“Not to be confused with ‘Fisto Fury.’ That is some very disturbing fan fiction about Kit Fitso.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.
Category: Mike Nelson
Sketches & Speeches: “The Undramatic Digital Fantasy Effects Sketch”
Kevin: So, at what age do you stop being interested in really undramatic digital fantasy effects?
Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”
Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.
“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
“This excitement is what Star Wars failed to deliver by not showing Luke picking up the power converters at Tosche Station.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Attack From Space.
PixTrax: “Welcome to Skywalker Ranch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Alien Outlaw.
Sketches & Speeches: “The I’m Gonna Come Back and Haunt You, Okay? Speech”
“Ohai Mark. Hai Denny. Hai Lisa.
“Even in death he smells of expired buttermilk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is a dried apple in a wig.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“It is pretty customary to buy your mother-in-law’s friend a house.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Sorry guys, I miss read the email. Thought we were meeting on the fake roof not the fake alley.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Gentlemen, please. I am wearing a beanie!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Riff & React: “If you love me you’ll drink this.”
Movie: If you love me you’ll drink this.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Efficient Sex Scene Sketch”
Kevin: Now, why can’t the sex scenes be that efficient?
“How did he get this rose to smell like old cat food?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Poor Usher Sketch”
Mike: Man, poor usher, huh?
“As soon as I brillo off the residue of that kiss.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“A Joshua Tree! Look out for stray Bonos!”
First riff from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
“Filmark. Like Noah’s Ark if all the animals were very sick.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Woolner Brothers. Hey Warner Brothers, does your “w” have a really cool flame on top of it? Yeah, we didn’t think so.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Hillbillys in a Haunted House.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Day The First Man Sketch.”
Mike: The day Lincoln got shot.
“You remember before Bernie Sanders, when the country was crawling with Polonia bros.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
“My kids never forgive me when I bought Super Polonia Brothers for Nintendo.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Sprach Zarathustra Speech.”
Kevin: Sounds like Sprach Zarathustra.
PixTrax: “We now take you live to the set of the seventies porn film, The Life and Times of Grizzly Ass Hams.”
First riff from RiffTrax: The Guy From Harlem.
Sketches and Speeches: “The Jesse Ventura Sketch”
Mike: Guys, I’m not sure what’s coming but this music is getting me pretty pumped up about it.
PixTrax: “A font that says I hate your eyes.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Frankenstein Island.
Sketches and Speeches: “The Signal Lamp Sketch.”
Mike: A signal lamp trying to tell us something. Kevin, please decode.
PixTrax: “We now join an Iron Butterfly video already in progress.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Superargo and the Faceless Giants.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Japan Sketch.”
Mike: This movie brought to you by Japan.
“Edgewood Studios: we survived Time Chasers and Radical Jack. You think you can stop Edgewood Studios? Nothing can stop Edgewood Studios!”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Icebreaker.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Four Seasons For Life Sketch”
Kevin: The Frankie Valli Institute!?! Ah crap, I was hoping for a sneak preview of The Jersey Boys film adaptation.
“First, there was only darkness. Then there was synth.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.
“Cause that’s what superheroes do. They remain motionless while known criminals strip off their clothes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Ruse (Episode 11).
“Journal of Vicky Vale, intrepid girl reporter. As I crept toward The Harbor Club, the odors of hooliganism and loaded potato skins mingled threateningly in the air.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).
“The Macarena starts arm out palm down, Callahan. You’re off the force!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14)
“Batman and Robin presumed dead or squatting.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman’s Last Chance (Episode 10).
“I hear Batman doesn’t like green beans. You guys ever hear that?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Target Robin (Episode 6).
“I once broke into his garage and ate a bag of his potting soil.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman’s Last Chance (Episode 10).
Sketches & Speeches: “The Much More Discrete Sketch”
Kevin: This is much more discrete then simply walking to the rendezvous point.
“Hand stamp undamaged—good! Sorry CBGB, The Wizard only pays one cover charge.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14).
“I drank too much Moxie on the way here. I’m going to find a tinkle bush.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard’s Challenge (Episode 13).
“I want your insight as a dissipated gadabout.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).
“There they go. John Goodman’s dirty undies.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Meets the Wizard! (Episode 8).
“I feel like even more of a douche smoking one of these and I’m already Robin.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Fatal Blast (Episode 7).
“First, I’m going to make Bill O’Reilly and Shaquille O’Neal kiss.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Takes Over (Episode 1).
Sketches & Speeches: “The Pirate’s World Breakup Sketch”
Kevin: So, did you have fun in the Thumbelina room?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Beach Blanket Assassins Sketch”
Mike: Frankie Avalon in Beach Blanket Assassins.
Sketches & Speeches: “Fred Stanford’s Truck Sketch”
Bill: They blew up Fred Stanford’s truck.
Sketches & Speeches: Mike Nelson’s “I Must Toil Speech”
“Sure sounds like some other kids are having fun outside, but I am one who is undeserving of fun at present. I must toil in silence, renouncing fleeting joys of this existence in favor of grander, richer pursuits that will carry me, and others, through a lifetime. Yes, I must write my Brony fan fiction.” […]
Sketches & Speeches: “The Scold the Milk Sketch”
Mike: You have greatly disappointed me, milk.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Zombie Attack Sketch”
Bill: Ah, just as things are looking up for her—getting rid of a douchey husband—zombie attack. Isn’t that always the way though.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ed McMahon Serious Threat Sketch”
Bill: These aliens move like barges. They’re too slow to be a serious threat.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Andromeda Strain/Alien Sketch”
Mike: Hey, you got your Andromeda Strain in my Alien.
