“I don’t know. I don’t think, say Carl Reiner, has a lot of growing up to do.”
Carl Reiner March 20, 1922 – June 29, 2020
Category: RiffTrax Movies
“Fake Roger Daltrey is just pissed because she stepped on his chance to do a ‘meet the new boss, same as the old boss’ thing.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
“Nikki Sixx once woke up with a needle still in his arm, but you know, respectfully doing household chores is pretty metal too.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Riff & React: “Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.”
Movie: Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.
“Cyrus Clemmons, he use to play saxophone with Bryce Sprungsteen, Steamy Zan Fant, Jack Steinberg, and the rest of the Three Street Band.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flatts.
“Well, his hatred of doors is nothing compared to my hatred of The Doors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Tourist Trap.
“They loved super annoying noise in the sixties. I mean, between this and The Doors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis has seen better days.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Beast of the Yellow Night.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis, civil servant.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Death Promise.
“The young tramp was before the tramp got powers and became Supertramp.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.
PixTrax: “The Journey and Boston album covers are at war.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.
“‘Uncharted Journeys to the Sun,’ is this a mellow crooner cover of a Rush song?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
PixTrax: “If you stare into it long enough you join Emerson, Lake and Palmer.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Return.
“Oh great! Now, a prog rock concert is gonna to start. Run kid, run.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Emerson, Lake and Palmer Song Is Trying to Start Sketch”
Mike: An Emerson, Lake and Palmer song is trying to start!
“Based on the noise, I’d say we’re hiding in Keith Emerson’s closet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare.
“I thought phony Beatlemania had bitten the dust. Was everything The Clash taught me a lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.
“Glen Danzig will watch you bathe outdoors. Just try our new service. Get 15 percent off your first order with discount code ‘Glen Danzig will watch you bathe outdoors.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Berserker: Hell’s Warrior.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Boys Sketch”
Mike: Maybe these are “The Boys?”
“I don’t know. This underwater stage production of The Wall just isn’t hitting home for me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
“Big missed opportunity not queuing up something off of Atom Heart Mother for this fight.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
PixTrax: “Someday, Pink Floyd will record a song about this.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.
“Patty Smyth is pissed. She’s going to shoot at them like they’re the walls of heartache.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.
“‘Rumours on the Street,’ Fleetwood Mac’s unfortunate attempt at a hip hop album.”
Riff Pulled from RiffTrax: Velvet Smooth.
“We’ll go our own way per Fleetwood Mac’s advice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.
“Okay, Fleetwood Mac rules. Everyone grab a new partner and switch beds.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Dresden 1945 Sketch”
Mike: Mmm, I guess we’re in Dresden 1945?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Are You Ready To Rock Sketch”
Kevin: Are you ready to rock?
“Use the Force, Zindy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Zindy The Swamp Boy.
“So they all have regrettable Star Wars tattoos. Who cares?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yesterday’s Target.
“I feel a great disturbance in the Yambao.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yambao.
“So, throwing tantrums is his main power. He’s like a way cooler version of Kylo Ren.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Wes Craven’s Mind Ripper.
“So, is he a padawan learner or a stormtrooper? These Star Wars Blu-rays are really confusing.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Warriors of the Wasteland.
“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes–two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.
“Malla? They’re praying to Chewbacca’s wife?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness.
Riff & React: “There’s a force in this room.”
Movie: There’s a force in this room.
“I assume for 1930s audiences seeing this pack of dogs on screen was the equivalent of a hundred Death Stars.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Most Dangerous Game.
RiffTrax Track: “Can It Nerd”
“Can It Nerd” pulled from RiffTrax: The Little Unicorn.
“Ah, Luke is here to free Leia and Han from—I’m kidding. It’s a barely disguised Jaime Pressly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Journey: Absolution.
“Always have to take an elective before you begin Jedi training.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bride and The Beast.
“I got metachorlreians coming out of my ass, I tells ya.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Supersonic Man.
“You call that a hyperdrive? I’ve seen more torque on a BB-8.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.
“Reno: the Tosche Station of Nevada.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“The last person I was this happy to see burn was Anakin Skywalker.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ghost House.
“Not to be confused with ‘Fisto Fury.’ That is some very disturbing fan fiction about Kit Fitso.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.
“They did it. They invented a kid more annoying then Jake Lloyd. I didn’t think it was possible.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Firehead.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Undramatic Digital Fantasy Effects Sketch”
Kevin: So, at what age do you stop being interested in really undramatic digital fantasy effects?
PixTrax: “R2 fell in with some bad droids.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who: Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.
“Someday, with any luck, I’ll be ‘Grand Moff’ of a place like this.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who and The Daleks.
“Ohh, this one’s big enough to tauntaun.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Deadly Prey.
“Yeah, it’s a bit late to start dropping fourth-rate Han Solo quips, pal.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cyber Tracker.
Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”
Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.
“They can’t fix the bike until their nephew returns with some power converters.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cool as Ice.
“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
“Hey, a stormtrooper finally hit somebody.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Battlefield Earth.
“This excitement is what Star Wars failed to deliver by not showing Luke picking up the power converters at Tosche Station.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Attack From Space.
PixTrax: “Welcome to Skywalker Ranch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Alien Outlaw.
“147 parsecs!?! Han Solo could have made the Kessel Run 12 times by now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe.
