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Keep Rolling!

…Because some Riffs have it coming!

Category: Mike Nelson

Written by RifftraxJuly 6, 2022June 21, 2022

“Safer than Safeville and Safetown? You’re mad!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 1).

Written by RifftraxJuly 2, 2022June 20, 2022

“The tam o’ shanter, the haggis of the hat world.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Written by RifftraxJune 29, 2022June 20, 2022

“Ladies and gentlemen, the First Amendment as interpreted by Tito Puente.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Bill of Rights in Action.

Written by RifftraxJune 27, 2022June 20, 2022

“Guys, this has just moved into my top five, all-time, winch securing scenes.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.

Written by RifftraxJune 17, 2022June 14, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Nick Swardson” Sketch

Kevin: There’s no high hat. Where am I?

Written by RifftraxJune 14, 2022June 14, 2022

“Some kids think soccer is a sport, but police know it’s a threat to society.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Teenagers on Trial.

Written by RifftraxJune 12, 2022June 3, 2022

“She would go on to have Curly-related trauma for the rest of her adult life.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Swing Parade.

Written by RifftraxJune 10, 2022June 2, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Body Sacks” Sketch

Bill: You know Lupe, I love using burlap for my body sacks. Sturdy, yet light and breathable.

Written by RifftraxJune 7, 2022June 2, 2022

“Whoa, this is the building where George Zaloom wrote Encino Man. I’m sorry, I’m a bit of a Cino head.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.

Written by RifftraxJune 4, 2022June 1, 2022

“Let me introduce you to fat doctor. You’ll like fat doctor. Fat doctor good people.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening.

Written by RifftraxJune 3, 2022June 1, 2022

“Sorry to be so crunked on the goofballs.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Study Skills: Verbal Communication Made Easy.

Written by RifftraxJune 1, 2022May 30, 2022

“A living clown erection. Hi kids.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Story-telling: Can You Tell It In Order?

Written by RifftraxMay 28, 2022May 24, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & Starting School

Movie: She’s a ballerina. And what does she do, Pam?

Written by RifftraxMay 26, 2022May 29, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Which Brian?” Sketch

Kevin: Which Brian? I’m lost and I’m a Brian.

Written by RifftraxMay 24, 2022May 2, 2022

“After all, what’s a spunk-man without his spunk bucket?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Spunky the Snowman.

Written by RifftraxMay 20, 2022May 24, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “President Ford” Sketch

Bill: President Ford is about to speak.

Written by RifftraxMay 15, 2022March 18, 2022

“All good friendships start with the bequeathing of a shovel.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Skipper Learns a Lesson.

Written by RifftraxMay 14, 2022March 18, 2022

“Death takes a dump on us all at some point.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Six Murderous Beliefs.

Written by RifftraxMay 11, 2022March 16, 2022

“Not many people heard it, but everyone single one who did went out and wrote their own hymn about stuff being quiet.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol.

Written by RifftraxApril 29, 2022March 11, 2022

“Ahh! Bury me with my Charlene Tilton poster.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shake Hands With Danger.

Written by RifftraxApril 27, 2022May 2, 2022

“Her disgust at the currently allotted reading area fills her mouth with bile.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up a Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 21, 2022March 8, 2022

“Ding. Don’t talk to men with Bob Dylan moustaches.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Say No to Strangers.

Written by RifftraxApril 20, 2022March 8, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch

Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.

Written by RifftraxApril 15, 2022March 6, 2022

“And tea kettles are my only form of communication.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

Written by RifftraxApril 12, 2022March 4, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Narrating Another Woman” Sketch

Kevin: That night, mother found out father had been narrating another woman.

Written by RifftraxApril 11, 2022March 4, 2022

“He forgot to stay groovy and guard himself against stagflation.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety Woman: In Danger Out of Doors.

Written by RifftraxApril 5, 2022March 1, 2022

“‘Brice Mack.’ Pretty sure that’s one of the names we invented for the guy in Space Mutiny.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.

Written by RifftraxApril 2, 2022February 28, 2022

PixTrax: “The Art Garfunkel Army has finally seized power.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.

Written by RifftraxMarch 23, 2022February 26, 2022

“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.

Written by RifftraxMarch 20, 2022March 21, 2022

“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.

Written by RifftraxMarch 14, 2022February 21, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch

Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing

Written by RifftraxMarch 9, 2022February 21, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”

“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.

Written by RifftraxMarch 8, 2022February 21, 2022

“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”

Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.

Written by RifftraxMarch 7, 2022February 21, 2022

“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”

RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!

Written by RifftraxMarch 6, 2022February 21, 2022

“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.

Written by RifftraxMarch 5, 2022February 21, 2022

“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.

Written by RifftraxMarch 4, 2022March 4, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch

Mike: Castleton college?

Written by RifftraxMarch 2, 2022February 21, 2022

“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 25, 2022February 18, 2022

Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer

Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 22, 2022February 6, 2022

“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 21, 2022February 28, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”

“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 17, 2022February 6, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun

Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 16, 2022February 6, 2022

RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”

The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 12, 2022February 4, 2022

“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 10, 2022February 6, 2022

PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”

PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 9, 2022February 9, 2022

“Hun, does it ever bother you that Timmy stays in his room all day listening to Bach cantatas and crafting unspeakable automata?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rediscovery: Puppets.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 8, 2022February 4, 2022

“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”

The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 3, 2022February 4, 2022

“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror

Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 30, 2022January 27, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”

“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 28, 2022January 26, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch

Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 27, 2022January 25, 2022

“Okay class, today we’re gonna shake hands with danger.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Primary Safety: In the School Building.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 24, 2022January 22, 2022

“I wonder who said, “It’s a good shot, but I really think it could use a looming, khaki-clad ass.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Playing Together.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 18, 2022January 17, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch

Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 15, 2022January 31, 2022

Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage

Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 12, 2022January 13, 2022

“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”

Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 11, 2022January 10, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch

Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 9, 2022January 8, 2022

“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 8, 2022January 8, 2022

“The Count from Sesame Street has finally gone folk.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 7, 2022January 6, 2022

“Monkeys—always secreting hydrochloric acid.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Got Fat.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 5, 2022January 5, 2022

“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 1, 2022January 5, 2022

“For instance, my hair says that I’m a pedantic douche.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nutrition: The All-American Meal.

