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Keep Rolling!

…Because some Riffs have it coming!

Category: Mike Nelson

Written by RifftraxDecember 4, 2022December 2, 2022

“Find your own bovine teat to suckle.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Wing, Claw and Fang!

Written by RifftraxNovember 29, 2022December 1, 2022

“Please, I need an answer or the Diary Council is going to take my thumbs.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Why Doesn’t Cathy Eat Breakfast?/Petaluma Chicken.

Written by RifftraxNovember 25, 2022November 29, 2022

“Now we’re going to see the horror movie trope where the cat jumps out, scares Charles Durning, and he eats it.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: When a Stranger Calls Back.

Written by RifftraxNovember 18, 2022November 29, 2022

“Alert, plainclothes Cub Scouts wrestle the squirt gun away from the would-be assailant.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: What it Means to be an American (Part 1).

Written by RifftraxNovember 17, 2022November 29, 2022

“I hope the nothingness consumes us after Sesame Street.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: What is Nothing?

Written by RifftraxNovember 15, 2022November 29, 2022

“We have a lot of red stuff if you’re into that. You like red stuff?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: What If We Had a Fire?

Written by RifftraxNovember 8, 2022November 29, 2022

“Jim, you are not a licensed narrator.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: We Discover the Dictionary.

Written by RifftraxNovember 2, 2022November 12, 2022

“Yes, all around the world people travel by stereotype.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Walking to School.

Written by RifftraxOctober 31, 2022November 12, 2022

“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes, two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”

Star Wars Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.

Written by RifftraxOctober 27, 2022October 26, 2022

Riff & React: Kevin & Mike & Vengeance of the Dead

Movie: I figure I’ll bring back a pizza for supper.

Written by RifftraxOctober 25, 2022October 26, 2022

“It’s practically begging us to lick it.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Values: Understanding Ourselves.

Written by RifftraxOctober 24, 2022October 26, 2022

“His diverse business and charity interests require top-notch fiduciary oversight from qualified peers.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Values: The Right Thing to Do.

Written by RifftraxOctober 21, 2022October 19, 2022

“Speaking of mistakes, I went hard on the seven-layer dip. I’m going to go wreck the billionaires’ men’s room.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business.

Written by RifftraxOctober 15, 2022October 18, 2022

“Man can you wreck a can. Whoa. The waft just hit me.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Trucker’s Woman.

Written by RifftraxOctober 13, 2022October 13, 2022

“And if I do this, I’ll magically like NASCAR?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Troll 2.

Written by RifftraxOctober 10, 2022October 7, 2022

“Okay, then. To prove a point, I’m going to release 10,000 Africanized killer bees into the room.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Toward Emotional Maturity.

Written by RifftraxOctober 7, 2022October 5, 2022

“He’s been weird ever since those chimps tossed him.”

Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 5: Animals Behaving Badly

Written by RifftraxOctober 3, 2022October 3, 2022

“In short, the Shrimp-pocalypse is nigh. Weak humans bow before your new crustacean masters.”

Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 1: Killer Shrimp N’ Friends

Written by RifftraxSeptember 25, 2022September 24, 2022

“Careful, handling oblong tins can lead to picnic boning.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: This is Hormel.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 21, 2022September 20, 2022

“You know what they say, you’re never truly broke if you have rage.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Wizard.

Written by Andy BondSeptember 20, 2022September 20, 2022

“Think of it as nature’s Pepsi.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Water We Drink.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 13, 2022September 15, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & The Toy Maker

Movie: I want to tell you a story about two puppets I made.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 10, 2022August 10, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Talking Cat!?!” Sketch

Kevin: The talking cat!?!

Written by RifftraxSeptember 6, 2022August 10, 2022

“Nerd Defender, this fall on CBS.”

Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 4, 2022August 10, 2022

“Eat a fish, pull your beard, laugh about it—all classic snowman stuff!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Snowman.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 2, 2022August 10, 2022

“I like my ‘five-tini’ up, with an olive, no elf.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Shoemaker and the Elves.

Written by RifftraxSeptember 1, 2022August 10, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Who’s Your Favorite Character So Far” Sketch

Bill: So, who’s your favorite character so far?

