Sketches & Speeches: “The El Paso Sketch”
Kevin: This looks vaguely familiar. Oh right, my vacation footage from when I went to hell.
Category: Horror
“Next week on ‘Elderly Women Rummaging Through Things.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Stitches.
“‘Crowbar Hunter’ a new series on the Learning Channel.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Giant From the Unknown.
“And now back to the ‘Real World: Nilbog.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Troll 2.
“‘One Guy Eats While Two Other Guys Watch’ will return after this.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Grizzly.
Riff & React: Kevin & Fever Lake
Movie: The evil is coming.
“Next week on ‘Law and Order: Dumpster Pusher Unit.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The House On Sorority Row.
“Law and Order: Teen Interrogation Unit.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Slumber Party.
“‘Law and Order: Special Gardening Unit.’ Drop your compost and spread ’em!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Atom Age Vampire (Matthew J. Elliott and Ian Potter).
“Satan talks to Mona, tonight on ‘Who’s The Boss?'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark.
“We now return to ‘Robert Z’Dar Puts On A Lab Coat and Makes a Grilled Cheese’ already in progress.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flatts.
“And now back to this week’s episode of ‘Hi Honey, I’m Homo Erectus.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Dinosaurus!
“‘Cat Lover and The Software Salesman,’ this fall on the CW.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Birdemic: Shock and Terror.
“It’s a wacky comedy about how she was shot in the head, so she moves to L.A. and gets a job on a small TV news station.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Sisters of Death.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Bird Plague Movie” Sketch
Mike: I just don’t understand how we’re this far into a bird plague movie with no discussion of stock options.
“The high society equivalent of ‘uhh, I hear a mountain lion.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Power.
Riff & React: “Bigfoot was forced to retreat deeper into the timberlands.”
Movie: Bigfoot was forced to retreat deeper into the timberlands.
“Spruce bark beetles. I’d know their foul handiwork anywhere.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Grizzly.
“I see a mountain lion. I got to get back to my house. You better get back to your car.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Day of the Animals.
“Oh, I hear a mountain lion!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Blood Theater.
“Ot-oh, we got a Birdemic situation. She’s going to Becky-it up out there.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Grizzly.
“Rest of the movie is her picking up Rod from Birdemic and comparing their Mustangs’ mpg.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Astro Zombies.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Rod From Birdemic” Sketch
Kevin: This feels like Rod Sterling should step out and do a monologue.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Young James Nguyen” Sketch
Bill: Okay, it’s not a coat hanger but it’s very close.
PixTrax: “Don’t let James Nguyen put footage of this in a terrible movie.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Psycho II.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Directed By Mr. James Nguyen” Sketch
Mike: Parking scene guest directed by Mr. James Nguyen.
“James Nguyen waves his coat hanger as a sign of respect.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rats Night of Terror.
“Finally, a movie that does for aimless scuba diving what Birdemic did for gradual driving and parking.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Our First Birdemic” Sketch
Kevin: Ot-oh, she’s going to pull a Becky on the beach.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Imagine Sketch”
Bill: Is the soundtrack trying to become John Lennon’s “Imagine” or am I just a dreamer?
“This is like if the first Wings album started with two minutes of ‘Hey Jude.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Psycho II.
Sketches & Speeches: The “If Dogs Wrote The Beatles Songs” Sketch
Bill: He’s laughing cause he remembers that great hashtag pun on Twitter last night.
PixTrax: “Sam is the Katzman. Yeah, he’s the Katzman.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.
Riff & React: “Close your eyes.”
Movie: Close your eyes.
PixTrax: “This is The Beatles lowest moment since ‘Wild Honey Pie.'”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Terror at Tenkiller.
Riff & React: Bill & Retro Puppet Master
Movie: I’m sorry my friends. I’m sorry I failed you and I’m sorry that I need your help.
Riff & React: Mike & Kiss of the Tarantula
Movie: How can two brothers be so different?
Riff & React: Kevin & Hillbillys in a Haunted House
Movie: It’s so elegant.
Riff & React: Kevin & Zombie: I Eat Your Skin
Movie: Please don’t touch it.
Riff & React: Mike & Nightmare at Noon
Movie: I Love You.
Riff & React: Kevin & The Dark Power
Ms. Dalton: Mr. Girard, what are you doing here?
Riff & React: Mary Jo & Bride of the Gorilla
Movie: Don’t fight before dinner.
Riff & React: Kevin & Tourist Trap
Movie: Feels like flesh.
Riff & React: Mike & “MANOS” The Hands of Fate
Movie: No matter where we go, he is with us.
Riff & React: Kevin & Blood Theatre
Movie: What did we do to deserve to be sent to this pit?
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Ice Cream Man
Mike: Golden Corral’s new slogan—ah dang, I can’t quite make that work.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant
“‘I’m hungry, imbecile.’ Golden Corral’s new slogan.”
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By Carnival of Souls.
Movie: It was unsanitary but delicious.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Night of the Yellow Beast
Movie: Come now, it’s good meat. Probably better than anything you ever tasted. Eat, my boy.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fever Lake… Again!
Movie: I’m telling you it’s going to blow.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Fever Lake
Movie: Cause what I’m about to do isn’t legal and I don’t want any witnesses.
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Rats Night of Terror
Movie: Hey, food!
Golden Corral’s New Slogan Served By Subspecies IV: The Awakening
Movie: Have you tasted blood?
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served by Vengeance of the Dead
“Golden Corral’s new slogan.”
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By Uninvited
“‘Here pussy, have some food.’ Golden Corral’s new slogan.”
