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…Because some Riffs have it coming!

Written by RifftraxJuly 17, 2020July 11, 2020

“Yep. Just an old man, with a sharp weapon, stamping baby butts on a conveyor belt. You know.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Festival of Fun Days.

Written by RifftraxJuly 16, 2020July 11, 2020

“Oh gross. The ‘last burst’ is that pimple popping website.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Beyond Christmas.

Written by RifftraxJuly 15, 2020July 11, 2020

“Is there a human who can do that? I’m not comfortable with talking rumina.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

Written by RifftraxJuly 14, 2020July 11, 2020

“Oh, when I get bored I mutilate phallic objects.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!

Written by RifftraxJuly 13, 2020July 11, 2020

“Hey, tough guy. Yo, big shooter. Hey, steak escape. Ho ho, funky bunch.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Night Before Christmas.

Written by RifftraxJuly 12, 2020July 11, 2020

“Okay, now try beckoning not like a wraith trying to lure us into a hell dimension.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Song For Santa.

Written by RifftraxJuly 11, 2020July 10, 2020

“Yep, I’d love to help, but I’m spreading leptospirosis into this water right now.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.

Written by RifftraxJuly 10, 2020July 1, 2020

“Hey Timmy, could you grab my balls like 100 percent less?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

Written by RifftraxJuly 9, 2020June 30, 2020

“The script is a Google voice transcript of someone yelling at their phone from the other end of the gymnasium.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!

Written by RifftraxJuly 8, 2020July 8, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Polonia Brothers Erotica Sketch”

Kevin: Oh yes. Soap up there, mustache. That’s how Kevie likes it.

Written by RifftraxJuly 7, 2020June 30, 2020

“Oh, when I get bored I mutilate phallic objects.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-stravaganza!

Written by RifftraxJuly 6, 2020July 1, 2020

“The new Marmadukes are in. This will keep us laughing for months.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.

Written by RifftraxJuly 5, 2020June 30, 2020

“Kids love it when furries have labor disputes.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness.

Written by RifftraxJuly 4, 2020July 1, 2020

PixTrax: “Ladies and gentlemen, the White Stripes babies.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus.

Written by RifftraxJuly 3, 2020July 1, 2020

“Sure, text books. Add those to the list of things that belong in a little girl’s room right under full-size piano and tree candles.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Dream.

Written by RifftraxJuly 2, 2020July 1, 2020

“Oh boy! I’ve always wanted a creepy bandleader who says ‘yowser. ‘”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Gifts From The Air.

Written by RifftraxJuly 1, 2020July 1, 2020

“I don’t know. I don’t think, say Carl Reiner, has a lot of growing up to do.”

Carl Reiner March 20, 1922 – June 29, 2020

Written by RifftraxJune 30, 2020June 16, 2020

“Fake Roger Daltrey is just pissed because she stepped on his chance to do a ‘meet the new boss, same as the old boss’ thing.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.

Written by RifftraxJune 29, 2020June 16, 2020

“Nikki Sixx once woke up with a needle still in his arm, but you know, respectfully doing household chores is pretty metal too.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.

Written by RifftraxJune 28, 2020June 18, 2020

Riff & React: “Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.”

Movie: Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.

Written by RifftraxJune 27, 2020June 18, 2020

“Cyrus Clemmons, he use to play saxophone with Bryce Sprungsteen, Steamy Zan Fant, Jack Steinberg, and the rest of the Three Street Band.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flatts.

Written by RifftraxJune 26, 2020June 18, 2020

“Well, his hatred of doors is nothing compared to my hatred of The Doors.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Tourist Trap.

Written by RifftraxJune 25, 2020June 18, 2020

“They loved super annoying noise in the sixties. I mean, between this and The Doors.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.

Written by RifftraxJune 24, 2020June 24, 2020

PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis has seen better days.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Beast of the Yellow Night.

Written by RifftraxJune 23, 2020June 18, 2020

PixTrax: “Operator, I’m wearing a thing that makes me look like Anthony Kiedis.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Last Woman on Earth.

Written by RifftraxJune 22, 2020June 18, 2020

PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis, civil servant.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Death Promise.

Written by RifftraxJune 21, 2020June 18, 2020

“The young tramp was before the tramp got powers and became Supertramp.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sunset Strip.

Written by RifftraxJune 20, 2020June 17, 2020

PixTrax: “The Journey and Boston album covers are at war.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.

Written by RifftraxJune 19, 2020June 17, 2020

“‘Uncharted Journeys to the Sun,’ is this a mellow crooner cover of a Rush song?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.

Written by RifftraxJune 18, 2020June 17, 2020

PixTrax: “If you stare into it long enough you join Emerson, Lake and Palmer.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Return.

Written by RifftraxJune 17, 2020June 16, 2020

“Oh great! Now, a prog rock concert is gonna to start. Run kid, run.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.