Written by RifftraxAugust 30, 2022August 1, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & The Return

Movie: I’m not used to lady scientists running through the streets of my little town.

Written by RifftraxAugust 25, 2022August 1, 2022

“Better not be any kids here messing around with ouija boards, spirit summoning, automatic writing, catalepsy, divination, levitation, parakinesis, precognition, or xenoglossy!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Power.

Written by RifftraxAugust 21, 2022July 31, 2022

“A common Transylvanian food that may be killing you. We’ll have the full story at ten.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Night That Dracula Saved The World.

Written by RifftraxAugust 19, 2022August 18, 2022

“The human is my lunch, Brad.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: The Return of Swamp Thing.

Written by RifftraxAugust 15, 2022July 27, 2022

“She could tell the skeleton belonged to a white person by The Decemberists ticket in its pocket.”

Rock ‘n’ Riffs pulled from RiffTrax: The Minion.

Written by RifftraxAugust 11, 2022August 2, 2022

“I love stuff from other people’s mouths.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Magic Shop.

Written by RifftraxAugust 10, 2022July 24, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Piltdown Man” Sketch

Mike: Whoa, he went there.

Written by RifftraxAugust 7, 2022July 21, 2022

“If there’s only one collaborator, who’d she collaborate with?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Lemonade Stand: What’s Fair?

Written by RifftraxAugust 4, 2022July 21, 2022

“Shoes on the couch. Well, I guess it really is the apocalypse.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Man on Earth.

Written by RifftraxJuly 29, 2022July 21, 2022

PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, even Cheaper Trick.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The House on Sorority Row.

Written by RifftraxJuly 25, 2022July 18, 2022

“I’ve seen enough tortoise ass to last a lifetime.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Hare & The Tortoise.

Written by RifftraxJuly 18, 2022July 14, 2022

“I hope this doesn’t sound culturally insensitive, but your religion eats.”

Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Wild Women of Wongo.

Written by RifftraxJuly 17, 2022July 14, 2022

“Probably shouldn’t poop here. That would be a pretty big clue.”

Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Killers from Space.

Written by RifftraxJuly 15, 2022July 14, 2022

“Yes, sir. This is what I do it for. To be lifted and caressed by other bediapered men.”

Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Giant of Marathon.

Written by RifftraxJuly 14, 2022July 12, 2022

“Finally, a cult where fat guys can sway all they want.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Devil’s Hand.

Written by RifftraxJuly 11, 2022July 11, 2022

“Alyson Hannigan in American Pie 22: Septuagenarian Antics.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark.

Written by RifftraxJuly 6, 2022June 21, 2022

“Safer than Safeville and Safetown? You’re mad!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 1).

Written by RifftraxJuly 2, 2022June 20, 2022

“The tam o’ shanter, the haggis of the hat world.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Written by RifftraxJune 29, 2022June 20, 2022

“Ladies and gentlemen, the First Amendment as interpreted by Tito Puente.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Bill of Rights in Action.

Written by RifftraxJune 27, 2022June 20, 2022

“Guys, this has just moved into my top five, all-time, winch securing scenes.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.

Written by RifftraxJune 17, 2022June 14, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Nick Swardson” Sketch

Kevin: There’s no high hat. Where am I?

Written by RifftraxJune 14, 2022June 14, 2022

“Some kids think soccer is a sport, but police know it’s a threat to society.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Teenagers on Trial.

Written by RifftraxJune 12, 2022June 3, 2022

“She would go on to have Curly-related trauma for the rest of her adult life.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Swing Parade.

Written by RifftraxJune 10, 2022June 2, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Body Sacks” Sketch

Bill: You know Lupe, I love using burlap for my body sacks. Sturdy, yet light and breathable.

Written by RifftraxJune 7, 2022June 2, 2022

“Whoa, this is the building where George Zaloom wrote Encino Man. I’m sorry, I’m a bit of a Cino head.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.

Written by RifftraxJune 4, 2022June 1, 2022

“Let me introduce you to fat doctor. You’ll like fat doctor. Fat doctor good people.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening.

Written by RifftraxJune 3, 2022June 1, 2022

“Sorry to be so crunked on the goofballs.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Study Skills: Verbal Communication Made Easy.

