neal kiss.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Takes Over (Episode 1).

Written by RifftraxJanuary 31, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Pirate’s World Breakup Sketch”

Kevin: So, did you have fun in the Thumbelina room?

Written by RifftraxJanuary 29, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Beach Blanket Assassins Sketch”

Mike: Frankie Avalon in Beach Blanket Assassins.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 26, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “Fred Stanford’s Truck Sketch”

Bill: They blew up Fred Stanford’s truck.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 24, 2020November 23, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: Mike Nelson’s “I Must Toil Speech”

“Sure sounds like some other kids are having fun outside, but I am one who is undeserving of fun at present. I must toil in silence, renouncing fleeting joys of this existence in favor of grander, richer pursuits that will carry me, and others, through a lifetime. Yes, I must write my Brony fan fiction.” […]

Written by RifftraxJanuary 22, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Scold the Milk Sketch”

Mike: You have greatly disappointed me, milk.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 20, 2020February 17, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Zombie Attack Sketch”

Bill: Ah, just as things are looking up for her—getting rid of a douchey husband—zombie attack. Isn’t that always the way though.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 19, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Ed McMahon Serious Threat Sketch”

Bill: These aliens move like barges. They’re too slow to be a serious threat.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 18, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Andromeda Strain/Alien Sketch”

Mike: Hey, you got your Andromeda Strain in my Alien.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 17, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The White Trash Twilight Skit”

Kevin: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan’s white trash phase…

Written by RifftraxJanuary 16, 2020November 23, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Titular Buffalo Rider Sketch”

Mike: He rides a buffalo mind you, but he’s not the titular buffalo rider. Gonna be awhile until we get to him. Bill: Ah, come on! Mike: We apologize for any inconvenience, but in the meantime, please enjoy this shot of a man sitting on a buffalo. Bill: So, this isn’t even Buffalo Jones, a […]

Written by RifftraxJanuary 15, 2020January 15, 2020

Speeches & Sketches: Mike Nelson’s “What Chekov Said Speech”

“Remember what Chekov said: ‘If you devote a good portion of Act One, talking about orange juice,

Written by RifftraxJanuary 14, 2020January 14, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Missal to the Moon Sketch”

Bill: So, um, they’re referring to a rocket, right, and not ‘missal’ as in the Catholic prayer book?

Written by RifftraxJanuary 13, 2020January 13, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”

Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?

Written by RifftraxJanuary 11, 2020December 10, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Mr. Fujiyama’s Lawn Sketch”

Mike: It appears the real criminal here is whoever is charging Mr. Fujiyama for lawn care and landscaping.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 9, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Corporate Murder Leadership Seminars Sketch”

Bill: Evil spirit’s axe focus seems inefficient. I mean had to go a long way to retrieve that axe, right? Probably passed by dozens of other perfectly good murder-implements. I’m just saying, diversify, it could be great for your growth potential.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 7, 2020January 11, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Buy You A Hamburger Sketch”

Kevin: Hey Mike, I’ll buy you a hamburger.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 5, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “My Favorite Yambaó Sketch”

Mike: Ninón Sevilla is my favorite Yambaó.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 3, 2020January 11, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”

Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?

Written by RifftraxJanuary 1, 2020December 2, 2019

Sketches & Speeches “The Swamp of Us Sketch”

Mike: Hi, we’re The Ravens. Welcome to this, the Swamp of Us. Please note we are not implying nor should you infer any ownership by us of the swamp.

Written by RifftraxDecember 31, 2019December 30, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Chinese New Year Sketch”

Mike: It’s their year of the cock celebration.

Written by RifftraxDecember 30, 2019January 2, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The We Are Destroying Sketch”

Movie: Destroy! Destroy them!

Written by RifftraxDecember 28, 2019December 27, 2019

“Beck is a drooling, nearly subhuman moron, and yet, he’s still one of the sharpest guys you’ll ever see operating a snowmobile.”

RiffTrax: Icebreaker

Written by RifftraxDecember 26, 2019December 26, 2019

RiffList: “Dave Ryder Nicknames”

Lump Drywall

Written by RifftraxDecember 25, 2019December 25, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Last Slumber Party Players Sketch”

Kevin: It was all a dream!

Written by RifftraxDecember 24, 2019November 9, 2019

“Remember when you opened the advent calendar door for Christmas Eve and inside there was a skunk operating industrial machinery?”

RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness

Written by RifftraxDecember 22, 2019November 29, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Adorable Tots Steel Cage Death Match Sketch”

Bill: It’s Lupita versus Cindy Lou Who and Zuzu Bailey in a steel cage death match. Three adorable tots enter. Only one will survive!