Sketches & Speeches: “The White Trash Twilight Skit”
Kevin: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan’s white trash phase…
Sketches & Speeches: “The Titular Buffalo Rider Sketch”
Mike: He rides a buffalo mind you, but he’s not the titular buffalo rider. Gonna be awhile until we get to him. Bill: Ah, come on! Mike: We apologize for any inconvenience, but in the meantime, please enjoy this shot of a man sitting on a buffalo. Bill: So, this isn’t even Buffalo Jones, a […]
Speeches & Sketches: Mike Nelson’s “What Chekov Said Speech”
“Remember what Chekov said: ‘If you devote a good portion of Act One, talking about orange juice,
Sketches & Speeches: “The Missal to the Moon Sketch”
Bill: So, um, they’re referring to a rocket, right, and not ‘missal’ as in the Catholic prayer book?
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Mr. Fujiyama’s Lawn Sketch”
Mike: It appears the real criminal here is whoever is charging Mr. Fujiyama for lawn care and landscaping.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Corporate Murder Leadership Seminars Sketch”
Bill: Evil spirit’s axe focus seems inefficient. I mean had to go a long way to retrieve that axe, right? Probably passed by dozens of other perfectly good murder-implements. I’m just saying, diversify, it could be great for your growth potential.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Buy You A Hamburger Sketch”
Kevin: Hey Mike, I’ll buy you a hamburger.
Sketches & Speeches: “My Favorite Yambaó Sketch”
Mike: Ninón Sevilla is my favorite Yambaó.
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches “The Swamp of Us Sketch”
Mike: Hi, we’re The Ravens. Welcome to this, the Swamp of Us. Please note we are not implying nor should you infer any ownership by us of the swamp.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Chinese New Year Sketch”
Mike: It’s their year of the cock celebration.
Sketches & Speeches: “The We Are Destroying Sketch”
Movie: Destroy! Destroy them!
RiffList: “Dave Ryder Nicknames”
Lump Drywall
Sketches & Speeches: “The Last Slumber Party Players Sketch”
Kevin: It was all a dream!
“Remember when you opened the advent calendar door for Christmas Eve and inside there was a skunk operating industrial machinery?”
RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness
Sketches & Speeches: “The Adorable Tots Steel Cage Death Match Sketch”
Bill: It’s Lupita versus Cindy Lou Who and Zuzu Bailey in a steel cage death match. Three adorable tots enter. Only one will survive!
Sketches & Speeches: “The Guy from Simply Red Speech”
Kevin: On the right there, is that the guy from Simply Red?
RiffTrax Tracks: “Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas Trees”
RiffTrax: Christmas Circus
‘Very gradual teleportation is one of Santa’s lesser known powers.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy
“You can’t have any goose though, Tim. Just your usual cripple’s gruel.”
RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Carol (Coronet)
Sketches and Speeches: “The 12 Days of Jack Frost Sketch”
Mike: Three meatheads staring.
PixTrax: “Do not open reporter till Christmas.”
RiffTrax: The Dark Power
“You have Santa’s loophole?”
RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening
“Don’t give your elf Viagra.”
RiffTrax Shorts: The Shoemaker and the Elves
“Sweat really pooling up around my two turtle doves if you know what I mean.”
RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Sketches & Speeches: “The Christmas Nostalgia Sketch”
Bill: Yeah, gotta admit guys all this tender Christmas nostalgia is kinda getting to me.
“Keep that Batman smells to your self, kids. I will not have him defamed on my sleigh!”
RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus
“Tell Barney Rubble his wife’s hot.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Dinosaurs
PixTrax: “The worst day of John Stossel’s life.”
RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening
RiffTrax Tracks: “The Plane”
RiffTrax: Contamination
“Stay tuned for Walter Cronkite’s erotic yoga.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Getting Ready for School
PixTrax: “The sexy side of the Three Stooges.”
RiffTrax: Swing Parade
“You borrowed some tampons, honey? Hey, I don’t make the heavy metal rules.”
RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare
“The very definition of horror: Jeff Foxworthy in a muumuu.”
RiffTrax: “MANOS” Hands of Fate
“You know the Exorcist was pretty scary, but it could have used more routine auto maintenance.”
RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls
“I sometimes forget the names of my very first cloned human beings.”
RiffTrax: Replica
“I keep this chair in my truck in case I want to sit and enjoy a dirt pile.”
RiffTrax: Breaker! Breaker!
“I sometimes forget the names of my very first cloned human beings.”
RiffTrax: Replica
“Assassin’s Creed: After the Hernia.”
RiffTrax: Final Justice
“This dimension’s theme is GeoCity’s Magic the Gathering fan page.”
RiffTrax: Merlin the Return
“He makes Cousin Balki look like a member of Seal Team Six.”
RiffTrax: Fangs of the Living Dead
“Some men play the ponies, Marlowe blows all his money on diaphanous gowns.”
RiffTrax: Voodoo Man
RiffTrax Tracks: “Sponge Bath”
RiffTrax: Radical Jack
