“Find your own bovine teat to suckle.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Wing, Claw and Fang!
Category: Mike Nelson
“Please, I need an answer or the Diary Council is going to take my thumbs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Why Doesn’t Cathy Eat Breakfast?/Petaluma Chicken.
“Now we’re going to see the horror movie trope where the cat jumps out, scares Charles Durning, and he eats it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: When a Stranger Calls Back.
“Alert, plainclothes Cub Scouts wrestle the squirt gun away from the would-be assailant.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: What it Means to be an American (Part 1).
“I hope the nothingness consumes us after Sesame Street.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: What is Nothing?
“We have a lot of red stuff if you’re into that. You like red stuff?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: What If We Had a Fire?
“Jim, you are not a licensed narrator.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: We Discover the Dictionary.
“Yes, all around the world people travel by stereotype.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Walking to School.
“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes, two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”
Star Wars Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.
Riff & React: Kevin & Mike & Vengeance of the Dead
Movie: I figure I’ll bring back a pizza for supper.
“It’s practically begging us to lick it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Values: Understanding Ourselves.
“His diverse business and charity interests require top-notch fiduciary oversight from qualified peers.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Values: The Right Thing to Do.
“Speaking of mistakes, I went hard on the seven-layer dip. I’m going to go wreck the billionaires’ men’s room.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business.
“Man can you wreck a can. Whoa. The waft just hit me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Trucker’s Woman.
“And if I do this, I’ll magically like NASCAR?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Troll 2.
“Okay, then. To prove a point, I’m going to release 10,000 Africanized killer bees into the room.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Toward Emotional Maturity.
“He’s been weird ever since those chimps tossed him.”
Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 5: Animals Behaving Badly
“In short, the Shrimp-pocalypse is nigh. Weak humans bow before your new crustacean masters.”
Riff pulled from Total Riff Off Episode 1: Killer Shrimp N’ Friends
“Careful, handling oblong tins can lead to picnic boning.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: This is Hormel.
“You know what they say, you’re never truly broke if you have rage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Wizard.
“Think of it as nature’s Pepsi.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Water We Drink.
Riff & React: Mike & The Toy Maker
Movie: I want to tell you a story about two puppets I made.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Talking Cat!?!” Sketch
Kevin: The talking cat!?!
“Nerd Defender, this fall on CBS.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
“Eat a fish, pull your beard, laugh about it—all classic snowman stuff!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Snowman.
“I like my ‘five-tini’ up, with an olive, no elf.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Shoemaker and the Elves.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Who’s Your Favorite Character So Far” Sketch
Bill: So, who’s your favorite character so far?
Riff & React: Mike & The Return
Movie: I’m not used to lady scientists running through the streets of my little town.
“A common Transylvanian food that may be killing you. We’ll have the full story at ten.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Night That Dracula Saved The World.
“The human is my lunch, Brad.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: The Return of Swamp Thing.
“She could tell the skeleton belonged to a white person by The Decemberists ticket in its pocket.”
Rock ‘n’ Riffs pulled from RiffTrax: The Minion.
“I love stuff from other people’s mouths.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Magic Shop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Piltdown Man” Sketch
Mike: Whoa, he went there.
“If there’s only one collaborator, who’d she collaborate with?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Lemonade Stand: What’s Fair?
“Shoes on the couch. Well, I guess it really is the apocalypse.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Man on Earth.
PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, even Cheaper Trick.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The House on Sorority Row.
“I’ve seen enough tortoise ass to last a lifetime.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Hare & The Tortoise.
“I hope this doesn’t sound culturally insensitive, but your religion eats.”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Wild Women of Wongo.
“Probably shouldn’t poop here. That would be a pretty big clue.”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Killers from Space.
“Yes, sir. This is what I do it for. To be lifted and caressed by other bediapered men.”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Giant of Marathon.
“Finally, a cult where fat guys can sway all they want.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Devil’s Hand.
“Alyson Hannigan in American Pie 22: Septuagenarian Antics.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark.
“Safer than Safeville and Safetown? You’re mad!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 1).
“The tam o’ shanter, the haggis of the hat world.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the First Amendment as interpreted by Tito Puente.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Bill of Rights in Action.
“Guys, this has just moved into my top five, all-time, winch securing scenes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Nick Swardson” Sketch
Kevin: There’s no high hat. Where am I?
“Some kids think soccer is a sport, but police know it’s a threat to society.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Teenagers on Trial.
“She would go on to have Curly-related trauma for the rest of her adult life.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Swing Parade.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Body Sacks” Sketch
Bill: You know Lupe, I love using burlap for my body sacks. Sturdy, yet light and breathable.
“Whoa, this is the building where George Zaloom wrote Encino Man. I’m sorry, I’m a bit of a Cino head.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.
“Let me introduce you to fat doctor. You’ll like fat doctor. Fat doctor good people.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening.
“Sorry to be so crunked on the goofballs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Study Skills: Verbal Communication Made Easy.
“A living clown erection. Hi kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Story-telling: Can You Tell It In Order?
Riff & React: Mike & Starting School
Movie: She’s a ballerina. And what does she do, Pam?
Sketches & Speeches: The “Which Brian?” Sketch
Kevin: Which Brian? I’m lost and I’m a Brian.
“After all, what’s a spunk-man without his spunk bucket?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Spunky the Snowman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “President Ford” Sketch
Bill: President Ford is about to speak.
“All good friendships start with the bequeathing of a shovel.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Skipper Learns a Lesson.
“Death takes a dump on us all at some point.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Six Murderous Beliefs.
“Not many people heard it, but everyone single one who did went out and wrote their own hymn about stuff being quiet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol.
“Ahh! Bury me with my Charlene Tilton poster.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shake Hands With Danger.
“Her disgust at the currently allotted reading area fills her mouth with bile.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up a Room.
“Ding. Don’t talk to men with Bob Dylan moustaches.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Say No to Strangers.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch
Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.
“And tea kettles are my only form of communication.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Narrating Another Woman” Sketch
Kevin: That night, mother found out father had been narrating another woman.
“He forgot to stay groovy and guard himself against stagflation.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safety Woman: In Danger Out of Doors.
“‘Brice Mack.’ Pretty sure that’s one of the names we invented for the guy in Space Mutiny.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
PixTrax: “The Art Garfunkel Army has finally seized power.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.
“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch
Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing
RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”
“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.
“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.
“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”
RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!
“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.
“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch
Mike: Castleton college?
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer
Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!
“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!
RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”
“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.
Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun
Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.
RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”
The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.
“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.
PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”
PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.
“Hun, does it ever bother you that Timmy stays in his room all day listening to Bach cantatas and crafting unspeakable automata?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rediscovery: Puppets.
“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.
“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror
Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”
“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch
Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.
“Okay class, today we’re gonna shake hands with danger.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Primary Safety: In the School Building.
“I wonder who said, “It’s a good shot, but I really think it could use a looming, khaki-clad ass.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Playing Together.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage
Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.
“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch
Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.
“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.
Keep Rolling! 
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