“This guy’s being a real tent-maker right now.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Son of Sinbad.
Category: RiffTrax Movies
“Tool Sheds Enterers, this fall on Nat Geo Channel.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: Sisters of Death.
“My apologies, sir. I know what it’s like to lose a janitor.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Shrunken Heads.
“Hey kids, proper grammar is everyone’s family.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Max Havoc: Ring of Fire.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch
Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.
“Oh knee buttons, will you ever bring me peace?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Summer House.
“And tea kettles are my only form of communication.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
“Guys, has Pumpkin Patch Pictures ever made a bad film?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: San Franpsycho.
“‘Brice Mack.’ Pretty sure that’s one of the names we invented for the guy in Space Mutiny.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
“Yep, if you earned an eye roll from Joe Estevez it’s time sort out your life.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rollergator
RiffTrax Tracks: “We Accept The Challenge”
“We Accept The Challenge” pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
PixTrax: “The Art Garfunkel Army has finally seized power.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch
Mike: Castleton college?
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
“Hey, my bare boobs put you through private school.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: He Sees You When You’re Sleeping.
“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!
RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”
“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.
“I think you misinterpreted my need to poop.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Children of the Bride.
“All my best teachers stood six inches from my face and whispered their lessons creepily in my ear.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Retro Puppet Master.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Myself Being Kidnapped” Sketch
Mary Jo: You know what, I hand it to her. I personally wouldn’t want to draw attention to myself being kidnapped.
“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.
PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”
PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.
“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.
“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror
Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.
PixTrax: “I write Drupal code.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Radical Jack.
“And I do mean crawl. You see folks, I’m secretly a baby.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: R.O.T.O.R.
“Tell me, why do people in old-timey movies preface a question with the phrase ‘tell me’ when the interrogative nature of the statement demands a response anyway?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Purple Death from Outer Space.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”
“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.
“There is nothing cinematically superior to people entering dimly lit rooms and looking around. Besides maybe shots of baseboard caulk hardening.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Psycho II.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch
Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.
“How much do you know about Vermont’s cheddar mining industry?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Pressure Point.
“I’m sorry, but I really can’t tolerate any non erection-based lighting systems at the moment.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Plankton.
“Sorry about the mess in here guys. I kinda live out of my dirigible.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Planet Outlaws (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Mary Appleseth wanted top billing but got crushed by the powerful Derna Wylde publicly machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Planet of Dinosaurs.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage
Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.
“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.
“The good, the bad, and the straight to video.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion 2: Backlash.
“One request, have townsfolk throw mud instead of tomatoes at me. I have a lycopene allergy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion.
“Enjoy the Dragon Sound concert tonight, kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: No Retreat, No Surrender.
“Make them suffer. Only let them have access to those weird video games you can play on hotel room TVs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).
“Rabbits look like they’re posing for their album cover. Lead singer in the middle. Guitarist on the right. Idiot replacement drummer on the top.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Lepus.
Riff & React: Kevin & Neutron The Atomic Superman vs. The Death Robots
Movie: This is Professor Mensies.
“Hi. Bob Fungus. Which way is molding?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Father Frost.
“I’m Wings Hauser. Red Bull gives you meeeee!!!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mutant.
“Because I need to catch up on my friend’s web series first. It’s about dating in L.A.—very fresh.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident.
“This here narrative has entered a Möbius strip of repeatin’ violence.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Atomic Garden.
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon (Mike Nelson and Fred Willard edition).
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gritty Reboot” Sketch
Kevin: It’s the gritty reboot of ‘Setting Up A Room.’
“The history of cinema has a lot of mail checking scenes, but this one is definitely the best. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say ‘the best?’ I meant the ‘longest.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Miami Connection.
“And if you’ve never seen this guy back down a ladder, you are in for a treat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Mesa of Lost Women.
“Okay, this sword fight is reaching ‘Hey Jude’ levels of over-staying its welcome.”
Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin: The Return.
“If only movies featured ironic comeuppances. I’d be worried for him.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders.
“Spanish guys with guns swarming over a wall—it’s a Lou Dobbs fever dream.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: McBain.
