“Hey, tough guy. Yo, big shooter. Hey, steak escape. Ho ho, funky bunch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Night Before Christmas.
Category: Mike Nelson
“Yep, I’d love to help, but I’m spreading leptospirosis into this water right now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
“The new Marmadukes are in. This will keep us laughing for months.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, the White Stripes babies.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
“Oh boy! I’ve always wanted a creepy bandleader who says ‘yowser. ‘”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Gifts From The Air.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis has seen better days.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Beast of the Yellow Night.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis, civil servant.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Death Promise.
PixTrax: “If you stare into it long enough you join Emerson, Lake and Palmer.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Return.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Emerson, Lake and Palmer Song Is Trying to Start Sketch”
Mike: An Emerson, Lake and Palmer song is trying to start!
“I thought phony Beatlemania had bitten the dust. Was everything The Clash taught me a lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Boys Sketch”
Mike: Maybe these are “The Boys?”
“I don’t know. This underwater stage production of The Wall just isn’t hitting home for me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
“Big missed opportunity not queuing up something off of Atom Heart Mother for this fight.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
“‘Rumours on the Street,’ Fleetwood Mac’s unfortunate attempt at a hip hop album.”
Riff Pulled from RiffTrax: Velvet Smooth.
“Okay, Fleetwood Mac rules. Everyone grab a new partner and switch beds.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Dresden 1945 Sketch”
Mike: Mmm, I guess we’re in Dresden 1945?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Are You Ready To Rock Sketch”
Kevin: Are you ready to rock?
“I feel a great disturbance in the Yambao.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yambao.
“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes–two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.
Riff & React: “There’s a force in this room.”
Movie: There’s a force in this room.
“Ah, Luke is here to free Leia and Han from—I’m kidding. It’s a barely disguised Jaime Pressly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Journey: Absolution.
“I got metachorlreians coming out of my ass, I tells ya.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Supersonic Man.
“Reno: the Tosche Station of Nevada.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“Not to be confused with ‘Fisto Fury.’ That is some very disturbing fan fiction about Kit Fitso.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Undramatic Digital Fantasy Effects Sketch”
Kevin: So, at what age do you stop being interested in really undramatic digital fantasy effects?
Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”
Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.
“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
“This excitement is what Star Wars failed to deliver by not showing Luke picking up the power converters at Tosche Station.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Attack From Space.
PixTrax: “Welcome to Skywalker Ranch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Alien Outlaw.
Sketches & Speeches: “The I’m Gonna Come Back and Haunt You, Okay? Speech”
“Ohai Mark. Hai Denny. Hai Lisa.
“Even in death he smells of expired buttermilk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is a dried apple in a wig.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“It is pretty customary to buy your mother-in-law’s friend a house.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Sorry guys, I miss read the email. Thought we were meeting on the fake roof not the fake alley.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“Gentlemen, please. I am wearing a beanie!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Riff & React: “If you love me you’ll drink this.”
Movie: If you love me you’ll drink this.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Efficient Sex Scene Sketch”
Kevin: Now, why can’t the sex scenes be that efficient?
“How did he get this rose to smell like old cat food?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Poor Usher Sketch”
Mike: Man, poor usher, huh?
“As soon as I brillo off the residue of that kiss.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.
“A Joshua Tree! Look out for stray Bonos!”
First riff from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
“Filmark. Like Noah’s Ark if all the animals were very sick.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Woolner Brothers. Hey Warner Brothers, does your “w” have a really cool flame on top of it? Yeah, we didn’t think so.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Hillbillys in a Haunted House.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Day The First Man Sketch.”
Mike: The day Lincoln got shot.
“You remember before Bernie Sanders, when the country was crawling with Polonia bros.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
“My kids never forgive me when I bought Super Polonia Brothers for Nintendo.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Sprach Zarathustra Speech.”
Kevin: Sounds like Sprach Zarathustra.
PixTrax: “We now take you live to the set of the seventies porn film, The Life and Times of Grizzly Ass Hams.”
First riff from RiffTrax: The Guy From Harlem.
Sketches and Speeches: “The Jesse Ventura Sketch”
Mike: Guys, I’m not sure what’s coming but this music is getting me pretty pumped up about it.
PixTrax: “A font that says I hate your eyes.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Frankenstein Island.
Sketches and Speeches: “The Signal Lamp Sketch.”
Mike: A signal lamp trying to tell us something. Kevin, please decode.
PixTrax: “We now join an Iron Butterfly video already in progress.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Superargo and the Faceless Giants.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Japan Sketch.”
Mike: This movie brought to you by Japan.
“Edgewood Studios: we survived Time Chasers and Radical Jack. You think you can stop Edgewood Studios? Nothing can stop Edgewood Studios!”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Icebreaker.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Four Seasons For Life Sketch”
Kevin: The Frankie Valli Institute!?! Ah crap, I was hoping for a sneak preview of The Jersey Boys film adaptation.
“First, there was only darkness. Then there was synth.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.
“Cause that’s what superheroes do. They remain motionless while known criminals strip off their clothes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Ruse (Episode 11).
“Journal of Vicky Vale, intrepid girl reporter. As I crept toward The Harbor Club, the odors of hooliganism and loaded potato skins mingled threateningly in the air.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).
