“Good night fat astronaut. May flights of aliens sing thee to thy rest”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: HANGAR 18 (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Now, when they promised me a model sequence I was hoping for something with Kate Upton and a skipping rope.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Flight to Mars (Matthew J. Elliott, Ian Potter)
“A Plymouth Reliant shot through a chain link fence? Dial back the visual splendor please!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Time Chasers.
“Yes, the things you use to pick up dog poo is now a major motion picture.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: SUMMER SHORTS BEACH PARTY.
“Hey, I’m a reptile. Anyone know why I have breasts?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Star Raiders.
PixTrax: “‘Give me the Gabe Kaplan,’ she told her hairdresser.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Space Mutiny.
“Airport Taco Bell was a terrible idea.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado 2.
“You are a bikini bar waitress. Show some dignity!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Sharknado.
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Movie: I never saw such lazy people.
“Boy, this cartas fellow sure gets a lot of mail.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.
“Woman, there’s another darn metal thing in the way of my hand scooping!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Samurai Cop
Movie: Feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts.
“Or my name isn’t the Dad from Alf.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Reefer Madness.
“Attention aliens, will you leave if we give you Shirley MacLaine?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space.
PixTrax: “Hey, it’s the director.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Octaman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch
Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing
“Finally, a movie about clown thermometers. Thank you.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: MST3K Reunion.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Dragon Sound and Friendship For Life” Sketch.
Kevin: Well, that’s it. I’m burning all my Beatles albums. Dragon Sound and friendship for life. Yeah!
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer
Movie: We have plans to make. The dawn comes much too soon.
PixTrax: “Chester A. Arthur ladies and gentlemen.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: House on Haunted Hill.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”
“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.
“The Satellite Report just says, ‘Satellite’ by Dave Matthews is a terrible song.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Giant Spider Invasion.
“Oh boy, I shouldn’t have licked that toad.”
RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!
“Organ playing is like cooking Russian food. I’m not sure how to tell if you’re great or terrible at it.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls.
“Ramsey’s van is usually idling within binocular distance of a Curves franchise.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch
Mike: Castleton college?
“Think Manos ever hangs out with Xenu at a bar for crappy deities?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: “Manos” the Hands of Fate.
“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
Riff & React: Mary Jo & Ol’ #23
Movie: Maybe some of your parents have reupholster some old furniture and they can teach us as we go?
“Is this the film where they send the dogs to the gym and cats have to stay and watch it?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: It’s a Cat’s Life.
“I don’t think we can survive on boogers.”
Riff pulled from Holiday From Rules.
“Hey, my bare boobs put you through private school.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: He Sees You When You’re Sleeping.
Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer
Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!
“Rosemary’s one flaw was her man thumb.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: Good Grooming for Girls.
“What color do I feel like pooping?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts With Bridget & Mary Jo: Frances and Her Rabbit.
“Bartender, give me a dance juice.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dancin’: It’s On!
RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”
“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.
“Phase one: get firehouse chimp. Phase two: question mark, question mark, question mark. Phase three: a more effective fire department.”
Riff pulled RiffTrax Shorts: Chimp The Fireman.
“I think you misinterpreted my need to poop.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Children of the Bride.
“Kids love ‘Birthplace of Millard Fillmore.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care Of Things.
Riff & React: Mike & Basketball Is Fun
Movie: But let’s see a few of the approved ways to pass a basketball.
RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”
The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.
“All my best teachers stood six inches from my face and whispered their lessons creepily in my ear.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Retro Puppet Master.
“No doubt there’s already Rescueman-Safety Woman fanfic out there.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rescueman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Myself Being Kidnapped” Sketch
Mary Jo: You know what, I hand it to her. I personally wouldn’t want to draw attention to myself being kidnapped.
“Is this soundtrack racist? Because Mickey Rooney’s character in Breakfast at Tiffany’s thinks it might be a little racist.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Replica.
“Your name is Dog Balls McQuack?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Remember Me.
PixTrax: “One of Gary Shandling’s early roles.”
PixTrax pulled from Reefer Madness – Three Riffer Edition.
“Hun, does it ever bother you that Timmy stays in his room all day listening to Bach cantatas and crafting unspeakable automata?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rediscovery: Puppets.
“Yes, the poor wheat harvest was due to their mistaken belief that in Soviet Russia wheat harvests you.”
The first riff from RiffTrax: Red Dawn.
Riff & React: Kevin & Reading: Who needs it?
Movie: And I don’t need no English.