“Golden Corral’s New Slogan” Served By Giant From The Unknown
Movie: This is a bad place for you to be. Only evil can come through here.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Polonia Brothers Erotica Sketch”
Kevin: Oh yes. Soap up there, mustache. That’s how Kevie likes it.
“The new Marmadukes are in. This will keep us laughing for months.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Jack Frost.
“Nikki Sixx once woke up with a needle still in his arm, but you know, respectfully doing household chores is pretty metal too.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Riff & React: “Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.”
Movie: Like it’s warm; the arms hold you tight; it’s dark.
“Cyrus Clemmons, he use to play saxophone with Bryce Sprungsteen, Steamy Zan Fant, Jack Steinberg, and the rest of the Three Street Band.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flatts.
“Well, his hatred of doors is nothing compared to my hatred of The Doors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Tourist Trap.
PixTrax: “Anthony Kiedis has seen better days.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: The Beast of the Yellow Night.
“‘Uncharted Journeys to the Sun,’ is this a mellow crooner cover of a Rush song?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ruby.
“Oh great! Now, a prog rock concert is gonna to start. Run kid, run.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Emerson, Lake and Palmer Song Is Trying to Start Sketch”
Mike: An Emerson, Lake and Palmer song is trying to start!
“Based on the noise, I’d say we’re hiding in Keith Emerson’s closet.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare.
“I don’t know. This underwater stage production of The Wall just isn’t hitting home for me.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bermuda Triangle.
PixTrax: “Someday, Pink Floyd will record a song about this.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Maniac.
“Okay, Fleetwood Mac rules. Everyone grab a new partner and switch beds.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Dresden 1945 Sketch”
Mike: Mmm, I guess we’re in Dresden 1945?
“Lumbering numbskulls. Unthinking. Unquestioning in their obedience. Yep, Morrissey fans every one.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Presents: Horror Express.
“So, throwing tantrums is his main power. He’s like a way cooler version of Kylo Ren.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Wes Craven’s Mind Ripper.
“Let’s see, damp basement, bearded guys in capes–two strong indicators that the people around you care deeply whether Han shot first.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Voodoo Man.
Riff & React: “There’s a force in this room.”
Movie: There’s a force in this room.
“I assume for 1930s audiences seeing this pack of dogs on screen was the equivalent of a hundred Death Stars.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Most Dangerous Game.
“Always have to take an elective before you begin Jedi training.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bride and The Beast.
“Reno: the Tosche Station of Nevada.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Godmonster of Indian Flats.
“The last person I was this happy to see burn was Anakin Skywalker.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ghost House.
Riff & React: “It happened two million years ago.”
Movie: It happened two million years ago. Mike: —but enough about the last good Star Wars movie. Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Curse of Bigfoot.
“Hey, that mace looks heavy pal. Don’t let the Mace Windu. I’ll see myself out.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
“Well, I’m glad this isn’t ‘Tara in the Wax Museum.’ Just two hours of Tara Reid wondering around a wax museum looking confused.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Terror in the Wax Museum.
“Whatever you do, do not google ‘Chicago Boy Films.'”
First riff from RiffTrax: Fever Lake.
“Filmark. Like Noah’s Ark if all the animals were very sick.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Robo Vampire.
“The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunderstorm storm warning as well as a severely cheesy movie watch.”
First riff from RiffTrax: The Bride and The Beast.
“Woolner Brothers. Hey Warner Brothers, does your “w” have a really cool flame on top of it? Yeah, we didn’t think so.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Hillbillys in a Haunted House.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Day The First Man Sketch.”
Mike: The day Lincoln got shot.
“Fear! My reaction to new ideas and surroundings.”
First riff from RiffTrax Presents: Fear.
“You remember before Bernie Sanders, when the country was crawling with Polonia bros.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders 2: Slay Bells.
“My kids never forgive me when I bought Super Polonia Brothers for Nintendo.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Feeders.
“Ah man, I got to mail this to Roger. He of all people will love this vengeance needs blood. Ha! Ha! Ha! That is so up Roger’s alley.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror.
PixTrax: “A font that says I hate your eyes.”
First riff from RiffTrax: Frankenstein Island.
Speeches & Sketches: “The Four Seasons For Life Sketch”
Kevin: The Frankie Valli Institute!?! Ah crap, I was hoping for a sneak preview of The Jersey Boys film adaptation.
Sketches & Speeches: Bill Corbett’s “My Dearest Aunt Evelyn Speech”
“My dearest Aunt Evelyn… The birds overcame us at dawn today. So many succumbed to their taunts and acidic poo. There are no words proper which to describe the calamity and ruination in this war of avian aggression. Your loving nephew, Milo.” Bill Corbett’s “My Dearest Aunt Evelyn Speech” pulled RiffTrax Live: Birdemic.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Dear Diary Sketch”
Bill: Dear Diary, Mr. Clifford was worse than useless. He just sat there pretending to be dead most of the time.
Speeches & Sketches: Kevin Murphy’s “Wade William’s Go To Guy Speech”
“Ah yeah, Herbert Tevos he was Wade William’s go to guy every time he had a Lost Women project cued up. ‘Hey, where are the women lost this time, Wade?’ ‘On a mesa.’ ‘Well damn, you got to put me on this project. If you don’t have a soundtrack yet, I know this guy who […]
Sketches & Speeches: “The Zombie Attack Sketch”
Bill: Ah, just as things are looking up for her—getting rid of a douchey husband—zombie attack. Isn’t that always the way though.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Andromeda Strain/Alien Sketch”
Mike: Hey, you got your Andromeda Strain in my Alien.
Sketches & Speeches: “The White Trash Twilight Skit”
Kevin: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan’s white trash phase…
