Riff & React: Kevin & Total Riff Off Episode 4: Man V. Monster
Movie: I could soon be face-to-face with a monster.
Category: Kevin Murphy
“You know, if she didn’t do all this crap maybe she wouldn’t have grandma toes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Toes Tell/Whose Shoes?
“They are running out of rhymes, they’ll have to go with Peter Tork.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Three Magic Words.
“The number one and number two reasons for missed baseball games: Tommy John surgery and bracket repair.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Things Are Different Now.
“You know, of all the things I thought we’d see in this movie, the deflowering of a camping stove is not one of them”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Wonderful Land of Oz.
“No one’s home. Time for some trademark Glen Ford skinny dipping. Just got to sunscreen-up the Glen Ford junk.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Visitor.
“Now there are tampons in the cigarette machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Trouble With Women.
“But then I remembered Chuck is a heroin addict. Our supply was probably where it always was in the bag labeled heroin right in the cabinet labeled heroin.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Terrible Truth.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Talking Cat!?!” Sketch
Kevin: The talking cat!?!
“These two are about as covert as a pride parade.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness.
“I should warn you, my pants have a touch of Lycra for an easy feel.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Retrievers.
“So, she’s just going to sit there in the duck urine?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Red Hen.
“The door just opened and now it smells like Bela Lugosi in here. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Phantom Creeps.
“What child wouldn’t want a swan replica?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Night Before Christmas.
“I’m going with ‘D’ because ‘Bedonger’ is a hilarious name.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Mysterious Message.
“Hey, if you come across Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly, run. They’re just making it up as they go.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Most Dangerous Game.
“Watching one pool through another pool—this world is very pool-based.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Magic Sword.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Piltdown Man” Sketch
Mike: Whoa, he went there.
“All cartoons led me to believe that long underwear with butt flaps would be a bigger part of my life.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Little King: Christmas Night.
“‘That’s My Severed Trachea.’ This fall on TBS. Very funny.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: The Last Slumber Party.
“You know, first rule of good-guying, never let the villain dictate your quip game.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Journey: Absolution.
PixTrax: “Wow, the inner tube under your pants look was huge in the sixties.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Hothead / The Forgetter.
Riff & React: Kevin & The Hideous Sun Demon
Movie: Now, we know that each individual goes through this evolutionary process before he is born.
Sketches & Speeches: The “We Can Go Have Sex” Sketch
Kevin: We can go have sex.
“She’s like Sgt. Shultz but with a better midriff.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Girl from Rio.
“Finally, all the fun of looking at a fish tank without having to actually look at a fish tank.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The Fish That Nearly Drowned.
“Did we order an ass?”
Riff pulled from The Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark.
“Oddball times like 5 quirky and 17 o’clock.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Dark Power.
“Always have to take an elective before you begin Jedi training.”
Star Wars Riff pulled from RiffTrax: The Bride and the Beast.
“’Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel’ is the greatest film of all-time.”
The First Riff from RiffTrax: The Alien Dead.
“Holy crap, Inglewood likes to compost!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: The ABC of Walking Wisely.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Nick Swardson” Sketch
Kevin: There’s no high hat. Where am I?
“This looks like a job for my lemon bar recipe.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Telephone for Help.
“Oh, I know this place. When I was a kid we called this ‘Swamp of the Ravens’ which was obviously stupid because these birds are buzzards. Ha. Ha. Stupid kids who luckily don’t title movies.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Swamp of the Ravens.
Riff & React: Kevin & Super Mario Bros.
Movie: This pit hole. Germs everywhere. Fungus.
“The Doom engine from 1993 is super cinematic.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Suburban Sasquatch.
“There was a sale on Go-GURT this week. We’re going to be rich.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Stone Cold.
“Very few know of the dark and evil powers of concentrated 7-Up.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Stitches
Sketches & Speeches: The “Which Brian?” Sketch
Kevin: Which Brian? I’m lost and I’m a Brian.
“Critics agree, no movie has more incoherent bus chatter than Spiker.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Spiker.
“No, it was the constant scarecrow cosplay that worried them.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Soapy The Germ Fighter (Live Edition).
“Tool Sheds Enterers, this fall on Nat Geo Channel.”
Television Teaser pulled from RiffTrax: Sisters of Death.
“Anybody need anything Walked or Texas ranged?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Silent Rage.
“I hope you kids like Scotch.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Shy Guy.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Family’s Domestic Love and Bliss” Sketch
Mike: Alright, I’ve seen a lot of movies and I can tell you exactly where this is going.
“Oh knee buttons, will you ever bring me peace?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Santa’s Summer House.
“And the children are thrown into a frenzy not seen since Stravinsky debuted The Rite of Spring.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Narrating Another Woman” Sketch
Kevin: That night, mother found out father had been narrating another woman.
“Young Bruce Springsteen, you stop running right now. And no, you are not born to do it, mister.”
Rock ‘n’ Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Safe Living at School.
“I think I ruptured my bowl full of jelly.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
RiffTrax Tracks: “We Accept The Challenge”
“We Accept The Challenge” pulled from RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.