“Why did they make this prison so hard to get out of?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Maximum Revenge.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”
Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—
Riff & React: Kevin & Martial Law 2
Movie: So, who’s the new girl?
PixTrax: “Classic. They’re playing good cop, Kenny Loggins-resembling cop.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Martial Law.
“This movie contains uncredited dialogue written by Ed Wood. Enjoy in moderation.”
The first riff from RiffTrax Presents: Married Too Young.
“Sun visor gun’s got nothing on ass-knife.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dangerous Men.*
“‘A Touch of Pacino’ is my new line of poultry seasoning.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.
“Victims like the neighbor’s pet chicken, Richard M. Chickson.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Lycan Colony.
PixTrax: “He should be at the skinny Adam West convention.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Lovely But Deadly.
“Pipe down the Jewish a little, Mushnick. You make Maimonides seem like Tab Hunter.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Little Shop of Horrors.
“My father said I’d never be able to extort city governments with a light blaster. How do you like me now, dad!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Light Blast.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Am I A Good Cop?” Speech
“It’s times like this when you’re approaching a mortuary late a night,
Riff & React: Mike & Kingdom of Spiders
Movie: The venom we sent to the lab; it’s five times more toxic than normal.
“They all come running for the great taste of Bert.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: King of Kong Island.
“Clearly, we need a 20-part true crime podcast that tells maybe 40 minutes of story.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Killers From Space.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Ruined Heling” Sketch
Kevin: You know, it’s almost like Nazis have ruined heiling things for the rest of us.
“I told you I can’t stand that tape of John Williams B-sides.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Kill and Kill Again.
“He gets so snippy when he’s sleeveless.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Karate Cop.
“She walks like Rod from Birdemic.”
Birdemic Callback Riff pulled from RiffTrack: Julie and Jack.
“Well, “cool” in the sense orthopedic headgear and Ziggy comics are cool.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack-O.
“When you first open it, the hamster urine can be pretty powerful.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack The Giant Killer.
“Oh relax, it’s not poison. It’s elephant semen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
“Pa, I want to be an influencer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: It’s A Wonderful Life.
“I just want to hold a file today that isn’t damp from sheriff sweat.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Invasion of the Bee Girls (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Laplanders can’t estimate size, that’s my favorite racists stereotype.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Invasion of the Animal People.
“Junior high health class was especially tough on William Cameron Menzies.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Invaders from Mars.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Learning People’s Name” Sketch
Bill: Icebreaker. Get ready for ninety minutes of a corporate retreat where everyone sits in a circle learning people’s name through a fun game.
Riff & React: Mike & Ice Cream Man
Movie: I’m fixing up a little party for you.
“There’s a Kringle on the wing of the plane.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus.
“I’d use a stud finder but I’m afraid it would just detect me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: House on Haunted Hill.
PixTrax: “Bentals Unlimited. I wonder if they bent roats. I’d love to take my fids kishing.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Honor and Glory.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Torture Dungeon” Sketch
Bill: It’s a torture dungeon, but they strung a safety chain on the balustrade. Why?
“You got Venmo or are you one of those Zelle weirdos?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Hijacked: Flight 285.
Sketches & Speeches: The “I’d Hate To Be Rick Wakeman Right About Now” Sketch
Bill: Ooh, Zamfir. Get down with your bad self. Tear Windham Hill a new one.
PixTrax: “It stinks.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Gumby: The Movie
Nick Nolte Moment from Grizzly
Kevin: Looks like the kind of place Nick Nolte would come to sell his stolen road signs.
“Ugh. Every search party has to have a dreamer.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“Okay look, not to Giant-splain you here or anything, but that’s gonna be your relay or your starter.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Giant From The Unknown.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Chew Bubble Gum” Sketch
Movie: I think if you just chew that bubble gum maybe a little bit less.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Ghosthouse Drinking Song”
The “Ghosthouse Drinking Song” pulled from RiffTrax: Ghosthouse.
“We should all start judging time in terms of when scientists arrive at airports.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Gammera The Invincible.
“Good, our new copy of ‘Hideous 80s Couples in Wretched Ugly Kitchens Monthly’ is here.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Zone.
“Give me a good beer-belly beer. I gotta maintain.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Future Force.
Keep Rolling! 
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