Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man
Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.
Category: Mike Nelson
“The sadly, ironic juxtaposition you just saw in the cutaways was a lie, digitally manipulated by longtime enemies of Fred.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How Much Affection?
“I’d use a stud finder but I’m afraid it would just detect me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: House on Haunted Hill.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch
Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?
Riff & React: Mike & Health: Your Posture
Movie: You’re neat and clean and healthy looking.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch
Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.
“We can’t spare seven seconds to draw a face on the bag!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Halloween Party.
Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly
Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.
“This boy in his underpants, dragging a log, illustrates it well.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Health Practices.
“Actual bears cooking porridge. Even ACI tipped their hat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
“Ugh. Every search party has to have a dreamer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“Willie is only vaguely familiar with the construction of his most prized possession.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Getting Angry.
“I filled a tire with pudding and set it on fire.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Get That Job.
“The smell of manure is traded for the stench of human depravity.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Geography of Your Community.
“Good, our new copy of ‘Hideous 80s Couples in Wretched Ugly Kitchens Monthly’ is here.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Zone.
“Give me a good beer-belly beer. I gotta maintain.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Force.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Fungicide” Sketch
Bill: Fungicide: Life on the Streets.
“Ah yes, Moon Land. Great country before it got bombed back into the stone age in the third Balloon Land War.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fun In Balloon Land.
Sketches & Speeches: The “It’s A Thing With Stuff” Sketch
Kevin: It’s a thing with stuff.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Estonia” Sketch
Kevin: What do we want?
“Stupid non-Wings Hauser actor. Why aren’t you Wings Hauser? God, I miss Wings Hauser. Now, that man can microwave a croissant.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fever Lake.
“I’m disappointed with your first quarter sales report, Thompson.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Feelings: I’m Feeling Alone.
“The art department nailed what I thought her closet would look like.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Feeders.
Nick Nolte Moment From Fears Of Children
Bill: Oh hey, Mr. Nolte.
“Mom knew I despised crockery of any kind.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Family Teamwork.
“Cheerios, the Josh Groban of breakfast cereals.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Families: Food and Eating.
PixTrax: “Stand on the right if you’re fabulous!”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Families: Earning and Spending.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Guy From That Terrible Star Trek Movie” Sketch
Bill: Help! That guy from that terrible Star Trek movie is grabbing us.
“Never take dietary advice from a man whose head looks like a boiled onion.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Fad Diet Circus.
“Yeah, I studied clarinet at Berkeley. Punched my conductor once. Now, I’m doing egg council shorts.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Eggs To Market.
“Does he do his homework and then listen to baseball on the radio? Or does he smear peanut butter on his chest and snort frozen peas?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Each Child is Different.
“Or to put it simply, draw one side of a square a bunch of times.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Drawing for Beginners: The Square.
Riff & React: Mike & Dinosaurs: The Age of the Terrible Lizard
Movie: They were reptiles and they were hatched from eggs.
“Okay fruit, prepare to be looked at by a real pro.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Dining Together.
PixTrax: “A young Rachel Maddow looks perplexed.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Decisions Decisions.
“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: December Holidays.
“‘Action International,’ parent company to ‘Romantic Comedy Regional.'”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Deadly Prey.
“My hand! I needed that to feel up 7 of 9.”
Star Trek Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dark Future.
“If I was homeless, I’d definitely urinate here!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Shorts: Danger Keep Out!
PixTrax: “They’ve found a Metroid save point.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Cyborg Cop 2.
RiffTrax Tracks: County Fair Super Mix
RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: County Fair.
“Got a tartare of ear shell clams on two, make the Chateaubriand walk, and give the panna cotta wings!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cooks and Chefs.
“Tim is easily surprised by batter textures. It’s an endearing quirk of his.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cooking Terms.
“Ah, urinals and comic sans. Together at last.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Color It Clean.
“You know, when you think about it, there’s almost a certain logic to it that people associate coffee houses with coffee.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Coffeehouse Rendezvous.
“The doughnuts give me the husky energy I need.”
Riff pulled from Christmas with RiffTrax featuring Magic Christmas Tree.
“Is dad a retired stooge or something?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Toyshop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Not He-Man” Sketch
Bill: Now, which one these figures is Stinkor, the Evil Master of Odors?
Sketches & Speeches: The “Discussing Watchmen” Speech
“No, see, I have to agree with Alan Moore that the whole Before Watchmen thing is shameless.
“He was kinda the Pete Best of the group.”
The Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Charade.
“These two can’t stand each other, but they put it aside for the love of the dredging.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Carnival of Souls.
PixTrax: “Suddenly, out of nowhere, Duane Allman appeared.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Buffalo Rider.
“The worst complaint of all is Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo wasn’t long enough.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Breaker! Breaker!