“Well, I’m glad this isn’t ‘Tara in the Wax Museum.’ Just two hours of Tara Reid wondering around a wax museum looking confused.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Terror in the Wax Museum.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Peakviewing Transatlantic Sketch”
Bill: Peakviewing Transatlantic: sure we make films, but mostly we fly over oceans to look at mountains.
“Whatever you do, do not google ‘Chicago Boy Films.'”
First riff from RiffTrax: Fever Lake.
“Filmark. Like Noah’s Ark if all the animals were very sick.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunderstorm storm warning as well as a severely cheesy movie watch.”
First riff from RiffTrax: The Bride and The Beast.
“This week on Funky Missile and the Uptown Scuds!”
First riff from RiffTrax: Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident.
“Woolner Brothers. Hey Warner Brothers, does your “w” have a really cool flame on top of it? Yeah, we didn’t think so.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Hillbillys in a Haunted House.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Day The First Man Sketch.”
Mike: The day Lincoln got shot.
“You remember before Bernie Sanders, when the country was crawling with Polonia bros.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
“My kids never forgive me when I bought Super Polonia Brothers for Nintendo.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Sprach Zarathustra Speech.”
Kevin: Sounds like Sprach Zarathustra.
“Ah man, I got to mail this to Roger. He of all people will love this vengeance needs blood. Ha! Ha! Ha! That is so up Roger’s alley.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
PixTrax: “We now take you live to the set of the seventies porn film, The Life and Times of Grizzly Ass Hams.”
First riff from RiffTrax: The Guy From Harlem.
Sketches and Speeches: “The Jesse Ventura Sketch”
Mike: Guys, I’m not sure what’s coming but this music is getting me pretty pumped up about it.
PixTrax: “Vacuum cleaners of the gods.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Supersonic Man.
PixTrax: “Presents the name that shocked the spelling world.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Cyborg Cop 2.
PixTrax: “A font that says I hate your eyes.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Frankenstein Island.
Sketches and Speeches: “The Signal Lamp Sketch.”
Mike: A signal lamp trying to tell us something. Kevin, please decode.
PixTrax: “Scott Shaw presents default Adobe Premiere slate templates.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Rollergator.
PixTrax: “We now join an Iron Butterfly video already in progress.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Superargo and the Faceless Giants.
PixTrax: “Cornet presents: Putting on Gloves and You.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Laser Mission.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Japan Sketch.”
Mike: This movie brought to you by Japan.
“Edgewood Studios: we survived Time Chasers and Radical Jack. You think you can stop Edgewood Studios? Nothing can stop Edgewood Studios!”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Icebreaker.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Four Seasons For Life Sketch”
Kevin: The Frankie Valli Institute!?! Ah crap, I was hoping for a sneak preview of The Jersey Boys film adaptation.
“If that turns out to be a Jellicle cat’s foot, I’m leaving.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.
“First, there was only darkness. Then there was synth.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Pirate’s World Breakup Sketch”
Kevin: So, did you have fun in the Thumbelina room?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Dear Diary Sketch”
Bill: Dear Diary, Mr. Clifford was worse than useless. He just sat there pretending to be dead most of the time.
Sketches & Speeches: “Fred Stanford’s Truck Sketch”
Bill: They blew up Fred Stanford’s truck.
Speeches & Sketches: Kevin Murphy’s “Wade William’s Go To Guy Speech”
“Ah yeah, Herbert Tevos he was Wade William’s go to guy every time he had a Lost Women project cued up. ‘Hey, where are the women lost this time, Wade?’ ‘On a mesa.’ ‘Well damn, you got to put me on this project. If you don’t have a soundtrack yet, I know this guy who […]
Sketches & Speeches: “The Zombie Attack Sketch”
Bill: Ah, just as things are looking up for her—getting rid of a douchey husband—zombie attack. Isn’t that always the way though.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ed McMahon Serious Threat Sketch”
Bill: These aliens move like barges. They’re too slow to be a serious threat.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Andromeda Strain/Alien Sketch”
Mike: Hey, you got your Andromeda Strain in my Alien.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Titular Buffalo Rider Sketch”
Mike: He rides a buffalo mind you, but he’s not the titular buffalo rider. Gonna be awhile until we get to him. Bill: Ah, come on! Mike: We apologize for any inconvenience, but in the meantime, please enjoy this shot of a man sitting on a buffalo. Bill: So, this isn’t even Buffalo Jones, a […]
Speeches & Sketches: Mike Nelson’s “What Chekov Said Speech”
“Remember what Chekov said: ‘If you devote a good portion of Act One, talking about orange juice,
Sketches & Speeches: “The Missal to the Moon Sketch”
Bill: So, um, they’re referring to a rocket, right, and not ‘missal’ as in the Catholic prayer book?
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Mr. Fujiyama’s Lawn Sketch”
Mike: It appears the real criminal here is whoever is charging Mr. Fujiyama for lawn care and landscaping.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Corporate Murder Leadership Seminars Sketch”
Bill: Evil spirit’s axe focus seems inefficient. I mean had to go a long way to retrieve that axe, right? Probably passed by dozens of other perfectly good murder-implements. I’m just saying, diversify, it could be great for your growth potential.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Buy You A Hamburger Sketch”
Kevin: Hey Mike, I’ll buy you a hamburger.
Sketches & Speeches: Bill Corbett’s “So You’re a Model” Speech
“So, you’re a model, huh? We don’t get a lot of them here.
Sketches & Speeches: “My Favorite Yambaó Sketch”
Mike: Ninón Sevilla is my favorite Yambaó.