“The Macarena starts arm out palm down, Callahan. You’re off the force!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14)
“Batman and Robin presumed dead or squatting.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman’s Last Chance (Episode 10).
“I hear Batman doesn’t like green beans. You guys ever hear that?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Target Robin (Episode 6).
“I once broke into his garage and ate a bag of his potting soil.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman’s Last Chance (Episode 10).
Sketches & Speeches: “The Much More Discrete Sketch”
Kevin: This is much more discrete then simply walking to the rendezvous point.
“Hand stamp undamaged—good! Sorry CBGB, The Wizard only pays one cover charge.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14).
“I drank too much Moxie on the way here. I’m going to find a tinkle bush.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard’s Challenge (Episode 13).
“I want your insight as a dissipated gadabout.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).
“There they go. John Goodman’s dirty undies.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Meets the Wizard! (Episode 8).
“I feel like even more of a douche smoking one of these and I’m already Robin.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Fatal Blast (Episode 7).
“First, I’m going to make Bill O’Reilly and Shaquille O’Neal kiss.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Takes Over (Episode 1).
Sketches & Speeches: “The Pirate’s World Breakup Sketch”
Kevin: So, did you have fun in the Thumbelina room?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Beach Blanket Assassins Sketch”
Mike: Frankie Avalon in Beach Blanket Assassins.
Sketches & Speeches: “Fred Stanford’s Truck Sketch”
Bill: They blew up Fred Stanford’s truck.
Sketches & Speeches: Mike Nelson’s “I Must Toil Speech”
“Sure sounds like some other kids are having fun outside, but I am one who is undeserving of fun at present. I must toil in silence, renouncing fleeting joys of this existence in favor of grander, richer pursuits that will carry me, and others, through a lifetime. Yes, I must write my Brony fan fiction.” […]
Sketches & Speeches: “The Scold the Milk Sketch”
Mike: You have greatly disappointed me, milk.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Zombie Attack Sketch”
Bill: Ah, just as things are looking up for her—getting rid of a douchey husband—zombie attack. Isn’t that always the way though.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ed McMahon Serious Threat Sketch”
Bill: These aliens move like barges. They’re too slow to be a serious threat.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Andromeda Strain/Alien Sketch”
Mike: Hey, you got your Andromeda Strain in my Alien.
Sketches & Speeches: “The White Trash Twilight Skit”
Kevin: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan’s white trash phase…
Sketches & Speeches: “The Titular Buffalo Rider Sketch”
Mike: He rides a buffalo mind you, but he’s not the titular buffalo rider. Gonna be awhile until we get to him. Bill: Ah, come on! Mike: We apologize for any inconvenience, but in the meantime, please enjoy this shot of a man sitting on a buffalo. Bill: So, this isn’t even Buffalo Jones, a […]
Speeches & Sketches: Mike Nelson’s “What Chekov Said Speech”
“Remember what Chekov said: ‘If you devote a good portion of Act One, talking about orange juice,
Sketches & Speeches: “The Missal to the Moon Sketch”
Bill: So, um, they’re referring to a rocket, right, and not ‘missal’ as in the Catholic prayer book?
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Mr. Fujiyama’s Lawn Sketch”
Mike: It appears the real criminal here is whoever is charging Mr. Fujiyama for lawn care and landscaping.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Corporate Murder Leadership Seminars Sketch”
Bill: Evil spirit’s axe focus seems inefficient. I mean had to go a long way to retrieve that axe, right? Probably passed by dozens of other perfectly good murder-implements. I’m just saying, diversify, it could be great for your growth potential.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Buy You A Hamburger Sketch”
Kevin: Hey Mike, I’ll buy you a hamburger.
Sketches & Speeches: “My Favorite Yambaó Sketch”
Mike: Ninón Sevilla is my favorite Yambaó.
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches “The Swamp of Us Sketch”
Mike: Hi, we’re The Ravens. Welcome to this, the Swamp of Us. Please note we are not implying nor should you infer any ownership by us of the swamp.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Chinese New Year Sketch”
Mike: It’s their year of the cock celebration.
Sketches & Speeches: “The We Are Destroying Sketch”
Movie: Destroy! Destroy them!
RiffList: “Dave Ryder Nicknames”
Lump Drywall
Sketches & Speeches: “The Last Slumber Party Players Sketch”
Kevin: It was all a dream!
“Remember when you opened the advent calendar door for Christmas Eve and inside there was a skunk operating industrial machinery?”
RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness
Sketches & Speeches: “The Adorable Tots Steel Cage Death Match Sketch”
Bill: It’s Lupita versus Cindy Lou Who and Zuzu Bailey in a steel cage death match. Three adorable tots enter. Only one will survive!
Sketches & Speeches: “The Guy from Simply Red Speech”
Kevin: On the right there, is that the guy from Simply Red?
RiffTrax Tracks: “Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas Trees”
RiffTrax: Christmas Circus
‘Very gradual teleportation is one of Santa’s lesser known powers.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy
“You can’t have any goose though, Tim. Just your usual cripple’s gruel.”
RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Carol (Coronet)
