Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
Category: Mike Nelson
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage
Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.
“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch
Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.
“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.
“The Count from Sesame Street has finally gone folk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey.
“Monkeys—always secreting hydrochloric acid.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Got Fat.
“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.
“For instance, my hair says that I’m a pedantic douche.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nutrition: The All-American Meal.
“This looks like something that would appear in Homer Simpson’s head when he was supposed to be reading a safety manual.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Cracker.
“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).
“Eat my sleigh-wash you sawed-off, little freaks. I’m going to Ibiza!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.
“I’m Wings Hauser. Red Bull gives you meeeee!!!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mutant.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Doing Words” Sketch
Mike: Doing words? Oh, let’s see. Well, roast comes to mind. Also, parboil, saute, baste, marinate, and dice.
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon (Mike Nelson and Fred Willard edition).
“The history of cinema has a lot of mail checking scenes, but this one is definitely the best. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say ‘the best?’ I meant the ‘longest.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Miami Connection.
“Eat pigeon crap, heckler scum.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measure Metric.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”
Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—
“Sun visor gun’s got nothing on ass-knife.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dangerous Men.*
Sketches & Speeches: “The Powers of Darkness” Sketch
Mike: I summoned all the powers of darkness to bring my plush toy collection to life.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Giant X” Sketch
Bill: Oh god, a giant ‘X’ from nowhere!
“Don’t let Keith Moon drive.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Love That Car!
Riff & React: Mike and Live and Learn
Movie: A campfire can be a lot fun, but it can also be very dangerous.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Seventies Hipster” Sketch
Bill: God, a seventies hipster!
“We now return to ‘Acid Trip Babies’ already in progress.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Pretend: Magic Sneakers.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech
“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,
Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders
Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.
“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Kangaroo Can’t Play Basketball” Sketch
Kevin: Wait a second. Is there a rule that says a kangaroo can’t play basketball?
Sketches and Speeches: The “Long Walk” Speech
“It was a long walk from his death row cell to what laid waiting for him.
“Wearing his contempt like a badge; referring to his classmates as sheeple.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Jimmy of the Safety Patrol.
“Well, “cool” in the sense orthopedic headgear and Ziggy comics are cool.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack-O.
“When you first open it, the hamster urine can be pretty powerful.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack The Giant Killer.
Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man
Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.
“The sadly, ironic juxtaposition you just saw in the cutaways was a lie, digitally manipulated by longtime enemies of Fred.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: How Much Affection?
“I’d use a stud finder but I’m afraid it would just detect me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: House on Haunted Hill.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch
Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?
Riff & React: Mike & Health: Your Posture
Movie: You’re neat and clean and healthy looking.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch
Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.
“We can’t spare seven seconds to draw a face on the bag!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Halloween Party.
Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly
Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.
“This boy in his underpants, dragging a log, illustrates it well.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Good Health Practices.
“Actual bears cooking porridge. Even ACI tipped their hat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
“Ugh. Every search party has to have a dreamer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“Willie is only vaguely familiar with the construction of his most prized possession.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Getting Angry.
“I filled a tire with pudding and set it on fire.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Get That Job.
“The smell of manure is traded for the stench of human depravity.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Geography of Your Community.
“Good, our new copy of ‘Hideous 80s Couples in Wretched Ugly Kitchens Monthly’ is here.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Zone.
“Give me a good beer-belly beer. I gotta maintain.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Force.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Fungicide” Sketch
Bill: Fungicide: Life on the Streets.
“Ah yes, Moon Land. Great country before it got bombed back into the stone age in the third Balloon Land War.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fun In Balloon Land.
Sketches & Speeches: The “It’s A Thing With Stuff” Sketch
Kevin: It’s a thing with stuff.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Estonia” Sketch
Kevin: What do we want?
“Stupid non-Wings Hauser actor. Why aren’t you Wings Hauser? God, I miss Wings Hauser. Now, that man can microwave a croissant.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fever Lake.
“I’m disappointed with your first quarter sales report, Thompson.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Feelings: I’m Feeling Alone.
“The art department nailed what I thought her closet would look like.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Feeders.
Nick Nolte Moment From Fears Of Children
Bill: Oh hey, Mr. Nolte.
“Mom knew I despised crockery of any kind.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Family Teamwork.
