Sketches & Speeches: Mike Nelson’s “I Must Toil Speech”
“Sure sounds like some other kids are having fun outside,
Category: Riffers
Sketches & Speeches: “The Bruce Springsteen’s Trailer Sketch”
Bill: Bruce Springsteen lives in a construction trailer?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Scold the Milk Sketch”
Mike: You have greatly disappointed me, milk.
Sketches & Speeches: Bridget Nelson’s “Mosh Pit Etiquette Speech”
“In the event of mosh pit, the boy pushes the girl from the back by the hips into the middle of the crowd. Or the girl holds tightly to the boy’s waist as he throws punches. Mosh pit etiquette calls for certain considerations that mean more fun for everyone. A courteous boy always picks up […]
Sketches & Speeches: “The Zombie Attack Sketch”
Bill: Ah, just as things are looking up for her—getting rid of a douchey husband—zombie attack. Isn’t that always the way though.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Ed McMahon Serious Threat Sketch”
Bill: These aliens move like barges. They’re too slow to be a serious threat.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Andromeda Strain/Alien Sketch”
Mike: Hey, you got your Andromeda Strain in my Alien.
Sketches & Speeches: “The White Trash Twilight Skit”
Kevin: Edward Cullen and Bella Swan’s white trash phase…
Sketches & Speeches: “The Titular Buffalo Rider Sketch”
Mike: He rides a buffalo mind you, but he’s not the titular buffalo rider. Gonna be awhile until we get to him. Bill: Ah, come on! Mike: We apologize for any inconvenience, but in the meantime, please enjoy this shot of a man sitting on a buffalo. Bill: So, this isn’t even Buffalo Jones, a […]
Speeches & Sketches: Mike Nelson’s “What Chekov Said Speech”
“Remember what Chekov said: ‘If you devote a good portion of Act One, talking about orange juice,
Sketches & Speeches: “The Missal to the Moon Sketch”
Bill: So, um, they’re referring to a rocket, right, and not ‘missal’ as in the Catholic prayer book?
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Horse Racing Sketch”
Janet: And straight out of the gate it’s Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah with a strong lead followed by Baby Got Back and Precious Moments, and Scarface, Wobble Maker, and Beep-Bop-Boo bringing up the rear.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Mr. Fujiyama’s Lawn Sketch”
Mike: It appears the real criminal here is whoever is charging Mr. Fujiyama for lawn care and landscaping.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Cumberbatch Sketch”
Mary Jo: Cumberbatch is back.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Corporate Murder Leadership Seminars Sketch”
Bill: Evil spirit’s axe focus seems inefficient. I mean had to go a long way to retrieve that axe, right? Probably passed by dozens of other perfectly good murder-implements. I’m just saying, diversify, it could be great for your growth potential.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Beige Sketch”
Ian: I’ve never seen a more beige film than this?
Sketches & Speeches: “The Buy You A Hamburger Sketch”
Kevin: Hey Mike, I’ll buy you a hamburger.
Sketches & Speeches: Bill Corbett’s “So You’re a Model” Speech
“So, you’re a model, huh? We don’t get a lot of them here.
Sketches & Speeches: “My Favorite Yambaó Sketch”
Mike: Ninón Sevilla is my favorite Yambaó.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Spaceship Cooling Down Sketch”
Mary Jo: Oh that’s right, there’s a spaceship cooling down.
Sketches & Speeches: “The NTC Software Sketch”
Kevin: So, then I started work at NTC Software. Have I told you about NTC Software, yet?
Sketches & Speeches: Bill Corbett’s “How Do I Know This You Ask Speech”
“How do I know this you ask? I’m in a bowling league with Starman.
Sketches & Speeches “The Swamp of Us Sketch”
Mike: Hi, we’re The Ravens. Welcome to this, the Swamp of Us. Please note we are not implying nor should you infer any ownership by us of the swamp.
Sketches & Speeches: “The Chinese New Year Sketch”
Mike: It’s their year of the cock celebration.
Sketches & Speeches: “The We Are Destroying Sketch”
Movie: Destroy! Destroy them!
RiffList: “Dave Ryder Nicknames”
Lump Drywall
Sketches & Speeches: “The Last Slumber Party Players Sketch”
Kevin: It was all a dream!
“Remember when you opened the advent calendar door for Christmas Eve and inside there was a skunk operating industrial machinery?”
RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness
RiffTrax Tracks: “O Come, All Ye Pretty Woman”
RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Workshop
Sketches & Speeches: “The Adorable Tots Steel Cage Death Match Sketch”
Bill: It’s Lupita versus Cindy Lou Who and Zuzu Bailey in a steel cage death match. Three adorable tots enter. Only one will survive!
“For instance, did you know that Santa did a nickel in Greenville for check kiting?”
RiffTrax Shorts: A Visit to Santa
Sketches & Speeches: “The Guy from Simply Red Speech”
Kevin: On the right there, is that the guy from Simply Red?
RiffTrax Tracks: “Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas Trees”
RiffTrax: Christmas Circus
PixTrax: “He’s really putting out the BTUs.”
RiffTrax Presents: Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year
‘Very gradual teleportation is one of Santa’s lesser known powers.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy
RiffTrax Tracks: “Christmas Dream”
RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Dream
“Merry Christmas, you bunch of scramblepusses!”
RiffTrax Shorts: Gifts from the Air
Sketches & Speeches: Kevin Murphy’s “Third Runner-Up” Speech
“And now, the third runner-up in our Christmas diorama contest this year.
“Santa, can this common beach gorilla help?”
RiffTrax Live: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
“You can’t have any goose though, Tim. Just your usual cripple’s gruel.”
RiffTrax Shorts: A Christmas Carol (Coronet)
Sketches and Speeches: “The 12 Days of Jack Frost Sketch”
Mike: Three meatheads staring.