Written by RifftraxJune 16, 2020June 16, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Emerson, Lake and Palmer Song Is Trying to Start Sketch”

Mike: An Emerson, Lake and Palmer song is trying to start!

Written by RifftraxJune 15, 2020June 11, 2020

“Based on the noise, I’d say we’re hiding in Keith Emerson’s closet.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare.

Written by RifftraxJune 14, 2020June 11, 2020

“I thought phony Beatlemania had bitten the dust. Was everything The Clash taught me a lie?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Apple.

Written by RifftraxJune 13, 2020June 11, 2020

“Glen Danzig will watch you bathe outdoors. Just try our new service. Get 15 percent off your first order with discount code ‘Glen Danzig will watch you bathe outdoors.'”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Berserker: Hell’s Warrior.

Written by RifftraxJune 12, 2020June 9, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Boys Sketch”

Mike: Maybe these are “The Boys?”

Written by RifftraxJune 11, 2020June 9, 2020

“It looks like a hotel room that got trashed by The Decemberists.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Setting Up A Room.

Written by RifftraxJune 10, 2020June 7, 2020

“I don’t know. This underwater stage production of The Wall just isn’t hitting home for me.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.

Written by RifftraxJune 9, 2020June 7, 2020

“Big missed opportunity not queuing up something off of Atom Heart Mother for this fight.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.

Written by RifftraxJune 8, 2020June 7, 2020

PixTrax: “Someday, Pink Floyd will record a song about this.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.

Written by RifftraxJune 7, 2020June 2, 2020

“Patty Smyth is pissed. She’s going to shoot at them like they’re the walls of heartache.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bounty Tracker.

Written by RifftraxJune 6, 2020June 2, 2020

“‘Rumours on the Street,’ Fleetwood Mac’s unfortunate attempt at a hip hop album.”

Riff Pulled from RiffTrax: Velvet Smooth.

Written by RifftraxJune 5, 2020June 2, 2020

“We’ll go our own way per Fleetwood Mac’s advice.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.

Written by RifftraxJune 4, 2020June 2, 2020

“Okay, Fleetwood Mac rules. Everyone grab a new partner and switch beds.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.

Written by RifftraxJune 3, 2020June 2, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Dresden 1945 Sketch”

Mike: Mmm, I guess we’re in Dresden 1945?

Written by RifftraxJune 2, 2020June 1, 2020

“Lumbering numbskulls. Unthinking. Unquestioning in their obedience. Yep, Morrissey fans every one.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Horror Express.

Written by RifftraxJune 1, 2020June 1, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Are You Ready To Rock Sketch”

Kevin: Are you ready to rock?

Written by RifftraxMay 31, 2020May 25, 2020

“Use the Force, Zindy.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Zindy The Swamp Boy.

Written by RifftraxMay 30, 2020May 25, 2020

“So they all have regrettable Star Wars tattoos. Who cares?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yesterday’s Target.

Written by RifftraxMay 29, 2020May 16, 2020

“I feel a great disturbance in the Yambao.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Yambao.

Written by RifftraxMay 28, 2020May 16, 2020

“So, throwing tantrums is his main power. He’s like a way cooler version of Kylo Ren.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Wes Craven’s Mind Ripper.

Written by RifftraxMay 27, 2020May 16, 2020

“So, is he a padawan learner or a stormtrooper? These Star Wars Blu-rays are really confusing.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Warriors of the Wasteland.

Written by RifftraxMay 26, 2020May 26, 2020

“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes–two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.

Written by RifftraxMay 25, 2020May 25, 2020

“Malla? They’re praying to Chewbacca’s wife?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness.

Written by RifftraxMay 24, 2020May 16, 2020

Riff & React: “There’s a force in this room.”

Movie: There’s a force in this room.

Written by RifftraxMay 23, 2020May 16, 2020

“I assume for 1930s audiences seeing this pack of dogs on screen was the equivalent of a hundred Death Stars.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Most Dangerous Game.

Written by RifftraxMay 22, 2020November 27, 2020

RiffTrax Tracks: “Can It Nerd”

“Can It Nerd” pulled from RiffTrax: The Little Unicorn.

Written by RifftraxMay 21, 2020May 16, 2020

“Ah, Luke is here to free Leia and Han from—I’m kidding. It’s a barely disguised Jaime Pressly.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Journey: Absolution.

Written by RifftraxMay 20, 2020May 16, 2020

“Always have to take an elective before you begin Jedi training.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bride and The Beast.

Written by RifftraxMay 19, 2020May 16, 2020

“I got metachorlreians coming out of my ass, I tells ya.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Supersonic Man.

Written by RifftraxMay 18, 2020May 16, 2020

“You call that a hyperdrive? I’ve seen more torque on a BB-8.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Star Games.

Written by RifftraxMay 17, 2020May 16, 2020

“A text from General Akbar. It says: ‘It’s a tra’–I’ll finish it later. “

Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer.