PixTrax: “Alright, first off let me just explain how I got Timothy B. Schmidt’s hair.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
“Billy is overcome with ennui at observing the mediocrity of his own neighborhood from above.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Billy’s Helicopter Ride.
PixTrax: “Reggie’s a cross between Milhouse and Ralph Wiggum.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care Of Your Own Things.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Emperor Palpatine In Drag” Sketch
Kevin: Think the kid knows his mom is Emperor Palpatine in drag?
Sketches & Speeches: The “Living Post Apocalypse” Sketch
Mike: The upside to living post apocalypse? No Rachel Ray.
“Sam Katzman, wildly considered the Orson Wells of stories about diamond powered, remote controlled, magnetic, science weapons.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).
“Keep Rolling!” From RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Wild Ride (Episode 3)
Mike: ‘Snap.’ Oh god, my ankle! Guys, we have to stop.
“Cause that’s what superheroes do. They remain motionless while known criminals strip off their clothes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Ruse (Episode 11).
“Batman and Robin, the second worst serial after Apple Jacks.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Rescues Batman (Episode 5).
“You’re always on the bat rag.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Meets the Wizard! (Episode 8).
“It’s as I feared, my bat sperm are few and sluggish.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14).
“Wait a minute. Zuromski worked on this? Well, if you have to watch a ‘Daily Problems’ short it may as well be a Zuromski.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems.
“I prefer the term ‘de-oinkify.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Back to School with Joan Miller.
“I know we’re under siege guys, but you still got to get your Q/A audits done by six.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Attack From Space.
“Line your garbage with other garbage to create future garbage. It’s the circle of trash.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts Live!: At Your Fingertips: Sugar and Spice.
“All the young bagel heads are doing it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: At Your Fingertips: Play Clay.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I Know A Girl” Sketch
Mike: I know a girl who can tie one of these with her tongue.
Sketches & Speeches: The “That Is Not A Cylinder” Sketch
Kevin: Kid, it’s the narrator. I’m locked out. That is not a cylinder. Kid, let me in.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Blood Exchanger Sketch”
Bill: We have a blood exchanger?
“The beer is pumped directly into John Goodman.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: As We Like It.
Nick Nolte Moment From Arachnia
Kevin: Oh, it’s Nick Nolte’s summer place.
“‘Aqua Frolics’ from the people that brought you ‘Asphalt Antics.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Aqua Frolics.
“So, Campbell Soup is made from wood if I understand this short correctly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: American Thrift Part 2.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Alone At Home Speech”
“Alone at Home is not to be confused with Home Alone,
Nick Nolte Moment From Alien Outlaw
Bill: Nick Nolte’s mountain home.
“Merlin does it all with the help of a tongue computer and a skunk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Alias St. Nick.
“So her mom is an enthusiastic gay man. So what?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Alcohol Trigger Films.
“The depressed proboscis monkey wondered if his minstrel act was, perhaps, as offensive as the critics said.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Aesop’s Sound Fables: Frozen Frolics.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Wendall W. Wright Sketch”
Bill: Wendall W. Wright was a wise, wonderful, worthy, water-skier as well as a wanker.
PixTrax: “It just dawned on him that he has history’s worst soul patch.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: A Talking Cat!?!
“Care to grab an under done potato with me?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Carol.
“We now join Juan and the Donkey Puncher on KMEX 103.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Boy of Mexico: Juan and his Donkey.
PixTrax: “Buff Hayden Christensen.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: 1990: Bronx Warriors.
“Next week on ‘Elderly Women Rummaging Through Things.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Stitches.
“And now back to the ‘Real World: Nilbog.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Troll 2.
“‘That’s Our Bruce,’ Fridays at eight.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.
PixTrax: “We now return to ‘The Adventures of Young John Cleese.'”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Next, on ‘America’s Funniest Dimensional Transporter Bloopers.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Prisoners of the Lost Universe.
“‘Douche Bottle and Skank,’ this fall on TNT.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Laser Mission.
“Next week on ‘Law and Order: Dumpster Pusher Unit.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The House On Sorority Row.
“Tonight on ‘Law and Order: Special Outfits Unit.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Superargo and the Faceless Giants.
“Law and Order: Heavy Petting Unit.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: “MANOS” The Hands of Fate.
“Satan talks to Mona, tonight on ‘Who’s The Boss?'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark.
“Coming soon to ABC, ‘Extreme Home Invasion Makeover.’ They’re going to threaten your life and critique your wood paneling.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Samurai Cop.
“‘Cat Lover and The Software Salesman,’ this fall on the CW.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Bird Plague Movie” Sketch
Mike: I just don’t understand how we’re this far into a bird plague movie with no discussion of stock options.
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