Written by RifftraxJune 1, 2022May 30, 2022

“A living clown erection. Hi kids.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Story-telling: Can You Tell It In Order?

Written by RifftraxMay 28, 2022May 24, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & Starting School

Movie: She’s a ballerina. And what does she do, Pam?

Written by RifftraxMay 26, 2022May 29, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Which Brian?” Sketch

Kevin: Which Brian? I’m lost and I’m a Brian.

Written by RifftraxMay 24, 2022May 2, 2022

“After all, what’s a spunk-man without his spunk bucket?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Spunky the Snowman.

Written by RifftraxMay 20, 2022May 24, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “President Ford” Sketch

Bill: President Ford is about to speak.

Written by RifftraxMay 15, 2022March 18, 2022

“All good friendships start with the bequeathing of a shovel.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Skipper Learns a Lesson.

Written by RifftraxMay 14, 2022March 18, 2022

“Death takes a dump on us all at some point.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Six Murderous Beliefs.

Written by RifftraxMay 11, 2022March 16, 2022

“Not many people heard it, but everyone single one who did went out and wrote their own hymn about stuff being quiet.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol.

Written by RifftraxApril 29, 2022March 11, 2022

“Ahh! Bury me with my Charlene Tilton poster.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shake Hands With Danger.

Written by RifftraxApril 27, 2022May 2, 2022

“Her disgust at the currently allotted reading area fills her mouth with bile.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up a Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 21, 2022March 8, 2022

“Ding. Don’t talk to men with Bob Dylan moustaches.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Say No to Strangers.

Written by RifftraxApril 20, 2022March 8, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch

Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.

Written by RifftraxApril 15, 2022March 6, 2022

“And tea kettles are my only form of communication.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

Written by RifftraxApril 12, 2022March 4, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Narrating Another Woman” Sketch

Kevin: That night, mother found out father had been narrating another woman.

Written by RifftraxApril 11, 2022March 4, 2022

“He forgot to stay groovy and guard himself against stagflation.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety Woman: In Danger Out of Doors.

Written by RifftraxApril 5, 2022March 1, 2022

“‘Brice Mack.’ Pretty sure that’s one of the names we invented for the guy in Space Mutiny.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.

Written by RifftraxApril 2, 2022February 28, 2022

PixTrax: “The Art Garfunkel Army has finally seized power.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.

Written by RifftraxMarch 23, 2022February 26, 2022

“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.

Written by RifftraxMarch 20, 2022March 21, 2022

“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.

Written by RifftraxMarch 14, 2022February 21, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch

Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing

Written by RifftraxMarch 9, 2022February 21, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”

“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.

Written by RifftraxMarch 8, 2022February 21, 2022

“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”

Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.

Written by RifftraxMarch 7, 2022February 21, 2022

“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”

RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!

Written by RifftraxMarch 6, 2022February 21, 2022

“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.

Written by RifftraxMarch 5, 2022February 21, 2022

“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.

Written by RifftraxMarch 4, 2022March 4, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch

Mike: Castleton college?

Written by RifftraxMarch 2, 2022February 21, 2022

“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 25, 2022February 18, 2022

Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer

Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 22, 2022February 6, 2022

“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 21, 2022February 28, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”

“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 17, 2022February 6, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun

Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 16, 2022February 6, 2022

RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”

The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 12, 2022February 4, 2022

“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 10, 2022February 6, 2022

PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”

PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 9, 2022February 9, 2022

“Hun, does it ever bother you that Timmy stays in his room all day listening to Bach cantatas and crafting unspeakable automata?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rediscovery: Puppets.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 8, 2022February 4, 2022

“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”

The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 3, 2022February 4, 2022

“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror

Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 30, 2022January 27, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”

“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 28, 2022January 26, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch

Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 27, 2022January 25, 2022

“Okay class, today we’re gonna shake hands with danger.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Primary Safety: In the School Building.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 24, 2022January 22, 2022

“I wonder who said, “It’s a good shot, but I really think it could use a looming, khaki-clad ass.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Playing Together.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 18, 2022January 17, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch

Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 15, 2022January 31, 2022

Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage

Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 12, 2022January 13, 2022

“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”

Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 11, 2022January 10, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch

Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 9, 2022January 8, 2022

“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.

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