Written by RifftraxMay 16, 2020May 14, 2020

“Reno: the Tosche Station of Nevada.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.

Written by RifftraxMay 15, 2020May 14, 2020

“The last person I was this happy to see burn was Anakin Skywalker.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ghost House.

Written by RifftraxMay 14, 2020May 13, 2020

“Not to be confused with ‘Fisto Fury.’ That is some very disturbing fan fiction about Kit Fitso.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Fist of Fury.

Written by RifftraxMay 13, 2020May 13, 2020

“They did it. They invented a kid more annoying then Jake Lloyd. I didn’t think it was possible.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Firehead.

Written by RifftraxMay 12, 2020May 11, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Undramatic Digital Fantasy Effects Sketch”

Kevin: So, at what age do you stop being interested in really undramatic digital fantasy effects?

Written by RifftraxMay 11, 2020May 11, 2020

PixTrax: “R2 fell in with some bad droids.”

PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who: Daleks – Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.

Written by RifftraxMay 10, 2020May 2, 2020

“Someday, with any luck, I’ll be ‘Grand Moff’ of a place like this.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dr. Who and The Daleks.

Written by RifftraxMay 9, 2020May 9, 2020

“Ohh, this one’s big enough to tauntaun.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Deadly Prey.

Written by RifftraxMay 8, 2020May 9, 2020

“Yeah, it’s a bit late to start dropping fourth-rate Han Solo quips, pal.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cyber Tracker.

Written by RifftraxMay 7, 2020May 2, 2020

Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”

Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.

Written by RifftraxMay 6, 2020May 2, 2020

“They can’t fix the bike until their nephew returns with some power converters.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Cool as Ice.

Written by RifftraxMay 5, 2020May 2, 2020

“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.

Written by RifftraxMay 4, 2020May 2, 2020

“Hey, a stormtrooper finally hit somebody.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Battlefield Earth.

Written by RifftraxMay 3, 2020May 1, 2020

“This excitement is what Star Wars failed to deliver by not showing Luke picking up the power converters at Tosche Station.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Attack From Space.

Written by RifftraxMay 2, 2020May 1, 2020

PixTrax: “Welcome to Skywalker Ranch.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Alien Outlaw.

Written by RifftraxMay 1, 2020May 1, 2020

“147 parsecs!?! Han Solo could have made the Kessel Run 12 times by now.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe.

Written by RifftraxApril 30, 2020April 30, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The I’m Gonna Come Back and Haunt You, Okay? Speech”

“Ohai Mark. Hai Denny. Hai Lisa.

Written by RifftraxApril 29, 2020April 11, 2020

“Even in death he smells of expired buttermilk.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 28, 2020April 11, 2020

“The unspecified banking industry has just been hell lately.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 27, 2020April 11, 2020

“I’m pretty sure your boyfriend is a dried apple in a wig.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 26, 2020April 11, 2020

“This is all wrong. This isn’t how people play football. Where’s the tuxes?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 25, 2020April 11, 2020

“In terms of erotic moments, this rates right in between Craig Stadler’s win at the ’82 Masters and President Taft’s inauguration.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 24, 2020April 11, 2020

“Oh baby, talk naughty to me in an incomprehensible accent.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 23, 2020April 11, 2020

“Hot chocolate and a mint tea, are you guys headed to Lilithfair?”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 22, 2020April 11, 2020

“Not like jean jackets, man. Jean jackets make total sense to me.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 21, 2020April 24, 2020

“He’s like Richard Nixon setting up the Watergate recordings only not as sexy.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 20, 2020April 11, 2020

“It is pretty customary to buy your mother-in-law’s friend a house.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 19, 2020April 11, 2020

“I think I broke me underwears.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 18, 2020April 11, 2020

“Sorry guys, I miss read the email. Thought we were meeting on the fake roof not the fake alley.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 17, 2020April 11, 2020

“He’s so dreamy in a Macaroni Grill waiter kinda of way.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 16, 2020April 11, 2020

“Gentlemen, please. I am wearing a beanie!”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 15, 2020April 16, 2020

“Yeah, and that’s why Russel Stover was just drowning in poon.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 14, 2020April 14, 2020

“My banking shirt. I need that for banking.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 13, 2020April 16, 2020

Riff & React: “If you love me you’ll drink this.”

Movie: If you love me you’ll drink this.

Written by RifftraxApril 12, 2020April 12, 2020

“Ah yes, Dominos’ I-was-born-without-taste-buds special.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 11, 2020April 11, 2020

Sketches & Speeches: “The Efficient Sex Scene Sketch”

Kevin: Now, why can’t the sex scenes be that efficient?

Written by RifftraxApril 10, 2020April 9, 2020

“It’s a selection from Tommy Wiseau’s vineyard. Nobody knows what country it’s from and most people don’t want it near the table while they’re eating.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

Written by RifftraxApril 9, 2020April 2, 2020

“Just sitting next to a framed picture of a spoon.”

Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Room.

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