Written by RifftraxDecember 19, 2019November 29, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Guy from Simply Red Speech”

Kevin: On the right there, is that the guy from Simply Red?

Written by RifftraxDecember 18, 2019November 17, 2019

RiffTrax Tracks: “Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas Trees”

RiffTrax: Christmas Circus

Written by RifftraxDecember 16, 2019November 13, 2019

‘Very gradual teleportation is one of Santa’s lesser known powers.”

RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy

Written by RifftraxDecember 11, 2019December 11, 2019

“You can’t have any goose though, Tim. Just your usual cripple’s gruel.”

RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Carol (Coronet)

Written by RifftraxDecember 10, 2019November 29, 2019

Sketches and Speeches: “The 12 Days of Jack Frost Sketch”

Mike: Three meatheads staring.

Written by RifftraxDecember 9, 2019November 10, 2019

PixTrax: “Do not open reporter till Christmas.”

RiffTrax: The Dark Power

Written by RifftraxDecember 6, 2019November 9, 2019

“You have Santa’s loophole?”

RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening

Written by RifftraxDecember 4, 2019November 9, 2019

“Don’t give your elf Viagra.”

RiffTrax Shorts: The Shoemaker and the Elves

Written by RifftraxDecember 2, 2019November 9, 2019

“Sweat really pooling up around my two turtle doves if you know what I mean.”

RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Written by RifftraxDecember 1, 2019November 29, 2019

Sketches & Speeches: “The Christmas Nostalgia Sketch”

Bill: Yeah, gotta admit guys all this tender Christmas nostalgia is kinda getting to me.

Written by RifftraxNovember 30, 2019November 11, 2019

“Keep that Batman smells to your self, kids. I will not have him defamed on my sleigh!”

RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus  

Written by RifftraxNovember 23, 2019November 6, 2019

“Tell Barney Rubble his wife’s hot.”

RiffTrax Shorts: Dinosaurs

Written by RifftraxNovember 16, 2019November 5, 2019

PixTrax: “The worst day of John Stossel’s life.”

RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening

Written by RifftraxNovember 12, 2019November 5, 2019

RiffTrax Tracks: “The Plane”

RiffTrax: Contamination        

Written by RifftraxNovember 11, 2019November 5, 2019

“Stay tuned for Walter Cronkite’s erotic yoga.”

RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Getting Ready for School

Written by RifftraxNovember 9, 2019November 10, 2019

PixTrax: “The sexy side of the Three Stooges.”

RiffTrax: Swing Parade

Written by RifftraxNovember 4, 2019October 31, 2019

“You borrowed some tampons, honey? Hey, I don’t make the heavy metal rules.”

RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare

Written by RifftraxNovember 2, 2019October 30, 2019

“Stay in a tight congo line formation cadets. I don’t want any bunny hops or alley cats to catch us by surprise.”

RiffTrax: Deadly Prey

Written by RifftraxOctober 30, 2019October 30, 2019

“The very definition of horror: Jeff Foxworthy in a muumuu.”

RiffTrax: “MANOS” Hands of Fate

Written by RifftraxOctober 28, 2019August 24, 2019

“You know the Exorcist was pretty scary, but it could have used more routine auto maintenance.”

RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls

Written by RifftraxOctober 23, 2019August 24, 2019

“I sometimes forget the names of my very first cloned human beings.”

RiffTrax: Replica

Written by RifftraxOctober 16, 2019November 23, 2019

“I keep this chair in my truck in case I want to sit and enjoy a dirt pile.”

RiffTrax: Breaker! Breaker!

Written by RifftraxOctober 14, 2019October 14, 2019

“I sometimes forget the names of my very first cloned human beings.”

RiffTrax: Replica

Written by RifftraxOctober 12, 2019August 15, 2019

“Assassin’s Creed: After the Hernia.”

RiffTrax: Final Justice

Written by RifftraxOctober 10, 2019October 11, 2019

“This dimension’s theme is GeoCity’s Magic the Gathering fan page.”

RiffTrax: Merlin the Return

Written by RifftraxOctober 6, 2019October 8, 2019

“He makes Cousin Balki look like a member of Seal Team Six.”

RiffTrax: Fangs of the Living Dead

Written by RifftraxOctober 5, 2019August 15, 2019

“Some men play the ponies, Marlowe blows all his money on diaphanous gowns.”

RiffTrax: Voodoo Man

Written by RifftraxOctober 3, 2019September 10, 2019

RiffTrax Tracks: “Sponge Bath”

RiffTrax: Radical Jack

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