PixTrax: “Do not open reporter till Christmas.”
RiffTrax: The Dark Power
“Yes, nothing says Christmas like a brown lawn and a stained driveway.”
RiffTrax: Christmas with RiffTrax featuring Magic Christmas Tree
Riff & React: “I guess you’re still the boss.”
Movie: I guess you’re still the boss.
“Hey kid, this is Christmas. Try to look a little less like a Dorothea Lange photo can you?”
RiffTrax Shorts: Christmas Customs Near and Far
“You have Santa’s loophole?”
RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening
“You know, I don’t approve of toys building other toys. It’s an unholy abomination.”
RiffTrax Live: Christmas Shorts-Stravaganza!
“Don’t give your elf Viagra.”
RiffTrax Shorts: The Shoemaker and the Elves
“Each year, countless children are taken by hobos and forced into a life of Christmas caroling. This is just one story.”
RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Charlie’s Christmas Secret
“Sweat really pooling up around my two turtle doves if you know what I mean.”
RiffTrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Sketches & Speeches: “The Christmas Nostalgia Sketch”
Bill: Yeah, gotta admit guys all this tender Christmas nostalgia is kinda getting to me.
“Keep that Batman smells to your self, kids. I will not have him defamed on my sleigh!”
RiffTrax: I Believe in Santa Claus
RiffTrax Track: “Beyond Jingle Bells”
RiffTrax Presents: Beyond Christmas
Sketches & Speeches: “The Thanksgiving Carols Sketch”
Kevin: Ah, Thanksgiving carols. I remember going door-to-door singing carols in exchange for turkey.
PixTrax: “Thanksgiving is a Native American word meaning obscenely tall candles?”
RiffTrax Shorts: Dining Together
“Next, pause movie, google ‘What the heck are giblets?,’ let the truth sink in, and continue with disgusted face.”
RiffTrax Presents: RiffTrax Shorts: Let’s Talk Turkey
“It was the best of turkeys, it was the worst of turkeys.”
RiffTrax Shorts: One Turkey, Two Turkey
“Modern plunger theory alone has become practically byzantine.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Color It Clean
“I hope they don’t have sleeves in jail.”
RiffTrax: Martial Law
“Tell Barney Rubble his wife’s hot.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Dinosaurs
PixTrax: “Can you confirm my resemblance to Sam Elliott, over?”
RiffTrax: Warriors of the Wasteland
“It’s mental health improv night. I need a location and a psychiatric disorder.”
RiffTrax: Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace
“She can ‘John’ my ‘Pertwee’ anytime.”
RiffTrax: Dr. Who and The Daleks
“And now it’s time for romantic carpentry.”
RiffTrax: Radical Jack
“He’s playing the home version of Broadchurch.”
RiffTrax: The Hideous Sun Demon
“He’s always bringing up his vasovagal syncope.”
RiffTrax Presents: Vacation Days
PixTrax: “The worst day of John Stossel’s life.”
RiffTrax: Subspecies IV: The Awakening
“Door Closers International. Wherever there’s a door open we are there.”
RiffTrax Presents: Atom Age Vampire
“Hiding behind cereal grains like a true action hero.”
RiffTrax: Karate Cop
RiffTrax Tracks: “The Plane”
RiffTrax: Contamination
“Stay tuned for Walter Cronkite’s erotic yoga.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Beginning Responsibility: Getting Ready for School
“Pepto-Bismol. Is that a good mixer?”
RiffTrax Live: Sharknado
PixTrax: “The sexy side of the Three Stooges.”
RiffTrax: Swing Parade
“Can you marry beer?”
RiffTrax Shorts: As We Like It
“Jack, you didn’t ‘Richard Gere’ the imp did you?”
RiffTrax: Jack the Giant Killer
PixTrax: “How can I fit more 2s on my hat?”
RiffTrax: Contamination
“I could be banging Marvin the Martian’s wife right now.”
RiffTrax: Feeders
“You borrowed some tampons, honey? Hey, I don’t make the heavy metal rules.”
RiffTrax: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare
“We both poop in a box on the floor.”
RiffTrax Shorts: Kitty Cleans Up
“They ventured across the galaxy to tease our cats!”
RiffTrax: The Visitor
“–And then doing some kind of monster mash described by horrified onlookers as a graveyard smash.”
RiffTrax Live: Night of the Living Dead
“The very definition of horror: Jeff Foxworthy in a muumuu.”
RiffTrax: “MANOS” Hands of Fate
“You know, chicks don’t understand that sometimes a monster just needs to get his mash on.”
RiffTrax: Beast of the Yellow Night
“You know the Exorcist was pretty scary, but it could have used more routine auto maintenance.”
RiffTrax Live: Carnival of Souls
“Gotta love a train service run by the Catholic church. They always pull out on time.”
RiffTrax Presents: Horror Express
“This guy is exactly like my dentist, right down to the office monkey.”
RiffTrax: Swamp of the Ravens
“I have a doctorate in historical wang sizes .”
RiffTrax: Terror in the Wax Museum
“I’m just a man with a burning desire to try on the dress shirts of other men.”
RiffTrax Shorts: A Day with Fireman Bill
“I sometimes forget the names of my very first cloned human beings.”
RiffTrax: Replica
“Your Spanish tendency to run ahead of castle tours is almost as bad as Hawaiians and their famous impressionability.”
RiffTrax: Bloody Pit of Horror
“Dying is easy. Interesting Martian dramas are hard.”
RiffTrax Presents: Devil Girl From Mars
“Disposing of the script for ‘Paul Blart III: Trouble in Fart City.'”
RiffTrax Shorts: The Litter Monster
Keep Rolling! 
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