“Cheerios, the Josh Groban of breakfast cereals.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Families: Food and Eating.
PixTrax: “Stand on the right if you’re fabulous!”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Families: Earning and Spending.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Guy From That Terrible Star Trek Movie” Sketch
Bill: Help! That guy from that terrible Star Trek movie is grabbing us.
“Never take dietary advice from a man whose head looks like a boiled onion.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Fad Diet Circus.
“Yeah, I studied clarinet at Berkeley. Punched my conductor once. Now, I’m doing egg council shorts.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Eggs To Market.
“Does he do his homework and then listen to baseball on the radio? Or does he smear peanut butter on his chest and snort frozen peas?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Each Child is Different.
“Or to put it simply, draw one side of a square a bunch of times.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Drawing for Beginners: The Square.
Riff & React: Mike & Dinosaurs: The Age of the Terrible Lizard
Movie: They were reptiles and they were hatched from eggs.
“Okay fruit, prepare to be looked at by a real pro.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Dining Together.
PixTrax: “A young Rachel Maddow looks perplexed.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Decisions Decisions.
“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: December Holidays.
“‘Action International,’ parent company to ‘Romantic Comedy Regional.'”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Deadly Prey.
“My hand! I needed that to feel up 7 of 9.”
Star Trek Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dark Future.
“If I was homeless, I’d definitely urinate here!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Shorts: Danger Keep Out!
PixTrax: “They’ve found a Metroid save point.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Cyborg Cop 2.
RiffTrax Tracks: County Fair Super Mix
RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: County Fair.
“Got a tartare of ear shell clams on two, make the Chateaubriand walk, and give the panna cotta wings!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cooks and Chefs.
“Tim is easily surprised by batter textures. It’s an endearing quirk of his.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Cooking Terms.
“Ah, urinals and comic sans. Together at last.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Color It Clean.
“You know, when you think about it, there’s almost a certain logic to it that people associate coffee houses with coffee.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Coffeehouse Rendezvous.
“The doughnuts give me the husky energy I need.”
Riff pulled from Christmas with RiffTrax featuring Magic Christmas Tree.
“Is dad a retired stooge or something?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Toyshop.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Not He-Man” Sketch
Bill: Now, which one these figures is Stinkor, the Evil Master of Odors?
Sketches & Speeches: The “Discussing Watchmen” Speech
“No, see, I have to agree with Alan Moore that the whole Before Watchmen thing is shameless.
“He was kinda the Pete Best of the group.”
The Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Charade.
“These two can’t stand each other, but they put it aside for the love of the dredging.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Carnival of Souls.
PixTrax: “Suddenly, out of nowhere, Duane Allman appeared.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Buffalo Rider.
“The worst complaint of all is Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo wasn’t long enough.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Breaker! Breaker!
PixTrax: “Alright, first off let me just explain how I got Timothy B. Schmidt’s hair.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
“Billy is overcome with ennui at observing the mediocrity of his own neighborhood from above.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Billy’s Helicopter Ride.
PixTrax: “Reggie’s a cross between Milhouse and Ralph Wiggum.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care Of Your Own Things.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Emperor Palpatine In Drag” Sketch
Kevin: Think the kid knows his mom is Emperor Palpatine in drag?
Sketches & Speeches: The “Living Post Apocalypse” Sketch
Mike: The upside to living post apocalypse? No Rachel Ray.
“Sam Katzman, wildly considered the Orson Wells of stories about diamond powered, remote controlled, magnetic, science weapons.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: The Wizard Strikes Back (Episode 9).
“Keep Rolling!” From RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Wild Ride (Episode 3)
Mike: ‘Snap.’ Oh god, my ankle! Guys, we have to stop.
“Cause that’s what superheroes do. They remain motionless while known criminals strip off their clothes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin’s Ruse (Episode 11).
“Batman and Robin, the second worst serial after Apple Jacks.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Rescues Batman (Episode 5).
“You’re always on the bat rag.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman: Robin Meets the Wizard! (Episode 8).
“It’s as I feared, my bat sperm are few and sluggish.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Batman Vs. The Wizard (Episode 14).
“Wait a minute. Zuromski worked on this? Well, if you have to watch a ‘Daily Problems’ short it may as well be a Zuromski.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems.
Keep Rolling! 
You must be logged in to post a comment.