Written by RifftraxDecember 25, 2021February 6, 2022

“Five budget items? I have twice that many bills in mail order meat club subscriptions alone.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts: SF Sketchfest 2016.

Written by RifftraxDecember 24, 2021January 31, 2022

“This looks like something that would appear in Homer Simpson’s head when he was supposed to be reading a safety manual.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Cracker.

Written by RifftraxDecember 21, 2021December 20, 2021

“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).

Written by RifftraxDecember 17, 2021December 16, 2021

“Eat my sleigh-wash you sawed-off, little freaks. I’m going to Ibiza!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

Written by RifftraxDecember 13, 2021December 12, 2021

“I’m Wings Hauser. Red Bull gives you meeeee!!!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mutant.

Written by RifftraxDecember 7, 2021December 8, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “Doing Words” Sketch

Mike: Doing words? Oh, let’s see. Well, roast comes to mind. Also, parboil, saute, baste, marinate, and dice.

Written by RifftraxDecember 3, 2021December 2, 2021

“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon (Mike Nelson and Fred Willard edition).

Written by RifftraxNovember 30, 2021November 30, 2021

“The history of cinema has a lot of mail checking scenes, but this one is definitely the best. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say ‘the best?’ I meant the ‘longest.'”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Miami Connection.

Written by RifftraxNovember 24, 2021November 23, 2021

“Eat pigeon crap, heckler scum.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measure Metric.

Written by RifftraxNovember 20, 2021November 18, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”

Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—

Written by RifftraxNovember 13, 2021January 31, 2022

“Sun visor gun’s got nothing on ass-knife.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dangerous Men.*

Written by RifftraxNovember 11, 2021November 10, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: “The Powers of Darkness” Sketch

Mike: I summoned all the powers of darkness to bring my plush toy collection to life.

Written by RifftraxNovember 10, 2021November 9, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “Giant X” Sketch

Bill: Oh god, a giant ‘X’ from nowhere!

Written by RifftraxNovember 4, 2021November 3, 2021

“Don’t let Keith Moon drive.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Love That Car!

Written by RifftraxNovember 3, 2021November 3, 2021

Riff & React: Mike and Live and Learn

Movie: A campfire can be a lot fun, but it can also be very dangerous.

Written by RifftraxOctober 28, 2021October 27, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “Seventies Hipster” Sketch

Bill: God, a seventies hipster!

Written by RifftraxOctober 26, 2021October 27, 2021

“We now return to ‘Acid Trip Babies’ already in progress.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Pretend: Magic Sneakers.

Written by RifftraxOctober 17, 2021October 16, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech

“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,

Written by RifftraxOctober 16, 2021October 16, 2021

Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders

Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.

Written by RifftraxOctober 14, 2021October 13, 2021

“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.

Written by RifftraxOctober 12, 2021October 11, 2021

“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.

Written by RifftraxOctober 7, 2021October 6, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “Kangaroo Can’t Play Basketball” Sketch

Kevin: Wait a second. Is there a rule that says a kangaroo can’t play basketball?

Written by RifftraxOctober 6, 2021October 5, 2021

Sketches and Speeches: The “Long Walk” Speech

“It was a long walk from his death row cell to what laid waiting for him.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 30, 2021September 29, 2021

“Wearing his contempt like a badge; referring to his classmates as sheeple.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jimmy of the Safety Patrol.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 29, 2021September 28, 2021

“Well, “cool” in the sense orthopedic headgear and Ziggy comics are cool.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack-O.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 28, 2021September 28, 2021

“When you first open it, the hamster urine can be pretty powerful.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack The Giant Killer.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 14, 2021September 13, 2021

Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man

Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 9, 2021September 8, 2021

“The sadly, ironic juxtaposition you just saw in the cutaways was a lie, digitally manipulated by longtime enemies of Fred.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How Much Affection?

Written by Andy BondSeptember 8, 2021September 7, 2021

“I’d use a stud finder but I’m afraid it would just detect me.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: House on Haunted Hill.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 6, 2021September 7, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch

Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?

Written by RifftraxSeptember 1, 2021September 4, 2021

Riff & React: Mike & Health: Your Posture

Movie: You’re neat and clean and healthy looking.

Written by RifftraxAugust 31, 2021August 31, 2021

Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch

Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.

Written by RifftraxAugust 27, 2021August 26, 2021

“We can’t spare seven seconds to draw a face on the bag!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Halloween Party.

Written by RifftraxAugust 25, 2021August 24, 2021

Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly

Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.

Written by RifftraxAugust 23, 2021August 22, 2021

“This boy in his underpants, dragging a log, illustrates it well.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Health Practices.

Written by RifftraxAugust 21, 2021August 20, 2021

“Actual bears cooking porridge. Even ACI tipped their hat.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Written by RifftraxAugust 19, 2021August 18, 2021

“Ugh. Every search party has to have a dreamer.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.

Written by RifftraxAugust 11, 2021August 9, 2021

“Willie is only vaguely familiar with the construction of his most prized possession.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Getting Angry.

Written by RifftraxAugust 10, 2021August 9, 2021

“I filled a tire with pudding and set it on fire.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Get That Job.

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