“Judson Landis will collaborate anything if the price is right. He’s a collabo-whore.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Right or Wrong?
“A Plymouth Reliant shot through a chain link fence? Dial back the visual splendor please!”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Time Chasers.
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Movie: I never saw such lazy people.
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Samurai Cop
Movie: Feel like somebody stuck a big club up my ass and it hurts.
“Or my name isn’t the Dad from Alf.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Reefer Madness.
“Attention aliens, will you leave if we give you Shirley MacLaine?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Live: Plan 9 From Outer Space.
PixTrax: “Hey, it’s the director.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax Live: Octaman.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Zombies Reminiscing” Sketch
Bill: Meanwhile the zombies are out there drinking PBR and reminiscing
Sketches & Speeches: The “Dragon Sound and Friendship For Life” Sketch.
Kevin: Well, that’s it. I’m burning all my Beatles albums. Dragon Sound and friendship for life. Yeah!
Riff & React: Kevin & RiffTrax Live: Jack the Giant Killer
Movie: We have plans to make. The dawn comes much too soon.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Fish Licker”
“Fish Licker” pulled from RiffTrax Live: Hobgoblins.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Castlefield” Sketch
Mike: Castleton college?
“I don’t think we can survive on boogers.”
Riff pulled from Holiday From Rules.
Nick Nolte Moment From Halloween Safety 2: Even Safer
Kevin: Hey, Nick Nolte!?!
RiffTrax Tracks: “Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski”
“Don’t You Bastards Try To Ski” pulled from RiffTrax: Copper Mountain.
RiffTrax Track: “Clockwise (Number #9)”
The Beatles RiffTrax Track pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Rhythmic Ball Skills.
“All my best teachers stood six inches from my face and whispered their lessons creepily in my ear.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Retro Puppet Master.
“Your name is Dog Balls McQuack?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Remember Me.
Riff & React: Kevin & Reading: Who needs it?
Movie: And I don’t need no English.
“Keep Rolling” From Rats: Night of Terror
Mike: Opps. Scrolling text missed its cue.
PixTrax: “I write Drupal code.”
PixTrax pulled from RiffTrax: Radical Jack.
“And I do mean crawl. You see folks, I’m secretly a baby.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: R.O.T.O.R.
RiffTrax Tracks: “Truck Driving Blues”
“Truck Driving Blues” pulled from RiffTrax: Psychotronic Man.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gary Gygax” Sketch
Mike: Hey, I just got a note from the ghost of Gary Gygax.
“I hear the name Ruth G. Strickland and I imagine Donald Rumsfeld in drag.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Prickly the Porcupine.
“How much do you know about Vermont’s cheddar mining industry?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Pressure Point.
“We need the movie in our monitors.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Play Safe (Live Edition).
“I’m sorry, but I really can’t tolerate any non erection-based lighting systems at the moment.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Plankton.
“Mary Appleseth wanted top billing but got crushed by the powerful Derna Wylde publicly machine.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Planet of Dinosaurs.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Citizen Kane of Bad Movies” Sketch
Mike: And here we go with the Citizen Kane of bad movies.
“Sounds like ‘Tom’s Diner’ as performed by John Cage.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: People Soup.
“Look at that, poor kid’s addicted to sandwich fumes.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Paper and I.
“The good, the bad, and the straight to video.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Oblivion 2: Backlash.
“Well, anyway, here’s my speech entitled ‘Things I Shouldn’t Have Licked.'”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Gives a Speech.
“Want to lick my squirrel?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Norman Checks In.
“Enjoy the Dragon Sound concert tonight, kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: No Retreat, No Surrender.
“Make them suffer. Only let them have access to those weird video games you can play on hotel room TVs.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Ninja Warlord.
Riff & React: Kevin & Neutron The Atomic Superman vs. The Death Robots
Movie: This is Professor Mensies.
“Whose natural poured concrete habitat had been meticulously recreated.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mr. Moto Takes a Walk.
“Best anal glands in the business, kids.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mother Goose’s Birthday Party with Ronald McDonald.
Sketches & Speeches: The “Doing Words” Sketch
Mike: Doing words? Oh, let’s see. Well, roast comes to mind. Also, parboil, saute, baste, marinate, and dice.
“If we don’t hurry, all the good husbands will be taken.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Molly Grows Up.
“Would a guy with a velvet bull fighter painting lie?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax: Missile to the Moon
Sketches & Speeches: The “Gritty Reboot” Sketch
Kevin: It’s the gritty reboot of ‘Setting Up A Room.’
“Okay, this sword fight is reaching ‘Hey Jude’ levels of over-staying its welcome.”
Beatles riff pulled from RiffTrax: Merlin: The Return.
“Are you my new dad this week?”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Measuring Man!
“Here’s a great educational program about digesting your food which is preventing you from digesting your food.”
Riff pulled from RiffTrax Shorts: Mealtime Manners & Health.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ninjas Suck Sketch”
Kevin: Wait! This guy—it just occurred to me—
Riff & React: Kevin & Martial Law 2
Movie: So, who’s the new girl?
Keep Rolling! 
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