“Safer than Safeville and Safetown? You’re mad!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 1).
Category: Mike Nelson
“The tam o’ shanter, the haggis of the hat world.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the First Amendment as interpreted by Tito Puente.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Bill of Rights in Action.
“Guys, this has just moved into my top five, all-time, winch securing scenes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Nick Swardson” Sketch
Kevin: There’s no high hat. Where am I?
“Some kids think soccer is a sport, but police know it’s a threat to society.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Teenagers on Trial.
“She would go on to have Curly-related trauma for the rest of her adult life.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Swing Parade.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Body Sacks” Sketch
Bill: You know Lupe, I love using burlap for my body sacks. Sturdy, yet light and breathable.
“Whoa, this is the building where George Zaloom wrote Encino Man. I’m sorry, I’m a bit of a Cino head.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.
“Let me introduce you to fat doctor. You’ll like fat doctor. Fat doctor good people.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening.
“Sorry to be so crunked on the goofballs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Study Skills: Verbal Communication Made Easy.
“A living clown erection. Hi kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Story-telling: Can You Tell It In Order?
Riff & React: Mike & Starting School
Movie: She’s a ballerina. And what does she do, Pam?
Sketches & Speeches: The “Which Brian?” Sketch
Kevin: Which Brian? I’m lost and I’m a Brian.
“After all, what’s a spunk-man without his spunk bucket?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Spunky the Snowman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “President Ford” Sketch
Bill: President Ford is about to speak.
“All good friendships start with the bequeathing of a shovel.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Skipper Learns a Lesson.
“Death takes a dump on us all at some point.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Six Murderous Beliefs.
“Not many people heard it, but everyone single one who did went out and wrote their own hymn about stuff being quiet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol.
“Ahh! Bury me with my Charlene Tilton poster.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shake Hands With Danger.
“Her disgust at the currently allotted reading area fills her mouth with bile.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up a Room.
“Ding. Don’t talk to men with Bob Dylan moustaches.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Say No to Strangers.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch
Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.
“And tea kettles are my only form of communication.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Narrating Another Woman” Sketch
Kevin: That night, mother found out father had been narrating another woman.
“He forgot to stay groovy and guard himself against stagflation.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety Woman: In Danger Out of Doors.
“‘Brice Mack.’ Pretty sure that’s one of the names we invented for the guy in Space Mutiny.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
PixTrax: “The Art Garfunkel Army has finally seized power.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.
“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch
Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing
RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”
“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.
“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.
“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”
RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!
“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.
“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch
Mike: Castleton college?
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer
Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!
“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!
RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”
“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.
Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun
Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.
RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”
The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.
“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.
PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”
PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.
“Hun, does it ever bother you that Timmy stays in his room all day listening to Bach cantatas and crafting unspeakable automata?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rediscovery: Puppets.
“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.
“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror
Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”
“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch
Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.
“Okay class, today we’re gonna shake hands with danger.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Primary Safety: In the School Building.
“I wonder who said, “It’s a good shot, but I really think it could use a looming, khaki-clad ass.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Playing Together.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage
Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.
“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch
Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.
“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.
“The Count from Sesame Street has finally gone folk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey.
“Monkeys—always secreting hydrochloric acid.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Got Fat.
“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.
“For instance, my hair says that I’m a pedantic douche.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nutrition: The All-American Meal.
“Five budget items? I have twice that many bills in mail order meat club subscriptions alone.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts: SF Sketchfest 2016.
“This looks like something that would appear in Homer Simpson’s head when he was supposed to be reading a safety manual.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Cracker.
“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).
“Eat my sleigh-wash you sawed-off, little freaks. I’m going to Ibiza!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.
“I’m Wings Hauser. Red Bull gives you meeeee!!!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mutant.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Doing Words” Sketch
Mike: Doing words? Oh, let’s see. Well, roast comes to mind. Also, parboil, saute, baste, marinate, and dice.
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon (Mike Nelson and Fred Willard edition).
“The history of cinema has a lot of mail checking scenes, but this one is definitely the best. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say ‘the best?’ I meant the ‘longest.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Miami Connection.
“Eat pigeon crap, heckler scum.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measure Metric.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”
Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—
“Sun visor gun’s got nothing on ass-knife.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dangerous Men.*
Sketches & Speeches: “The Powers of Darkness” Sketch
Mike: I summoned all the powers of darkness to bring my plush toy collection to life.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Giant X” Sketch
Bill: Oh god, a giant ‘X’ from nowhere!
“Don’t let Keith Moon drive.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Love That Car!
Riff & React: Mike and Live and Learn
Movie: A campfire can be a lot fun, but it can also be very dangerous.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Seventies Hipster” Sketch
Bill: God, a seventies hipster!
“We now return to ‘Acid Trip Babies’ already in progress.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Pretend: Magic Sneakers.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech
“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,
Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders
Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.
“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Kangaroo Can’t Play Basketball” Sketch
Kevin: Wait a second. Is there a rule that says a kangaroo can’t play basketball?
Sketches and Speeches: The “Long Walk” Speech
“It was a long walk from his death row cell to what laid waiting for him.
“Wearing his contempt like a badge; referring to his classmates as sheeple.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jimmy of the Safety Patrol.
“Well, “cool” in the sense orthopedic headgear and Ziggy comics are cool.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack-O.
“When you first open it, the hamster urine can be pretty powerful.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack The Giant Killer.
Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man
Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.
“The sadly, ironic juxtaposition you just saw in the cutaways was a lie, digitally manipulated by longtime enemies of Fred.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How Much Affection?
“I’d use a stud finder but I’m afraid it would just detect me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: House on Haunted Hill.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch
Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?
Riff & React: Mike & Health: Your Posture
Movie: You’re neat and clean and healthy looking.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch
Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.
“We can’t spare seven seconds to draw a face on the bag!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Halloween Party.
Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly
Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.
“This boy in his underpants, dragging a log, illustrates it well.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Health Practices.
“Actual bears cooking porridge. Even ACI tipped their hat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
“Ugh. Every search party has to have a dreamer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“Willie is only vaguely familiar with the construction of his most prized possession.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Getting Angry.
“I filled a tire with pudding and set it on fire.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Get That Job.
Keep Rolling! 
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