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Keep Rolling!

…Because some Riffs have it coming!

Written by RifftraxMarch 29, 2022February 26, 2022

“Good night fat astronaut. May flights of aliens sing thee to thy rest”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: HANGAR 18 (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).

Written by RifftraxMarch 28, 2022February 25, 2022

“Now, when they promised me a model sequence I was hoping for something with Kate Upton and a skipping rope.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Flight to Mars (Matthew J. Elliott, Ian Potter)

Written by RifftraxMarch 27, 2022February 27, 2022

“A Plymouth Reliant shot through a chain link fence? Dial back the visual splendor please!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Time Chasers.

Written by RifftraxMarch 26, 2022February 25, 2022

“Yes, the things you use to pick up dog poo is now a major motion picture.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: SUMMER SHORTS BEACH PARTY.

Written by RifftraxMarch 25, 2022February 25, 2022

“Hey, I’m a reptile. Anyone know why I have breasts?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Star Raiders.

Written by RifftraxMarch 24, 2022February 23, 2022

PixTrax: “‘Give me the Gabe Kaplan,’ she told her hairdresser.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Space Mutiny.

Written by RifftraxMarch 23, 2022February 26, 2022

“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.

Written by RifftraxMarch 22, 2022March 4, 2022

“You are a bikini bar waitress. Show some dignity!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado.

Written by RifftraxMarch 21, 2022February 23, 2022

Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Movie: I never saw such lazy people.

Written by RifftraxMarch 20, 2022March 21, 2022

“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.

Written by RifftraxMarch 19, 2022February 23, 2022

“Woman, there’s another darn metal thing in the way of my hand scooping!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

Written by RifftraxMarch 18, 2022February 23, 2022

Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Samurai Cop

Movie: Feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts.

Written by RifftraxMarch 17, 2022February 23, 2022

“Or my name isn’t the Dad from Alf.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Reefer Madness.

Written by RifftraxMarch 16, 2022February 21, 2022

“Attention aliens, will you leave if we give you Shirley MacLaine?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Written by RifftraxMarch 15, 2022February 21, 2022

PixTrax: “Hey, it’s the director.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Octaman.

Written by RifftraxMarch 14, 2022February 21, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch

Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing

Written by RifftraxMarch 13, 2022February 21, 2022

“Finally, a movie about clown thermometers. Thank you.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: MST3K Reunion.

Written by RifftraxMarch 12, 2022February 21, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Dragon Sound and Friendship For Life” Sketch.

Kevin: Well, that’s it. I’m burning all my Beatles albums. Dragon Sound and friendship for life. Yeah!

Written by RifftraxMarch 11, 2022February 21, 2022

Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer

Movie: We have plans to make. The dawn comes much too soon.

Written by RifftraxMarch 10, 2022February 21, 2022

PixTrax: “Chester A. Arthur ladies and gentlemen.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: House on Haunted Hill.

Written by RifftraxMarch 9, 2022February 21, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”

“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.

Written by RifftraxMarch 8, 2022February 21, 2022

“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”

Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.

Written by RifftraxMarch 7, 2022February 21, 2022

“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”

RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!

Written by RifftraxMarch 6, 2022February 21, 2022

“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.

Written by RifftraxMarch 5, 2022February 21, 2022

“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.

Written by RifftraxMarch 4, 2022March 4, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch

Mike: Castleton college?

Written by RifftraxMarch 3, 2022February 21, 2022

“Think Manos ever hangs out with Xenu at a bar for crappy deities?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: “Manos” the Hands of Fate.

Written by RifftraxMarch 2, 2022February 21, 2022

“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!

Written by RifftraxMarch 1, 2022February 21, 2022

Riff & React: Mary Jo & Ol’ #23

Movie: Maybe some of your parents have reupholster some old furniture and they can teach us as we go?

Written by RifftraxFebruary 28, 2022February 21, 2022

“Is this the film where they send the dogs to the gym and cats have to stay and watch it?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: It’s a Cat’s Life.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 27, 2022February 23, 2022

“I don’t think we can survive on boogers.”