“His allegory is clumsy and maladroit.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Reading Growth: Basic Skills.
“Steppenwolf’s great. They’re going to have way more hits than The Beatles.”
Beatles Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Reading From Now On.
“Not enough cheerleaders to spell out ‘slaughter our enemy.’”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Read On! from Left to Right.
“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror
Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.
PixTrax: “I write Drupal code.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Radical Jack.
“And I do mean crawl. You see folks, I’m secretly a baby.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: R.O.T.O.R.
“Tell me, why do people in old-timey movies preface a question with the phrase ‘tell me’ when the interrogative nature of the statement demands a response anyway?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Purple Death from Outer Space.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”
“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.
“There is nothing cinematically superior to people entering dimly lit rooms and looking around. Besides maybe shots of baseboard caulk hardening.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Psycho II.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch
Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.
“Okay class, today we’re gonna shake hands with danger.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Primary Safety: In the School Building.
“I hear the name Ruth G. Strickland and I imagine Donald Rumsfeld in drag.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Prickly the Porcupine.
“How much do you know about Vermont’s cheddar mining industry?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Pressure Point.
“I wonder who said, “It’s a good shot, but I really think it could use a looming, khaki-clad ass.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Playing Together.
“We need the movie in our monitors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Play Safe (Live Edition).
“Yes. Getting dressed in Minnesota takes half the day.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Play In The Snow.
“I’m sorry, but I really can’t tolerate any non erection-based lighting systems at the moment.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Plankton.
“Sorry about the mess in here guys. I kinda live out of my dirigible.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Planet Outlaws (with Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Mary Appleseth wanted top billing but got crushed by the powerful Derna Wylde publicly machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Planet of Dinosaurs.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
“Come on. I made cigarettes for breakfast. “
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Phoebe.
“Wait! Don’t re-toast the toast, you idiots!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Perc! Pop! Sprinkle!
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fugitive Rage
Movie: Then you must have a very big ass.
“Sounds like ‘Tom’s Diner’ as performed by John Cage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: People Soup.
“‘Pearl of the Orient’ is the name of my drag cabaret character.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Pearl of the Orient.
“Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide. Then, you know, Chewbacca’s out.”
Star Wars riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Patriotism.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Speedo Wearing Clowns” Sketch
Mike: I hate parades of aquatic champions. I’m scared of the Speedo wearing clowns.
“Look at that, poor kid’s addicted to sandwich fumes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Paper and I.
“Maybe he should try the Red Cross guide to sacking it up.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Overcoming Fear.
“The Count from Sesame Street has finally gone folk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey.
“Monkeys—always secreting hydrochloric acid.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: One Got Fat.
“Ophelia Dinsmore? That’s a flat out Monty Python name.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: On Guard – Bunco!
“Is now the time to tell them I’m Robert Smigel? No, not yet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Omega Cop.
Riff & React: Mary Jo & Oh, Boy! Babies!
Movie: Okay everybody, let’s get them diapered.
“The good, the bad, and the straight to video.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion 2: Backlash.
“One request, have townsfolk throw mud instead of tomatoes at me. I have a lycopene allergy.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion.
“For instance, my hair says that I’m a pedantic douche.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nutrition: The All-American Meal.
“He’s the John Cage’s 4’33” of taking a dump.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Krasner.
“Well, anyway, here’s my speech entitled ‘Things I Shouldn’t Have Licked.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Gives a Speech.
“Want to lick my squirrel?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Checks In.
“Yah, we need the reggae music now, Mary Jo. We make everybody feel high.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Nobody Tells Me What to Do!
“Enjoy the Dragon Sound concert tonight, kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: No Retreat, No Surrender.
“Make them suffer. Only let them have access to those weird video games you can play on hotel room TVs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
“Five budget items? I have twice that many bills in mail order meat club subscriptions alone.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts: SF Sketchfest 2016.
“This looks like something that would appear in Homer Simpson’s head when he was supposed to be reading a safety manual.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Cracker.
“Kindergarten: over ninety-percent ‘storage problem solving!'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts – SF Sketchfest 2015.
“Why not? You’re five. It’s time to know your flour sifters!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Night of the Shorts – SF Sketchfest 2013.
“A pork pie hat and an ammo belt. There’s my new look gentlemen.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Living Dead (Three Riffer Edition).
“Rabbits look like they’re posing for their album cover. Lead singer in the middle. Guitarist on the right. Idiot replacement drummer on the top.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Night of the Lepus.
Keep Rolling! 
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