Riff pulled from Holiday From Rules.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 26, 2022February 18, 2022

“Hey, my bare boobs put you through private school.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: He Sees You When You’re Sleeping.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 25, 2022February 18, 2022

Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer

Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 24, 2022February 23, 2022

“Rosemary’s one flaw was her man thumb.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: Good Grooming for Girls.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 23, 2022February 7, 2022

“What color do I feel like pooping?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: Frances and Her Rabbit.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 22, 2022February 6, 2022

“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!

Written by RifftraxFebruary 21, 2022February 28, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”

“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 20, 2022February 6, 2022

“Phase one: get firehouse chimp. Phase two: question mark, question mark, question mark. Phase three: a more effective fire department.”

Riff pulled RiffTrax Shorts: Chimp The Fireman.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 19, 2022February 6, 2022

“I think you misinterpreted my need to poop.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Children of the Bride.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 18, 2022February 6, 2022

“Kids love ‘Birthplace of Millard Fillmore.’”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care Of Things.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 17, 2022February 6, 2022

Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun

Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 16, 2022February 6, 2022

RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”

The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 15, 2022February 5, 2022

“All my best teachers stood six inches from my face and whispered their lessons creepily in my ear.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Retro Puppet Master.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 14, 2022February 5, 2022

“No doubt there’s already Rescueman-Safety Woman fanfic out there.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rescueman.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 13, 2022February 6, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Myself Being Kidnapped” Sketch

Mary Jo: You know what, I hand it to her. I personally wouldn’t want to draw attention to myself being kidnapped.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 12, 2022February 4, 2022

“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 11, 2022February 11, 2022

“Your name is Dog Balls McQuack?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Remember Me.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 10, 2022February 6, 2022

PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”

PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 9, 2022February 9, 2022

“Hun, does it ever bother you that Timmy stays in his room all day listening to Bach cantatas and crafting unspeakable automata?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rediscovery: Puppets.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 8, 2022February 4, 2022

“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”

The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 7, 2022February 1, 2022

Riff & React: Kevin & Reading: Who needs it?

Movie: And I don’t need no English.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 6, 2022February 1, 2022

“His allegory is clumsy and maladroit.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Reading Growth: Basic Skills.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 5, 2022January 30, 2022

“Steppenwolf’s great. They’re going to have way more hits than The Beatles.”

Beatles Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Reading From Now On.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 4, 2022January 30, 2022

“Not enough cheerleaders to spell out ‘slaughter our enemy.’”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Read On! from Left to Right.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 3, 2022February 4, 2022

“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror

Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 2, 2022February 8, 2022

PixTrax: “I write Drupal code.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Radical Jack.

Written by RifftraxFebruary 1, 2022January 27, 2022

“And I do mean crawl. You see folks, I’m secretly a baby.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: R.O.T.O.R.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 31, 2022January 29, 2022

“Tell me, why do people in old-timey movies preface a question with the phrase ‘tell me’ when the interrogative nature of the statement demands a response anyway?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Purple Death from Outer Space.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 30, 2022January 27, 2022

RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”

“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 29, 2022January 26, 2022

“There is nothing cinematically superior to people entering dimly lit rooms and looking around. Besides maybe shots of baseboard caulk hardening.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Psycho II.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 28, 2022January 26, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch

Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 27, 2022January 25, 2022

“Okay class, today we’re gonna shake hands with danger.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Primary Safety: In the School Building.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 26, 2022January 24, 2022

“I hear the name Ruth G. Strickland and I imagine Donald Rumsfeld in drag.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Prickly the Porcupine.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 25, 2022January 24, 2022

“How much do you know about Vermont’s cheddar mining industry?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Pressure Point.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 24, 2022January 22, 2022

“I wonder who said, “It’s a good shot, but I really think it could use a looming, khaki-clad ass.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Playing Together.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 23, 2022January 22, 2022

“We need the movie in our monitors.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Play Safe (Live Edition).

Written by RifftraxJanuary 22, 2022January 22, 2022

“Yes. Getting dressed in Minnesota takes half the day.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Play In The Snow.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 21, 2022January 21, 2022

“I’m sorry, but I really can’t tolerate any non erection-based lighting systems at the moment.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Plankton.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 20, 2022January 19, 2022

“Sorry about the mess in here guys. I kinda live out of my dirigible.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Planet Outlaws (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).

Written by RifftraxJanuary 19, 2022January 18, 2022

“Mary Appleseth wanted top billing but got crushed by the powerful Derna Wylde publicly machine.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Planet of Dinosaurs.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 18, 2022January 17, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch

Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.

Written by Andy BondJanuary 17, 2022January 16, 2022

“Come on. I made cigarettes for breakfast. “

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Phoebe.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 16, 2022January 16, 2022

“Wait! Don’t re-toast the toast, you idiots!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Perc! Pop! Sprinkle!

Written by RifftraxJanuary 15, 2022January 31, 2022

Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage

Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 14, 2022January 13, 2022

“Sounds like ‘Tom’s Diner’ as performed by John Cage.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: People Soup.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 13, 2022January 13, 2022

“‘Pearl of the Orient’ is the name of my drag cabaret character.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Pearl of the Orient.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 12, 2022January 13, 2022

“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”

Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 11, 2022January 10, 2022

Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch

Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 10, 2022January 8, 2022

“Look at that, poor kid’s addicted to sandwich fumes.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Paper and I.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 9, 2022January 8, 2022

“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 8, 2022January 8, 2022

“The Count from Sesame Street has finally gone folk.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 7, 2022January 6, 2022

“Monkeys—always secreting hydrochloric acid.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Got Fat.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 6, 2022January 5, 2022

“Ophelia Dinsmore? That’s a flat out Monty Python name.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: On Guard – Bunco!

Written by RifftraxJanuary 5, 2022January 5, 2022

“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 4, 2022January 5, 2022

Riff & React: Mary Jo & Oh, Boy! Babies!

Movie: Okay everybody, let’s get them diapered.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 3, 2022January 5, 2022

“The good, the bad, and the straight to video.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion 2: Backlash.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 2, 2022January 5, 2022

“One request, have townsfolk throw mud instead of tomatoes at me. I have a lycopene allergy.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion.

Written by RifftraxJanuary 1, 2022January 5, 2022

“For instance, my hair says that I’m a pedantic douche.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nutrition: The All-American Meal.

Written by RifftraxDecember 31, 2021December 30, 2021

“He’s the John Cage’s 4’33” of taking a dump.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Krasner.

Written by RifftraxDecember 30, 2021December 30, 2021

“Well, anyway, here’s my speech entitled ‘Things I Shouldn’t Have Licked.'”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Gives a Speech.

Written by RifftraxDecember 29, 2021December 30, 2021

“Want to lick my squirrel?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Checks In.

Written by RifftraxDecember 28, 2021December 27, 2021

“Yah, we need the reggae music now, Mary Jo. We make everybody feel high.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Nobody Tells Me What to Do!

Written by RifftraxDecember 27, 2021December 27, 2021

“Enjoy the Dragon Sound concert tonight, kids.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: No Retreat, No Surrender.

Written by RifftraxDecember 26, 2021December 27, 2021

“Make them suffer. Only let them have access to those weird video games you can play on hotel room TVs.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.

Written by RifftraxDecember 25, 2021February 6, 2022

“Five budget items? I have twice that many bills in mail order meat club subscriptions alone.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts: SF Sketchfest 2016.

Written by RifftraxDecember 24, 2021January 31, 2022

“This looks like something that would appear in Homer Simpson’s head when he was supposed to be reading a safety manual.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Cracker.

Written by RifftraxDecember 23, 2021December 22, 2021

“Kindergarten: over ninety-percent ‘storage problem solving!'”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts – SF Sketchfest 2015.

Written by RifftraxDecember 22, 2021December 21, 2021

“Why not? You’re five. It’s time to know your flour sifters!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts – SF Sketchfest 2013.

Written by RifftraxDecember 21, 2021December 20, 2021

“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).

Written by RifftraxDecember 20, 2021December 19, 2021

“Rabbits look like they’re posing for their album cover. Lead singer in the middle. Guitarist on the right. Idiot replacement drummer on the top.”

Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Lepus.

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